When ‘I’m Okay’ Isn’t Really Okay: How to Support a Friend With Depression

                 Today I heard a song that I have probably heard before, but it made me start thinking. We had a movie on for our students during lunch. They wanted to watch Toy Story, which I also found interesting because I do not teach little kids. I teach 16–20-year-olds at a continuation high school. I think their movie choice shows that kids need a chance to be kids no matter how old they are. 

                  Back to the purpose of this post. I am not sure what the title of the song is. The lyric I heard was “you’ve got a friend in me.” Don’t we all need a friend? Maybe that is why my students chose this movie. No matter where we are in life we all just need a friend. 

                  What if we are that friend and our friend needs our support with their mental health? This is an important question. The mental health stigma that exists in our society can prevent us from checking in our friends and loved ones. We might feel unprepared to help when there is a need. We might not know how to ask if they need help. 

                  Today I would like to look at a question we can ask and how we can go deeper. When we notice a friend is struggling or that they seem different, we can and should ask, “Are you okay?” The person may tell us how they are doing. They may shrug us off. It is up to us as friends to ask the next question. When a person says they are okay, we can usually tell if they are just saying that. There was a reason we asked if they were okay in the first place. So, our next question should be, “are you really okay?” At this point it is important that we are willing to listen to the answer. We want to encourage our friend to be honest about how they are doing. 

                  Let me get personal for a second. If someone asks me if I am okay when I am struggling, I am very likely to say that I am okay. “I’m okay,” is a phrase that I have used more times than I can count. It is the easy way out. If I do not want to talk about how I am feeling or feel like no one can do anything, I am just going to say that I am okay. If someone pushes a little, I might be willing to open up. I think a lot of us living with mental illness are more willing to open up if someone cares enough to really question us about how we are doing and is willing to stay for the answer. 

                  So, how do we stay for the answer when we ask a person if they are really okay? The most important thing is that we listen. We do not need to have all the answers. We need to allow the person to feel heard. We do not need to speak at first. Let the person share what they are feeling and what they are going through. Once they have shared, reflect back to them what you have heard in a gentle tone. You might say, “I hear you saying that…” This shows that you have heard what they have said. You do not need to repeat everything they said. You just need to let them know you heard them. 

                  The next step is to offer support. Ask them what they need from you. They might need you to listen or they might need you to connect them with professional support. It is important that you ask them what they need. Often, those of us living with mental illness know what support we need. There are times when we cannot find the words to express what we need. If the person cannot tell you who or what they need to be connected with you will need to determine if the person is in immediate danger of harming themselves or others. If this is the case, you should call 911 for help. Do not leave the person alone. If the person is not in danger, the 988 Lifeline is the best way to get assistance. The line is answered by trained individuals who can connect you to the appropriate services. 

                  The important thing is to be a friend. Let your friend know, “you’ve got a friend in me.” Be the person sitting next to them holding the umbrella during the storm. If a friend says they are okay and you suspect they are not, ask, “are you really okay?” There will be times when a person will still insist that they are okay. In that case, you can say something like, “Well, I am here if you need to talk.” Sometimes that is enough to let the person know you care. As I said in the beginning of this post, we all need a friend. 

 

Asking for Help with Depression When You Don’t Have the Words

Often, when we are struggling with depression it is hard to ask for help. It can be difficult to find the words to let someone else know we are struggling. Many times, I have struggled to find the words to ask for help. When the depression leaves me in the dark, words often fail me. I find myself unable to explain to someone else the pain I am experiencing. There are times when I cannot even write what I am experiencing in my journal. 

So, what do we do when we do not have the words to ask for help? The pain of depression can mute us. Wanting to ask for help even when we do not have the words is a sign of strength. The first thing to remember is that we do not need the “right” words to reach out for help. Just saying we cannot explain what we are feeling is an important step. We might tell a trusted person or a healthcare provider, “I’m not okay, and I don’t have the words for it.” We might say, “Something’s wrong, and I don’t know how to talk about it.” Another way to let someone know we are struggling is to say, “I’m struggling more than I’m letting on.”  These words are enough to open the door to receiving help.

We do not need to say a lot to communicate that we are struggling with depression. Just letting someone know that we are not okay can be enough. A few simple statements we can make might include:

 

“On a scale of 1-10, I’m a 3 right now.”

“Today is a bad mental health day.”

“I’m functioning, but barely.”

 

                  Even these statements can be difficult to say. That is okay. It takes strength just to try. When communicating our struggle, it is okay to keep it simple. We do not need to tell the whole story. It can help if we have a few of the above sentences ready. Maybe we write a few of these sentences on a page we create in our journal or a note that we keep somewhere we have easy access to. Then when we need help, we can refer to that page or note. We can even read the sentence if we are struggling to get it out. 

                  Another idea is to borrow words from someone else. Maybe we read something that someone else wrote. It might be an article or words from a song.  We might say, “I read/heard something that describes how I feel.” This is a way to explain how we are feeling without having to find our own words. We could also say, “This article/post/video/song sounds like me.” By doing this we are letting someone else know what our struggle feels like. This can open the door to support. 

                  Some of us can get the words out in writing even when we cannot speak the words. We might send a text saying we are having a hard time but do not know how to talk about it. We might write in our journal and then share that page with someone. I have done this at times. Sometimes I share something I have written with my mental health team. This lets them know I need support. Even a simple email to a therapist or doctor saying that we are not okay can lead to the support we need.

                  We do not always need to explain why we need support. I have a friend who knows I struggle with depression. Sometimes it is enough to just tell her I need her to sit or hang with me for a bit. This is enough for her to know I am struggling, and I just need someone with me. I do not need to explain what I am experiencing. Silence might be part of the support at times. We might not have the words, but we just do not want to be alone with our depression. 

                  It is common for those of us living with depression to struggle to find the words to explain what we are experiencing. Depression steals words from us. It robs us of our ability to tell others how we are feeling or what we need. If you are feeling this way, know that you are not alone. Just because the words elude us does not mean our pain is unreal or invalid. Depression is real. Depression is painful. It is important to remember that depression does not always carry with it the words to make sense of it. Even though I write every day, and writing is an important aspect of my healing, there are times when I cannot find the words to explain to someone that I am suffering. In these moments I tend to become quiet and isolate myself. I have learned that even if I can say, “I am not okay,” to someone on my mental health team, it is enough for them to understand that I need support. They can often guide me to find the words to share what I am going through. That explanation does not need to be detailed. We can rely on our mental health providers to support us in these moments.

                  Not everyone has a mental health provider. If this is the case it is important to have a trusted family member or friend to turn to. In our better moments we can share with this person that depression is a part of our lives and that there may be times when we need support and cannot ask for it. Having a plan for these times is good idea. I wrote an article about having a safety plan (Creating a Safety Plan for Times of Suicidal Crisis). This article addresses when the depression is leading to suicidal thoughts, but a plan can also be created for when we are struggling and need support. I think that might be an upcoming post. 

                  One thing that has helped me is being part of a support group. Most of my experience with support groups has come from a cancer support group, but this group assisted me in dealing with the mental health aspects of my cancer battle. When I first went to the group, I did not have the words to say much. I did a lot of listening. Through listening, I learned from how other people were sharing their struggles and needs. Slowly, I became more comfortable talking. Being in a support group helped me find the words to talk to others. If you are interested in joining a mental health support group, I would recommend NAMI Connections support groups. The link can lead to groups throughout the country.

                  There is a simple sentence that is extremely powerful. “I am not okay.” When we struggle to find the words to let a loved one or mental health provider know that our depression is bad and we need help, we can use this sentence. The loved one can guide us to professional support. Our mental health provider can lead us into a conversation that provides a picture of what we are experiencing. They can then provide the proper support.

                  I understand how difficult it can be to talk about our struggle with depression. We fear others may not understand. The words do not come easily. It is okay if all we can do is utter those four simple words, “I am not okay.”  Long explanations are not needed. The important thing is to reach out in whatever we can. “I am not okay,” is a simple but powerful statement. It is a statement that we can use when other words fail us.