Hair Loss

            As I mentioned in my last post, I have cancer.  It has been a difficult time.  I have had trouble writing.  Usually writing is healing for me.  I have found it hard to sit down and write.  Cancer and the treatment are taking a lot out of me.  However, I am determined to write because I know it provides me with an avenue to release what I am thinking.  

            In the past couple of days, I’ve written two poems.  I am going to share one with you today.  First, let me provide a little background.  I knew I was going to lose my hair.  To maintain some sense of control, I had my hair cut short.  I thought I’d get ahead of the hair loss.  I thought it would take some time before I my hair started falling out on its own.  Unfortunately, I was wrong. Hair is already coming out.  It has hit me hard.  Somehow, the hair loss makes the cancer more real.  I don’t know how to explain it.  So, I wrote about it.  

            Here is the poem:

 

Hair Loss

 

I have always hated my hair.

Tangled and frizzed,

Matted into hidden knots.

Curls others envied,

I looked upon as difficult to manage.

Now my brown locks are gone. 

My hair is falling out.

No more curls.

A glance in the mirror,

I appear different. 

My face no longer hidden by long curls.

I have lost a part of my identity.

I knew it would happen.

A side effect of the medication I need to live.

I understand,

The loss means the medication is at work,

But it reminds me how real this disease truly is. 

Hair loss should not bring such tears.

Still the tears flow.

My mind questions what is happening within my body.

On the outside hair falls out.

Inside medication and cells are at war.

A battle that will determine if I live or die.

My tears flow as my hair falls out.

Reminding me that a killer disease dwells within me.  

The hair is symbolic, but my tears are real.

Cancer has grabbed hold of me and

My hair loss will not allow me to forget. 

A Shift in My Journey

           It has been over a week since I posted.  It’s not that I haven’t wanted to post.  I just haven’t been able to write. I need to be up front about what it is going on.  I hope all of you reading this will understand.  I am very open about my mental health.  It is only fair that I be open about my physical health as well.  Recently, I was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer.  This diagnosis has hit me hard.  I thought I had been on top of breast screenings.  In March my mammogram was normal.  How do I even have breast cancer now?  Yesterday the doctor explained that my cancer is fast-growing.  It is in my liver, too.  I just had scans done to see if it is anywhere else.  I’m waiting for the results.  The waiting has been difficult.  I fear the cancer is spreading as I wait for treatment to start. 

            Monday, August 14^th, will be my first chemotherapy treatment.  I’m scared.  I’m worried I don’t have the strength to fight this battle.  My depression was just getting better.  I had a new job to look forward to.  This blog was doing well. I was getting more involved with NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness).  Then in an instant my primary care provider said one word that brought that all crashing down. CANCER.  I’m grateful she is the one who told me.   She was gentle and understanding.  Hearing it from her rather than some other doctor made it easier.  But that word is seared into my mind.  I have cancer.

            One of the things I’ve been struggling with is the fact that I’ve battled depression my whole life.  Isn’t that enough?  Why cancer on top of depression? I question whether I have the strength to fight both simultaneously.  My psych team has been great. All three of them are supporting me and I know they will help me deal with the depression.  

            There are so many unknowns.  I have so many questions.  My journey has taken a new twist.  It is a serious twist into the unknown.  One that I will have to learn to navigate whether I like it or not.  It won’t be easy.  There will be rough days ahead.  I’m in pain and often don’t feel well.  That is to be expected.  

            I want to keep this blog going.  Writing has always been healing for me.  Maybe chronicling my journey and writing about different aspects of depression will be healing for me.  I have plans to ask some people for guest posts to help me keep the blog updated.  Unfortunately, I can’t promise I’ll write to two posts a week.  Please keep reading.  I promise to do my best to get posts written.  If you have ideas for future posts, write them in the comments. 

            Obviously, I don’t know what the future holds.  I remain committed to mental health awareness, especially as it relates to depression.  I won’t give up and I ask that you don’t give up on me.