How Teenage Depression Can Affect Social Skills and Relationships in Adulthood

              Depression has been a part of my life since I was in my early teens. It started at a time when I was still developing both physically, emotionally, and socially. My sense of self was still developing. Being in this stage of development when depression took hold impacted that development. I cannot say for sure, but I think depression affected how I learned to interact with the world and how I learned to communicate in social situations. These areas have been a struggle for me ever since my teenage years. I find myself wondering if depression impacted the person I am.

                  I am not alone. Depression enters the lives of many teenagers. As the teenager is impacted by the depression, social, communication, and interpersonal development is affected, usually in a negative way. During the teenage years, individuals are learning to navigate friendships, conflict, identity, boundaries, intimacy, and independence. Depression can interfere with this learning. As the teen grows into adulthood the missing or interrupted social, communication, and interpersonal skills can follow them. When this happens navigating these skills in the adult world becomes difficult.

                  I definitely believe this happened to me. I would like to paint a picture of how it has affected my life. I frequently struggle with all three skills. Interpersonal skills are not a strong suit for me. I am usually quiet. I have difficulty interjecting myself in conversations. Just the other day I silently sat at birthday lunch for my nephew. Everyone at the table was family. Still, all I could do was listen to the conversation. There were moments when I thought I had something to add to the conversation, but I did not know how to speak. So, I remained a silent listener. Maybe, more than not knowing how to join the conversation, it was that depression has taught me that I do not have anything worth saying. Depression has always torn me down with its negative interjections. As a result, I sat silently through the whole lunch. 

                  This was an uncomfortable experience for me. I know it is my depression at work. I am uncomfortable in social situations. Depression tells me what I have to say is meaningless. It tells me that no one wants to hear what I have to say. Depression is negative voice running on a loop in my head. The problem began when depression silenced me as a teenager. I was unable to get myself to be communicative in a natural way. I learned that my voice was not worthy, even though this wasn’t true. As a result, I still struggle with speaking in a group as an adult.

                  This may be surprising to those of you who know I am a teacher. How can I teach when I cannot enter a conversation with a group of family members? The answer is simply that two different skillsets are at work. Being a teacher and having to talk to classes of students is not easy, but it is a skill I have worked to develop. Even though I can teach, there are still days when the depression pushes against this ability, and I beat myself up trying to talk back to the depression.

                  If I had been able to be more social in my teenage years maybe today, I would be better at interpersonal skills. If I had learned to navigate group situations with more ease, perhaps I would be able to join social conversations instead of just watching. Depression stole those learning opportunities from me when I was a teenager.

                  I think my experiences and the result of those experiences are why I can relate to my high school students, especially the ones who are struggling. There is an inherent sense of empathy in the way I conduct myself as a high school special education teacher. I can see the teenager I once was in some of my students. I can see where they struggle. I know potential outcome of those struggles. So, in these situations I can put my own struggles aside and work to build teacher-student relationships with my students that will help them navigate their struggles and grow from them. I want them to have opportunities that I have missed out on. They deserve to experience all that life has to offer without being hampered by depression or other struggles.

                  Bringing this back out to a focus on the lasting impact depression can have on developing teenagers. There are several areas that impact can be found. Social, communication, and interpersonal skills can be impacted. 

                  Depression can lead to a teenager spending less time with friends and family. They participate in fewer activities and avoid social situations. As a result, the teenager does not have opportunities to make friends or maintain friendships. Missing out on these skills at an important developmental time is naturally going to carry over into later life. A person with depression that started in their teen years or earlier may have difficulty with these skills because their development of the skills was interrupted.

                  Depression makes it harder to read social situations. When there are situations that are not straightforward or contain some ambiguity, depression can lead a teen, and later an adult, to misinterpret that situation. Depression pushes the person into seeing the negative even if it is possible the situation was positive.

The biggest thing with social, communication, and interpersonal skills is the loss of practice time. Depression interferers with these skills when teenagers are developing the skills. It continues to interfere as teens grow into adulthood. That gives the impression that the person does not have the skills necessary to interact with others. Unfortunately, that can lead the person to believe they do not have the skills, which then becomes their reality.

Back to my example of not being a part of the conversation at my nephew’s birthday lunch. I have the ability to join conversations. I do it every day as a teacher. However, in certain social and work situations, depression interferes. It reminds me that I struggle with joining conversations. That reminder causes me to believe the negativity depression is spewing in my head. Then I am unable to join the conversation. I lack the confidence to join in because for years depression has been telling me I cannot be a part of those situations. So, I have not been a part of conversations. It becomes my pattern. My family members are used to me not joining in. So, they do not try to include me. I feel bad about sitting there silently. My depression speaks up and grips me. I beat myself up for not being a part of the conversation. Depression wins. I did not join the conversation because of what depression taught me. As if that were not bad enough, the depression I am experiencing increases because I am beating myself up for not joining the conversation. 

That is the struggle. Depression sets us up for failure and that failure leads to more depression. This is why we need to break the cycle. We need to make sure we help teenagers who are struggling with their mental health. It is vitally important. If you interact with teenagers in any meaningful way, I encourage you to talk to them and more importantly to listen to them. If there are signs of depression or other struggle provide support for them. Get them professional help. There is no weakness in seeking support. You do not need to have all the answers for your team but connect them to someone who can help them. As someone who did not receive that help as a teen, I urge you to be the one who provides support or connection to support. If you are teenager reading this, know that you are heard. Reach out to a school counselor or a loved one. As always, the 988 Lifeline is always available to provide and connect you to support. 

It’s Not Just a Phase: Debunking Common Depression Myths (Part 3, Teen Mental Health)

                  March 2 was Teen Mental Health Day. Now seems like a perfect time to debunk myths surrounding teen depression. Teens face depression and they deserve support and care. Often, they do not get the care and support they need. Some causes for this include shame and stigma, not recognizing the signs of depression, fear of parents’ reaction, limited access to care, confidentiality concerns, the depression itself, cultural and identity factors, and past negative experiences. These are important issues that need to be addressed. Embedded in some of these issues are the myths that surround teenage depression. Today I would like to look at some of those myths.

                  One myth is that teen depression is just hormones, and they will grow out of it. All teens go through some mood changes, but those can be minor. When mood changes are persistent, it is not just hormones or a phase. Indicators of depression or other mental illness in teens include persistent sadness, anxiety, withdrawal, or behavior changes. Mental health research confirms that mental health challenges are common in teens. Teens can be depressed. Teens can be anxious. These are health issues, not just hormones.

                  Another myth is that “teens just want attention”. When teens are exhibiting distress or self-harm thoughts, it is indication that they need support. They should not be dismissed as seeking attention. Sometimes the behavior can seem dramatic. Even in these instances it should not be dismissed. The underlying emotions are real and need attention from mental health professionals.

                  Here is a myth that I find aggravating. “Good kids don’t get mental health problems.”  This is an asinine belief. Having mental illness is not about whether we are a good person or bad person. Depression and other mental illnesses affect kids across backgrounds and interests. It can affect athletes, high achievers, quiet kids, theater kids, musicians, popular teens, the teen that sits by themself, the class clown, or the teen that is always getting in trouble. Depression can affect any teen. Mental illness does not differentiate. It can affect teens of all races. Stress, trauma, genetics, and brain chemistry can affect anyone. Teens included. Having depression or other mental illness does not make you a bad kid.

                  I would like to raise an issue I have with the school system and mental health here. I am a special education teacher. I am used to seeing children and teens labeled. It is part of the paperwork and the placements. There is one label or type of disability that has always bothered me. Children and teens with mental illnesses or behavior disorders are often labeled emotionally disturbed. I hate that term. Disturbed has such a negative connotation. These kids are not disturbed. They have an illness that affects their emotions and behavior. Calling them disturbed is an insult. It perpetuates stigma and the myth that good kids do not get mental illness. I am an adult with mental illness. I am not referred to as emotionally disturbed by my health care providers, mental or physical. I do not believe we should be using this label on children and teens. 

                  Another myth surrounding teen mental health is that talking about suicide puts ideas in their heads. There is research that shows that asking directly about suicidal thoughts does not increase risk. It actually opens the doors to conversations that can allow the teen to receive the help they need. Talking openly about suicide reduces isolation and encourages teens to seek and accept help. 

                  I would like to share a personal experience related to this. I was a teen decades ago, but I still remember being chastised for having suicidal thoughts. I distinctly remember a counselor threatening me because I had expressed thoughts about wanting to take my life. There was no support. Rather, I was made to feel like I was a bad person. Not being able to talk about my suicidal thoughts caused me to shut down. The thoughts did not go away. Hurting myself did not stop. A lot of has changed since then. A counselor would not treat a teen like that today. We know that talking openly with teens allows them to receive the support and help they need. We know that openness leads to dialogue, which leads to treatment.

                  Another myth is that therapy is only for serious cases. Therapy can help teens at all levels of need. It can help with everyday stress, identity questions, relationship issues, peer pressure, school pressure, and athletic pressures. It is not just for crises. Talking to a counselor or therapist can help teens navigate tough issues as well as everyday issues. There is nothing wrong with going to therapy. We can all benefit from it at times.

                  There is a myth that medication will change a teen’s personality. If medications are taken appropriately and under the care of a psychiatrist or other doctor, they reduce the symptoms of depression or anxiety. They do not erase a person’s personality. Often, a teen will feel more like themselves once a medication has started managing their symptoms. 

                  We talked about this next myth in Smiles and Appearances, The Masks We Wear: Debunking Common Depression Myths (Part 2). It is a myth that if a teen is laughing or getting good grades, they’re fine. Just as adults can mask the symptoms of depression and other mental illness, a teen can mask what they are struggling with. High-functioning depression and anxiety are just as real in teens as they are in adults. Just because a teen appears to be doing well on the outside does not mean they are not living with depression. We need to check in on the teen who smiles as much as we need to check in on the kid who is isolating themself. 

                  I am sure there are more myths out there. It seems that myths about mental health pop up all the time. Many people do not want to believe that depression is real. People want to believe that all kids are happy. Sadly, the ignorance perpetrated by the myths we have discussed harms teens every day. There are so many teens out there who are struggling and who need support. It is important that we break down the myths surrounding depression and other mental illnesses. We should be reaching out to teens. We should be listening to them. 

                  If there are teens in your life, I encourage you to listen to them. Listening means more than just hearing their words. It means paying attention to their actions. It means monitoring their moods. It means being aware of changes. Our teens need us. There are too many statistics that show teens are suffering and even dying from depression and mental illness. If we work to break down these myths and pay attention to our young people, we can make a positive impact in their lives. 

                  If you suspect a teen may be struggling with their mental health or feel unprepared to talk to your teen about mental health, reach out for support. You can talk to your teen’s pediatrician or a school counselor. You can contact organizations such as NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness). You can call the 988 Lifeline. Whatever you do, don’t stand by silently. Any teen can suffer from depression and other mental illnesses and every teen deserves support.

 

 Check back next Thursday, 3/12, for another part in this series on Debunking Depression Myths.