What Is Healing?

                  The other day I was asked what I mean when I talk about healing. It is a good question and it got me thinking. I have a picture in my head about what I mean, but I don’t think I have ever really shared it. Maybe that is because I don’t see healing as something concrete. For me healing comes in different forms. The ultimate healing is the absence of the darkness created by depression. I’m not completely convinced that it is possible to erase all the darkness. I’ve never experienced a total healing that includes the permanent removal of the darkness of depression, but I have felt the light of healing in varying degrees.

                  Medication has never brought me healing. At best it has put a Band-Aid on my depression. Unfortunately, that Band-Aid always fell off easily.

                  Therapy brings a semblance of healing. Talking about the effects of depression and learning coping strategies helps. Therapy has been a consistent tool throughout my depression.

                  Non-traditional treatments have been beneficial. Both TMS and esketamine have certainly brought aspects of healing into my life. These treatments have allowed me to experience times where the depression was absent for a while. 

                  Still, this doesn’t define healing. I could say healing is being able to function in my day-to-day life, but sometimes I can function when the depression is heavy. So, what is healing?

                  Healing is when there is more light than darkness. The heaviness dissipates, and color comes into the world. Healing comes in shades.  I don’t feel the weight of depression when I am experiencing healing. That weight is feeling that everything is barreling down upon me. When I am trapped in the darkness, I can’t see the positives in life because the depression is smothering me like a blanket. Healing is when that blanket is lifted. 

                  Healing comes in shades as if it is on a continuum. Some days healing is the small victories. It is getting out of bed and showering. Other days it is interacting with the world and being able to work.  Healing can range from having less suicidal thoughts to the complete absence of those thoughts. Just as depression impacts each of us differently, healing arrives differently for each of us.

                  Healing is feeling better. Sometimes it is difficult to explain the feeling. It is being able to live life without being dragged down by the weight of depression. We each need to define healing in relation to our own experience. For me, TMS and esketamine have shown me the light of healing. I have had distinct experiences where I have been able to notice the depression being lifted as a result of these treatments. With time the depression has returned. When that happens, I go back to the treatment and wait for it to ease the depression again. Healing requires effort. Unfortunately, that effort is not easy to summon when we are struggling with depression. For me having a mental health team allows me to make that effort. I need to rely on them to guide me through treatment and to provide a place to discuss what I am feeling. 

                  I cannot tell you what healing will look like for you. Healing varies for me. Outside factors can often impact how you feel. Relationships, work issues, other illnesses can all impact healing. My healing looks different now that I am living with cancer in addition to depression. Sometimes the depression and its buddy, anxiety, affect me differently than before cancer, which results in a different appearance to healing. I have learned to change my expectations. I think healing is affected by our expectations. I understand that I can be doing well and still have suicidal thoughts pop into my head. I can be doing well and still have days when I don’t want to get out of bed. That is part of the continuum I mentioned. Depression may impact us differently from day to day. It is somewhat like a roller coaster. There are ups and downs and even straightaways. 

                  Ultimately, I think healing is feeling the darkness lift. It is feeling better than the norm depression creates. Healing requires acceptance of our illness. We cannot experience the light of healing if we don’t acknowledge the illness. I did not experience times of healing until I allowed my inner voice to say, “I have depression. My darkness is from an illness. It is not something I caused.” 

                  We must remember that healing is a continuum. There will be bad days. There will be better days, and there will be good days. We fight through the bad days. We enjoy the good days. We lean on our mental health providers to guide us, and we make decisions with them. We use the tools and treatments that work for us. Healing will look different on different days. Healing is unique to each one of us, but healing is possible.