November is a time when we focus on gratitude. We should be grateful all year long, but with Thanksgiving being this month our attention is drawn to gratitude. As someone who lives with the darkness of depression, I sometimes find it difficult to focus on what I am grateful for in life. Despite this, I try to show my gratitude.
Depression creates an inner struggle, at least it does for me. My mind focuses on the darkness, on what I struggle with, and on what I am missing out on because of my depression. I often feel like things won’t get better or that it is not worth trying to find happiness. At times these thoughts turn suicidal, which is the ultimate darkness. Depression creates a lack of hope. How can I be grateful when my mind focuses on all that I am struggling with?
I have thought a lot about this recently. Despite my depression I have a lot to be grateful for in life. I’ll save that list for another post on Thanksgiving Day. But I do have a lot to be grateful for and it is important that I train my mind to think about those things. This requires me to tell my depression to shut up. Not an easy task. Depression has been chanting in my head for over 35 years. It has taken up residency as if it owns my head. Luckily, I have learned that I have a right to talk back to depression’s voice. When it tells me life isn’t worth living, I tell myself all that I have to live for. This isn’t always easy. I still struggle with it, but I am getting better at talking back.
Focusing on what I am grateful for takes a lot of work because depression has taught my brain to believe in all the negative. Depression wants me to believe that I won’t defeat it, that I won’t beat cancer, that I have no reason to live. All these things are lies that depression feeds off. If I focus my attention on the opposite of these lies, I find that I am grateful. I have a mental health team and a physical health team that lift me up and bring me healing. How can I not be grateful when I recognize how much these individuals have done for me?
I heard about a suicide yesterday. It made me pause and think. Depression has taken me to that edge on several occasions. I have walked, or crawled, back each time. Depression hasn’t won. I am alive. How can I not be grateful? Depression hasn’t defeated me. It is definitely a fight. Depression is a strong a*hole. Maybe I am stronger. Maybe I have learned to use the tools I have learned to fight back. I am grateful I have been able to fight depression for so long. Would I rather not have to fight? Of course. That is obvious, but if I must fight, I am grateful that I continue to win.
I’ll be creating a list of all I am grateful for between now and Thanksgiving Day. At the top of that list is being grateful that I am alive. Depression and another a**, cancer haven’t taken my life away from me. I choose to be grateful for the life I have.
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