“All I Know So Far”

            When it comes to music I can usually be found in the world of classic rock.  I would much rather listen to rock music from the 1960s, 70s, and 80s then today’s music.  Social media connected the two for me a few months back when I heard Pink! sing a cover of the Jefferson Airplane’s “White Rabbit” (originally sung by Grace Slick).  Anyone who knows my story or has read my memoir, “Traveling the Healing Journey: Finding the Light in Mental Illness” (available in bookstores and on Amazon) knows how important Grace Slick is in my story.  I won’t get into that here, but I likely wouldn’t be alive today without her music.  Check out my book or maybe I’ll write about it in a later post.  Anyway, I had heard covers of Grace Slick’s music before, but none moved me the way Pink!’s did.  This led me to listening to some other songs by Pink! and the realization that she writes and sings some powerful lyrics.  Thus, the inspiration for tihs post comes from Pink!’s song, “All I Know So Far”.

            As I mentioned in a previous post my cancer diagnosis has shifted my journey.  Living with stage 4 cancer and depression is not easy.  There is a lot I don’t know and a lot I don’t understand.  I am learning, though.  Earlier today I went for a short walk.  I can’t walk for long distances anymore.  I get too tired.  As I walked, I was listening to “All I Know So Far”.  I began to think about what I know so far about cancer and depression.  First, they are difficult mix.  Cancer often results in depression, but when you have pre-existing depression, it is even tougher.  I get down very easily.  A look at my hair loss in the mirror triggers me.  My lack of energy is demoralizing.  It makes me want to just lie in bed.  Knowing that I have an MRI scheduled to check if the cancer has spread to my brain, scares me. That fear brings my mood down.  Knowing how much chemotherapy I have ahead of me and knowing that the side effects will ravage my body are difficult to face.  

            So, what do I know so far?  I know I have battled depression all my life.  I know that while the depression has won many of the battles, I am winning the war because I am still alive.  I haven’t given into the suicidal thoughts.  Now I have another battle to square off against while I continue to face the depression.  Cancer is here to stay.  As I listen to the doctor or sit here thinking about what I am facing, I wonder if I have the strength to fight cancer and depression at the same time.  There is no denying that I am scared.  But I know a strength lies within me.  I don’t know where it comes from.  My guess is my psych team has helped me develop this strength.  Their words empower me and keep me going.  One thing I know is that I am going to fight.  Some days will be more difficult than others.  I know I need to focus on little wins.  The bigger picture is harder to face.  Just like when I have fought the depression on its own, I must take it one day at time.  I can’t rush and think I can make it all go away.  Cancer and depression don’t work that way.  I am in for a battle.  That is one thing I know.  

            I’ll face this new battle the way I have always fought. I’ll rely on my support system when I need to.  I have strategies such as journaling and listening to classic rock, with a little Pink! thrown in.  When I have the strength, I’ll go for walks. Some days I’ll paint.  For most of my life I have battled depression.  Cancer is another battle.  Another thing I know so far is that I can battle.  So, cancer, watch out!  You are going to find out what the depression already knows.  I am not going to give up.

 

A special thank you to Pink! for the inspiration.  As always, a thank you to Grace Slick for helping me still be here to fight.