Protecting My Mental Health During Thanksgiving

                   Today I am going to attempt to discuss something that I know I need to work on myself.  Thanksgiving can be a difficult holiday when you live with depression. I struggle during the holiday season. My struggles usually start about a week or two before Thanksgiving. It’s gotten easier as I have learned to recognize it for what it is and have worked on giving myself grace at this time of year. 

                  Holidays usually mean family gatherings. My family is no different, although our gathering is much smaller than it used to be as a lot of my family has moved away or has their own family now. For me the family gathering is difficult because I feel out of place. I am middle-aged and still single. My head tells me that makes me less of person. I know that is probably not true, but it is hard to keep my depression from pointing out that I am alone. I don’t get to host a holiday because as the single person I am expected to just go along with everyone else. Fair, but still, I’d like to have input in the holiday celebrations. 

                  Thanksgiving is a time to focus on what we are grateful for in life. I have a lot to be grateful for and I do spend time focusing on those things. Despite being grateful, the holidays point out what my depression has taken from me. I never made an effort to have a relationship because of my depression. I have always feared that no one would want to be in a relationship with someone who struggles as much as I have with depression. It didn’t seem fair to put someone in that position. So, I didn’t date. I didn’t try to have relationships that could have possibly led to marriage and a family. As a result, I find myself over 50 and looking back thinking of what could have been. I see my brother’s family, my cousins and their families. As happy as I am for them, I wish I had what they have. What I see instead of a family of my own, is a future in which I am alone. I guess I can’t blame it on the depression. I made the decision to be alone. There are people with depression who have families. It can be done. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that when I was younger. 

                  This post is supposed to be about protecting my mental health during Thanksgiving and here I am focusing on what I don’t have. That is the opposite of what I had planned to write. That’s okay because the way I protect my mental health stems from living with the negatives. What I need to do to get through Thanksgiving and what I recommend to others who struggle is to reframe things. To do this I need to remind myself that while I don’t have my own family, I do have a niece and nephew who I am lucky enough to watch grow into wonderful young adults. On Thanksgiving I hear about all they are involved in. I hear their excitement. I can spend time with them at the holidays. 

I still have my mother. Many people my age have lost their parents.  While I lost my father 15 years ago, I can still spend Thanksgiving with my mom. I can watch her smile as she enjoys her grandchildren. I have a brother and sister-in-law who I am grateful for. They helped me with several things during my cancer battle. I didn’t lose my home despite being unable to work, because they were there. 

I have extended family who brighten my life and while I won’t spend Thanksgiving Day with them, I am grateful. My aunt has supported me through my 16-month battle with cancer. Where would I be without her? My cousins have helped me in so many ways. One thing I’d like to do this holiday season is go for a walk with my cousin and let her know how grateful I am for her presence in my life. It is the simple things that are meaningful.

These are the things I need to let my mind focus on when the depression gets loud. I need to remind myself that I have family even if I am not a wife or mother. Is my life different than what I may have wanted? Yes. But I am alive. Cancer didn’t take me. I haven’t succumbed to the suicidal thoughts that my depression controls. 

So, this Thanksgiving I am going to put up a barrier. It’s not a barrier to keep people out. It is a barrier to keep the depression quiet. Maybe I can call it a muzzle. When the depression starts telling me what I don’t have, I am going to envision a muzzle around its voice. I am going to tell myself that I don’t need to listen to that damn voice. Instead, I am going to ask my niece and nephew what their dreams are. I am going to tell them to never give up on their dreams. Dreams may change as we move through life, but I want them to know that we can find happiness in life. It is a matter of perspective. I am learning that late in life. I hope I can share this knowledge with them while they are young. This Thanksgiving I am going to protect my mental health by focusing on what I have and sharing what I have learned. This is the grace I am giving myself this Thanksgiving.