Hope After Suicidal Thoughts

                 The pain of suicidal ideation is difficult to bear. It shrouds you in darkness. The pain is indescribable. I have been there several times. Each time I believe I won’t be able to escape the pain. Dying seems like the only viable option. I want the pain to end and can’t find any other way. During these times I struggle to let others into my thoughts. I believe no one else can understand. Hopelessness fills me. This is the pain of suicidal thoughts/ideation.

                  I have been lucky. I have found a way back from the edge of death each time. Hope has returned to my life. As I mentioned in an earlier post, the song “Let It Go” by Grace Slick (not the Frozen song) brought me back from the edge of suicide several times as a teenager. I had the opportunity to meet Grace Slick a few years ago. I thanked her for saving my life. She said something I will never forget. With a smile she looked at me and said, “you did that. You were strong.” That was an empowering statement. It made me realized that a part me has wanted to live even in the moments when life seemed to be at its bleakest. I’m still grateful to Grace Slick because her song guided me to find that strength.

                  Suicidal thoughts have followed me throughout my life. I often still turn to “Let It Go” in these times. You can listen to it here: "Let It Go". A song alone is not enough to defeat suicidal thoughts. I need help from mental health professionals. I now have a safety plan that includes reaching out to my mental health team when I am in crisis. They talk to me and help me fight the suicidal thoughts. They ensure that I am safe. They provide the support I need to get through the crisis. I also have a friend I can reach out to when I feel I need support. This is why I have a safety plan. It reminds me of what to do when I am fighting the suicidal thoughts. For more on safety plans read my article How a Safety Plan Can Ease a Mental Health Crisis on the NAMI Glendale website.

                  So, what happens when the crisis is over. How do you continue living after a suicidal crisis? It’s hard to explain how I come back from one of these episodes. It involves hope. Part of returning from the edge of suicide requires hope that I can heal. I think this is something that anyone fighting suicidal thoughts /ideation needs in order to overcome the thoughts. For me hope doesn’t emerge on its own. My mental health team provides me with hope. Often, I have held onto their hope for me as that hope develops in me. Wanting to die is the absence of hope. Therefore, when battling suicidal thoughts/ideation you need hope. Hope is the belief that there is light in our world. Hope is the belief that the suicidal thoughts are lying. Hope is the belief that you can get better. It is important to remember that suicidal thoughts/ideation are symptoms of an illness. With the right treatment we can get better. We need to trust in our care. That requires hope. 

                  Hope does not develop easily. That is why I have relied on the hope my team has for me to give me a push. Once I have held onto their hope it becomes easier to find hope for myself. Having others to help us makes it easier to climb out of the darkness of suicidal thoughts/ideation. When we latch onto their hope for us, we are better able to develop hope on our own. 

What if you don’t have someone to share hope with you? Unfortunately, this is a reality for some people. If you don’t have someone you can turn to, please know that I have hope for you. Know that you can turn to organizations like NAMI. You can call 988 and speak to a trained counselor. If you don’t have a mental health professional, reach out to your primary care provider. They can refer you to a provider who can help. It is important to know that you are not alone. You can find hope even in your darkest moments. 

                  Those of us with suicidal thoughts/ideation are not alone. Too many people suffer with these thoughts. Too many people act on these thoughts. That is why I am spending so much time writing about suicide this month. I know what it is like to be in the darkness. I have been on the edge of taking my life. I don’t want to go back to that edge, and I don’t want others to be on that edge. I encourage you to reach out. There is help and there is hope.