A Shift in My Journey

           It has been over a week since I posted.  It’s not that I haven’t wanted to post.  I just haven’t been able to write. I need to be up front about what it is going on.  I hope all of you reading this will understand.  I am very open about my mental health.  It is only fair that I be open about my physical health as well.  Recently, I was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer.  This diagnosis has hit me hard.  I thought I had been on top of breast screenings.  In March my mammogram was normal.  How do I even have breast cancer now?  Yesterday the doctor explained that my cancer is fast-growing.  It is in my liver, too.  I just had scans done to see if it is anywhere else.  I’m waiting for the results.  The waiting has been difficult.  I fear the cancer is spreading as I wait for treatment to start. 

            Monday, August 14^th, will be my first chemotherapy treatment.  I’m scared.  I’m worried I don’t have the strength to fight this battle.  My depression was just getting better.  I had a new job to look forward to.  This blog was doing well. I was getting more involved with NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness).  Then in an instant my primary care provider said one word that brought that all crashing down. CANCER.  I’m grateful she is the one who told me.   She was gentle and understanding.  Hearing it from her rather than some other doctor made it easier.  But that word is seared into my mind.  I have cancer.

            One of the things I’ve been struggling with is the fact that I’ve battled depression my whole life.  Isn’t that enough?  Why cancer on top of depression? I question whether I have the strength to fight both simultaneously.  My psych team has been great. All three of them are supporting me and I know they will help me deal with the depression.  

            There are so many unknowns.  I have so many questions.  My journey has taken a new twist.  It is a serious twist into the unknown.  One that I will have to learn to navigate whether I like it or not.  It won’t be easy.  There will be rough days ahead.  I’m in pain and often don’t feel well.  That is to be expected.  

            I want to keep this blog going.  Writing has always been healing for me.  Maybe chronicling my journey and writing about different aspects of depression will be healing for me.  I have plans to ask some people for guest posts to help me keep the blog updated.  Unfortunately, I can’t promise I’ll write to two posts a week.  Please keep reading.  I promise to do my best to get posts written.  If you have ideas for future posts, write them in the comments. 

            Obviously, I don’t know what the future holds.  I remain committed to mental health awareness, especially as it relates to depression.  I won’t give up and I ask that you don’t give up on me.