Fertilization and Purple Lights (Esketamine Treatment)

                  Stephanie Debnath, PMHNP, discussed esketamine in Monday’s post.  Today, I will share my perspective as a patient.

I have lived with treatment resistant depression most of my life.  Not long ago I was in a very dark place. It felt as if I was buried underground. I couldn’t work. I could barely function. Suicidal thoughts haunted me. I needed some type of “fertilizer” to grow out of the darkness. 

                  With the help of my mental health team, I made the decision to try esketamine.  I was nervous. I had a false image in my mind. As someone who has always enjoyed listening to music from the late 1960s like Jefferson Airplane and The Doors, I envisioned esketamine causing something similar to the acid trips those musicians described.  I would find out that my vision was incorrect. Yes, I would experience what could be called “trips”, but it was really a healing dissociation.

                  As Stephanie described in her post, esketamine is self-administered through a nasal spray in an office setting under the observation of a psychiatric practitioner.  The first thing I felt was a floating sensation. It was very peaceful. In my first session, I drifted and felt a heaviness being lifted off me. I knew was safe but was not really aware of the room around me or the nurse observing me. 

                  Starting with my second session I began to see purple lights while I was under the effects of the esketamine.  These purple lights had an inviting warmth to them. It was as if I was floating through these lights.  There were different shades of purple, each inviting me to float further into them.  I soon came to associate these purple lights with healing. At times other colors would join the purple. There were greens, blues, and pinks. Each of these colors drew me further into the purple lights. Not everyone sees colors. The colors were my experience. Everyone has their own experience.

                  Before each treatment I would meet with Stephanie.  We discussed an intention for the session. We decided what needed to be “fertilized”.  I would focus on the intention as I was waiting for the esketamine to take effect.  My mind would follow these thoughts as I dissociated and floated into the purple lights.  In this state I could process thoughts as if I was an observer. There were times when revelations struck me. These were always accompanied by the purple lights. My mind was able to work without the depression tearing me down. 

                  As I came out of the esketamine, I would retain the thoughts and revelations. I kept a journal by my side.  When I regained awareness of the room and my presence in it, I would write in my journal. Whatever came to me while under the esketamine became clearer and more concrete in my journal.  

                  I was being “fertilized”. My roots grew stronger and emerged from the darkness of depression’s soil like tender shoots of a plant reaching for the sunlight.  I was growing. It took time. You don’t just spread the fertilizer and have a garden overnight. Still, my mental health improved. The suicidal thoughts diminished. Esketamine was allowing me to process the thoughts depression fills my mind with. It allowed me to go within my mind and make observations. I saw my thoughts as what they were, just thoughts, not reality.

                  I am grateful that I have treatment options. For years I have struggled with treatment resistant depression. I needed something different than the traditional medication approaches. My mental health team provided me with options that led to healing. I will likely need esketamine treatment again at some point, but I understand that is normal. Gardeners periodically fertilize their gardens. I need to do the same for my mind.

                  I’d like to share a poem I wrote after one of my esketamine treatments. 

 

Esketamine Treatment

 

Iridescent purples,

Translucent greens.

The colors fill my mind.

Replace the darkness even if only briefly.

I float through the colorful display.

Watch in awe as shades of green and purple drift through my awareness.

Bright pinks and vibrant blues appear,

Summon me. 

Lights behind the colors remind me that healing is possible.

I ride the waves of color as my mind is illuminated.

The dark thoughts that so often consume my mind are paused.

I feel a sense of peace. 

It is a sense I am unaccustomed to.

I am safe in this space filled with bright colors.

My fears suspended,

My pain soothed.

Only the colors exist.

I float as if on clouds.

Aware only of the colors.

I name them, reach out to them.

I feel the colors comfort me. 

In these moments I have been set free,

A part of a different reality.

Time passes and I am returned to my usual existence,

But pieces of the colors remain with me,

Healing me.

Battling with the darkness for my awareness.

 

 

 

For more information on esketamine or TMS treatment:

 

SoCal TMS: https://socaltms.com/

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