Being Present

           I am not feeling well.  My mood has dropped.  Since writing is healing for me, I decided to try writing a post.  Maybe it will lift my mood.  At the very least it will occupy my mind and hush the voice of depression for a bit.

            Sometimes I am asked how to help someone who is struggling with depression.  That question has several answers.  It really depends on the individual.  I will share one way others have helped me.  

            One thing I have found others can do to be helpful when I am struggling to just be present.  I don’t need someone to give me advice or to tell me I am okay.  That actually doesn’t help because depression causes my mind to argue with those sentiments.  What helps me the most is when someone just sits with me and is present.  They don’t really have to say anything in particular.  Just knowing I am not alone is helpful.  

            What does being present mean?  It is simple really.  Maybe we just sit in the same space and watch a television show or listen to music.  It can be doing a craft together.  Being preset might be taking a walk with me.  Words don’t need to be exchanged.  Just knowing someone cares enough to be with me is often enough.  It doesn’t make the depression go away, but it tames it a bit.  

            It can even be a chat on the phone about something totally different than my depression.  The conversation serves as a distraction.  It won’t make the depression go away, but it will temporarily distract my thoughts.  Text messages can also serve this purpose.  

            For me having someone be present doesn’t always require a person.  This may sound strange, but sometimes when I need someone to be present, I turn on “The Big Bang Theory”.  I know it is just a television show.  I have watched it so many times that the characters seem like friends to me.  I can escape into their world.  Yes, they are just fictional characters, but when I am looking for the presence of others, often these characters on the television screen are a substitute for real people.  They don’t require me to respond.  They distract me and help me think about something other than what the depression is saying.

            I don’t mean to say that a television show can replace human contact.  It can’t. I do, however, think fictional characters can serve as a substitute at times.  Some people find this substitute through television shows or movies.  Others find it in a book. What is needed is that sense that you are not alone. 

            Depression is often a very lonely illness.  It is difficult to reach out.  If you know someone who struggles with depression, I encourage you to try just being present with them.  When they are doing better, ask them what they find helpful.  Don’t be afraid to have that conversation.  Many of us with depression are so used to people not acknowledging our depression that we are hesitant to tell others what helps us.  We have learned not to talk about our depression.  Be the loved one or friend who changes that.  Start the conversation.  

            If you are struggling with depression, try taking the risk to tell someone what they can do to help you.  It is scary.  I definitely understand that.  It took me decades to be able to reach out.  If you can, start by role playing it with your therapist or in a support group.  Reaching out is not easy, but asking someone to be present can make a difference.  Set an intention for yourself.  It could be that you are going to reach out to one person and share one aspect of your depression.  Reaching out happens when we take small steps.  It doesn’t have to happen all at once.  Choose who you reach out.  Explain to them what you need.  If just being present is what you need, let someone try to be present for you.  

            I know that I need to improve the way I let others be present for me.  It is a work in progress.  As I have stated in previous posts, my intention for 2024 is to allow myself to heal both physically and mentally.  Letting others be present for me is part of that.  So, I will work on it, and I encourage others to work on it as well.