There Is Hope

“There is hope, even when your brain tells you there isn’t.” – John Green

 

                  The above quote is powerful. When you live with mental illness, or any illness for that matter, hope can be difficult to hang onto. I have struggled with hope in my battle with depression and anxiety and in my fight against cancer. What is hope? The Merriam Webster Dictionary defines hope as “a desire accompanied by expectation of or belief in fulfillment.” 

                  Hope has been tricky for me. Decades of living with depression make it difficult to believe that there is freedom from depression’s darkness. At the same time, I have had healing experiences that allow me to believe that I can get better. At times I lose sight of the healing periods. My mind gets caught up in the hopelessness depression creates. It tells me that the depression will win. My view is clouded by darkness. When I am feeling hopeless, I know I need to hang onto the hope of my mental health team. Their hope for me  sustains me when I cannot believe in hope myself.  

                  I know I am struggling beyond my ability to cope on my own when my thoughts turn to thoughts of ending my life. Suicidal thoughts are a sign that I have lost hope. Despite a lifetime of those thoughts, I am still here. I think that is because hope can exist even in the darkest of moments. I don’t really understand how it happens. It just does. I have been lucky that I have been able to reach out in my darkest moments. I’ve been told that takes strength and means that there is hope somewhere inside of me. When I have suicidal thoughts, my brain is trying to tell me there is no hope. However, as Green says in the quote above, there is still hope. Our brains get talking and try to mask that hope, but it is there. 

                  For me finding that hope requires reaching out. I realize that reaching out can seem impossible for some people. At times it seems impossible for me. That is why it is important to plan for those times when the thoughts aren’t screaming at us. Whether it is just knowing who to call or having a concrete safety plan, it is important that we have a plan for when hope seems to disappear. It can still be difficult to reach out to those who will help us through the darkness. However, if we have a plan, we are more likely to try to use it.

                  What about those times when we feel hopeless but are not suicidal or thinking about self-harm. Those are still difficult times. Sometimes I get caught believing that I will never know anything other than the darkness of depression. For me that is a sign that it is time to return to one of the alternative treatments that help me. Whether it is TMS or esketamine, I know I need to get treatment. Knowing what treatments or medications work for you is important. Being able to openly discuss what you are feeling and experiencing with a psychiatrist or psychologist is crucial.  He/she/they will be able to listen to what you are sharing and provide the necessary treatment. Trust comes into play here. I believe it is vital to be able to trust your mental health provider not only knows what you need, but that they are willing to ensure you receive that treatment.  

                  Depression attacks hope, but hope is resilient. We possess it even when we are unaware of it. Hope is present when we get out of bed, when we spend time with a friend, or when we go to work. Hope is present when we reach out for help. It is present when we try one of our coping strategies or engage in self-care. Hope is a light shining in the darkness of depression. Sometimes hope is faint, but it is still there waiting for us to hang onto it. Hope whispers back when our brains tell us there is no hope. Sometimes it will be our voice. Other times it will be the voice of a mental health care provider or a loved one. Listen for the whisper of hope and hang onto it.