The Importance of Relationships in Mental and Physical Illness

            For most of my life quality relationships have eluded me.  The depression kept my relationship on a surface level.  I don’t think I have ever had a deep relationship.  Most of that is my fault.  I resisted having relationships out of fear that my depression would get in the way.  I didn’t want to bring the darkness of depression into someone else’s life.  It is one of my regrets in life. Unfortunately, it is a part of mental illness. Many of us experience difficulty with relationships.  Many of us hide from those who could support us.  

            Now that I have a physical illness, breast cancer, and I am experiencing the importance of relationships.  It makes me realize all that I have missed because of my depression.  So, I would like to explore the importance of relationships in dealing with any illness. 

            I always thought I was alone.  I battled depression alone except for my mental health team.  Dr. K, Dr. S, and S have been by my side.  Even though it is their job they have always supported me. I know how important that is.  It makes a difference.  Unfortunately, as valuable as it is to have them it is not enough.  They are the only ones who really understand what I was going through.  They are the only ones I can explain things to and not feel like a fool.  They are still with me as cancer has been added to my battle.  I know they are on the journey with me for the long haul and I appreciate that immensely.  

            Cancer has brought others to my journey.  It is overwhelming, in a good way, how many people are supporting me.  Relationships I didn’t realize I had have emerged as stronger than I could have imagined. People are offering to help.  People ask how I am doing, make sure I have everything I need.  Cancer is a different illness than depression.  People are more familiar with seriousness and deadliness of cancer in a way they are not about depression.  I am grateful to have the support and the emerging relationships. Let me share a bit about some of them.  I won’t be able to mention everyone.  This post would go on too long and I’d lose your interest, but I want to highlight a few.

            I think relationships come in different types.  There are familial relationships, friendships, acquaintances, and care providers.  I have experienced a growth in all four.  

            I’ll start with family.  My mother, K, has been supportive while battling her own cancer and other illnesses.  She lives a couple hours away and is not able to visit, but she checks on me every day.  Whenever I mention a problem, something arrives from Amazon the next day to help.  My hair being on everything was driving me nuts.  I told her and the next day lint brushes were at my doorstep.

            My Aunt Holly, who you met in my hair funeral post, has been by my side through all the medical appointments and has taken care of me after treatments.  She has been wonderful.  She is such a caring person and an amazing resource.  I am so grateful to have her fighting with me.

            My cousin, S, has helped me with all the insurance battles and other technical aspects like my advanced directive.  She has been there to love me and let me know that I am loved.  We’ve walked on the beach, which was peaceful.  My cousin, N, checks on me via text several times a week.  I am grateful for his messages. 

            My brother, T, has stepped forward in a way I didn’t expect.  I didn’t know where I stood with him.  I don’t think we’ve ever been close.  He has a family and a life to live, but he has been very supportive and caring.  He was there when I received the diagnosis.  I wasn’t expecting him until later that morning, but when I walked out of my primary’s office, he was waiting in the parking lot.  That meant a lot.  Last week when I told him I was struggling with the hair loss, he took off his baseball hat and gave it to me.  I had to fight back tears.  It was a welcomed gestured.

            My aunt, C, came down from the Sacramento area to stay with me and help me.  I was grateful for her presence.  She did a lot for me. It’s hard to need so much help, but I know I need it right now.  She plans on coming back.  That is comforting to know. 

            Friends have been wonderful.  I have too many to mention all of them here. I appreciate S sharing her own experiences with cancer with me.  She is someone I can just talked to openly about the cancer.  I rely on that.  Sh and C have supported me with visits and help with necessities.  M and J check on me.  M is leading the way with updating colleagues from the school I just left.  Those colleagues have been great.  Many have reached out.  M is organizing a way for them to help me.  I am grateful for this.  I thought I was just another teacher, but my colleagues care about me.  I cherish their care. 

            SR keeps me going with her messages and inspiration.  I miss hanging out with her and listening to music.  

            P is my rock.  Talking to her makes me feel more positive in this battle.  I know it must be difficult for her to see me going through this after losing C to cancer.  Yet, she is supporting me and knows just what to say to make me feel better. 

            People I went to elementary school and high school have reached out.  It’s amazing that people from so long ago are reaching out.  Social media allows those types of relationships to exist.  It lets me know that people care about me even if we haven’t seen each other in decades.

            Relationships with medical providers is also an important aspect of the battle with illness.  They play a crucial role and how a person relates to them is important.  I’ve already mentioned my psych team.  My primary care, C, has been great.  When the signs of a problem first emerged, she didn’t hesitate to act.  She made sure she was the one who gave me the diagnosis.  That was vitally important to me.  I couldn’t have handled hearing it from someone else.  Her support has been important.  She is there for me when I need her.  I think that is what a primary care provider is supposed to do.  They need to understand their patients and be the conduit to other providers.  C has been that and more.  Her nurse, H, has been immensely supportive.  I am grateful to her for being supportive and making sure I have access to everything I need.

            I had to fight to get care at the facility I am at now.  I am so grateful that I fought.  My oncologist, Dr. St, is amazing.  She is understanding and supportive.  She explains everything clearly and doesn’t mind repeating when I don’t comprehend.  Being in her care is going to make a difference because she understands that the relationship is just as important as the treatment she provides.  Her nurse, C, is someone I feel really connected to.  She makes me smile and she understands firsthand what I am going through.  Her little dances remind me that I can beat this cancer.  The whole staff in Dr. St’s office provides relationship-based care.  They make me feel safe and provide top-notch care.

            A couple people have even shared their cancer stories in the comments on this blog.  Those made me realize I am not alone.  Thank you for sharing.  

            I share these relationships to remind readers that there are more relationships in our lives than we realize.  People do care.  It took a serious illness for me to realize it.  I wish I had made this realization without cancer.  Unfortunately, cancer is the hand I’ve been dealt.  With the relationships that have emerged in my life, I am going to be able to fight.  I am not alone.  There is no way I can fight cancer alone.  It is scary and overwhelming.  I need the relationships to help me battle.  Thank you to all who are by my side.  You are appreciated more than you know.

            Check back next week.  I intend to write about some of the issues I see in the health care system and offer my thoughts on what can be done.