Last week I discussed the myth that depression is sadness. Let’s look at another depression myth today. Just as those of us with depression are not just sad, we do not always appear depressed. Many of us can manage to smile in public. We can function at work and in social situations at times. We can laugh and seem happy. However, appearances do not always tell the full story. Depression can be hiding behind a mask.
External appearances are just that. The word appearance is defined as “the way someone or something looks.” We cannot judge a person by their appearance. Depression does not have a “look”. We might smile even though we are depressed. We might function at work or school as if nothing is wrong even though on the inside our thoughts are trapped in darkness. It is important not to assume that a person is okay just because they are smiling or functioning at work, at school, or in social situations.
One skill many of us with depression learn is masking symptoms. A mask can be as apparently simple as a smile. We might smile to hide the pain we are feeling. When others see a smile, they often assume we are happy. Just as depression is not sadness, a person can be happy about something and still be experiencing depression. An example might be how I am happy when my niece gets a hit in one of her college softball games. That happy feeling does not erase the depression I am trying to cope with. The feeling of happiness is situational. The depression is still there. It is always there. I can mask it, but the depression is hiding behind that mask.
Masking may appear as staying constantly busy and focused on exceling at work or school. When this form of masking is occurring, the person looks successful and productive on the outside, but inside they may feel empty, exhausted, or hopeless. This type of masking is one I have learned to employ. It is how I have managed to maintain a career despite my depression. I hide how I am feeling so others do not know. It is a way of avoiding judgement. Masking in order to work is often necessary to survive. We need the job to get health insurance and to pay for our living expenses. So, on the outside we look “normal” (although I question if there is really a normal way to look). Inside depression might be tearing us apart.
Another aspect of this myth is that people with depression do not laugh. Sometimes a person with depression might use humor as a shield. Using humor might be a way to avoid vulnerability. Humor might be what keeps a person going. When I think about this myth, Robin Williams comes to mind. Obviously, I did not know him. So, I am basing this on what I have read about him. He spent his life making people laugh and doing everything he could to make people happy. Inside he fought depression. When he died by suicide, fans were in shock. People said things like, “He was always so funny, how could he take his life?” On the outside he was laughing. Inside he struggled. Sometimes humor and laughter are masking what we are experiencing on the inside. It is a myth that if a person is laughing and smiling, they are not depressed. They may be masking their depression symptoms.
There is a saying about being kind to everyone because we never know what they are going through. I think this saying captures the idea behind the myth that if a person is smiling and appears to be functioning, they cannot be depressed. How many of us have hidden how we are feeling from others because we did not want them to worry? How many of us have pretended to be okay because we did not believe others would understand what we were going through? This is masking. Everyone does it from time to time. What if you had to spend your life masking how you feel and what you are going through? That is what many of us with depression do. Often, we learn early on that others won’t understand. We learn that depression can be a taboo topic. So, we develop masks.
Masking our depression is skill many of us are forced to develop to cope with our depression. It is what allows us to function. Unfortunately, those masks lead to the myth that if we are smiling and appear to be functioning, we must not be depressed. The very thing we are employing to allow us to function is creating the misconception that there is nothing wrong.
I think masks serve an important purpose. By allowing us to appear okay, our masks allow us to be a part of the world that our depression tries to rip away from us. Over the years, I have learned when I need my mask and when I don’t. Sadly, I probably need it more than I do not. When I take off my mask, I can share with others what it means to live with depression. It is important to help others understand depression because doing so breaks down the stigma surrounding mental health. Maybe I need to explain my mask more often and to more people. I am not quite there yet. Yesterday my mask instinctively went up at work even though I know it is a safe place. I have accepted that it is going to happen at times. Maybe when my mask goes up like that it is protecting me. I know it perpetuates this myth, but in the world we live in sometimes we need our masks. Perhaps someday masks will not be necessary, and we can break down the myth that a smile or functioning appearance means we are not depressed.
I think everyone has a mask for dealing with life situations , people you come into contact with are all different, not until you know them better do you drop your mask.
ReplyDeleteWell-said.
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