Finding the Positive in Difficult Times

                 This blog is a place where I share thoughts and ideas about mental health. I often share strategies I employ in my own life. I try to be as open as I can. There is no healing without honesty. I am always honest when I write here. If I wasn’t honest my words would not help others and likewise, they would not help me. So, today I want to share that I am struggling with some things. My goal in sharing is to bring hope to myself and others.

                  This morning I had an appointment with my primary care provider, Cristina. I shared with her that I am struggling with several things. Our conversation helped me. I am basically overwhelmed. Not only do I deal with my mental and physical health struggles, but I am also faced with my mother’s illness, which has brought up a lot of emotions for me. I am also preparing to return to work after being off for two years while fighting stage 4 metastatic breast cancer, a disease I wasn’t sure I would survive. Returning to work scares me. Am I ready? Will a principal want to hire me with my restrictions? My last teaching experience was not good. I worry that teaching is no longer the profession for me. I also have this ridiculous fear that my cancer will return as soon as I start a new teaching position. I guess this fear isn’t that ridiculous. My cancer is one that will return. So, I know cancer is not done with me. I just don’t know when it will rear its ugly head and interfere with my life again. 

                  Back to my conversation with Cristina. She said some things that really impacted me. She shared a story about someone else struggling with cancer. It makes me sad to hear about others facing this illness and knowing they struggle with the same emotional aspects that I have faced. Knowing I am not alone is comforting. It is not that I want anyone else to suffer, but it helps to know it’s not just me. 

Cristina listened to my fears. Then she turned them around. She told me I had to find the positives in what was ahead of me. I listened as she put a positive spin on my return to work. She was realistic yet reassured my cancer fears. She told me not to focus on a date. What I took from that is that I need to live in the moment. Cancer will come back, but like my oncologist, Dr. S, says, she will be ready to treat it when it does. Fear can’t help me. I need to remain positive that I will fight again and beat cancer.

Cristina also reframed my return to work. What if I like my new teaching position? I can’t focus on the negative. Sure, I don’t know where I will end up teaching or what I will end up teaching. I taught for 26 years. I can face whatever I am presented with.

My mental health issues are going to follow me into every aspect of my life. That is just a fact, but I am prepared to deal with that. I have my treatment and therapy. I have my mental health team. I have Cristina. I have my aunt. My fears about cancer and returning to work are fueled by my anxiety. In my last post I discussed noticing thoughts. I think that is what I need to do with these fears. I think that is what Cristina was telling me. Notice a thought, acknowledge it, and move on to something positive. 

I didn’t really acknowledge the other area I am struggling with.  I am watching my mother’s health deteriorate. It is hard. It brings up a lot of issues for me. How can it not? I need to allow myself to acknowledge my thoughts about her and what is happening. I have no control in this situation other than the control of my own response to it. I have found that allowing myself to write about it helps me. So, I will continue to do that. I choose to keep that writing in my journal because it is not something I am ready to share. 

This post feels like it is all over the place. I am going to let it be because that is where I am at right now.  I think I need to go back to what Cristina said about focusing on the positives. It is that focus that carries us through difficult times. Sometimes we need other people to remind us that we are on the right track and that we are going to be okay. We each have struggles and it is easy to get caught up in the negative. But what if we chose to focus on the positive outcomes that are possible. Can we manifest those positive outcomes? I don’t know, but I think it is worth trying. The alternative isn’t very pleasant. 

I end this with a thank you to Cristina for words that go beyond caring for my physical health and for taking the time to treat me as a whole person, both mental and physical. We need more health care providers like her.