Side Effects and Needing Help

            My plan was to just post a poem today, but there is something on my mind.  So, I think I’ll save the poem for next week.  The last few days have been difficult.  I knew the side effects of the chemotherapy were going to be an issue. The first few treatments were not too bad.  Significant fatigue and constipation were the main side effects.  As I’ve had more treatments, the side effects have increased.  My understanding is that is expected.  The fatigue is rough.  It’s more than just being tired.  I feel completely drained.  I am more tired than I have ever been.  I want to sleep, but at times I am too tired, and my mind is too busy to allow me to sleep. The constipation is ongoing and an annoying problem.  The last two treatments have resulted in nausea.  It’s not too bad, I guess.  It could be worse.  I’m coping with it.  The anti-nausea meds help.  My appetite is decreasing.  I think I’ve lost a couple more pounds this week.  Yesterday, I had some bleeding from my nose.  It was minor, but it rattled me.  I also have pain over my liver from the tumors.  All these side effects add up.

            I’m trying to maintain a positive attitude about it.  Side effects mean the chemo is doing something.  Hopefully, that something is killing cancer.  Side effects are part of the fight.  It is hard to deal with the side effects, but I believe I can.  One thing that makes it more difficult to deal with the side effects is the fact that I am finding I can’t do it alone.  I thought I could handle taking care of myself for a few days on my own.  It turns out I need more help than I realized.  I have always taken care of myself.  It is not easy to admit that I need help.  I’m used to doing things for myself, but now there is so much I need support with.  This triggers my depression, which in turn gets my mind busy.  I’m lucky that I have help.  I have family and friends who are willing to support me in this battle.  Even though it is difficult, I need to get used to accepting that support.  The support is there for me, and I need to accept it so that I can win this battle.

I have a coaching background.  Sport can be a metaphor for a lot of things in life.  The other day I shared a quote from Coach Jimmy Valvano’s speech.  Today I think I will expand on how sport relates to my battle with cancer. The two greatest mentors in my life are Pam and Carol, my college basketball coaches.  I learned a lot from them.  One of the things I learned was a work ethic.  I learned that in order for the body to perform at its peak level a player has to put in the effort.  I think the same can apply to the fight against cancer.  In sport you have to practice.  Pam and Carol taught me how to plan practices to gain peak performance from athletes.  In that same way I need to plan my fight against cancer and the side effects of my treatment.  Planning that practice means knowing what medications to take to ease the side effects.  It means knowing what my body needs to perform at its best in this fight.  I need rest. I need to eat even when the thought of food makes me feel sick.  It means finding ways to get my body the movement opportunities it needs, even if that is just a 10-minute walk. 

Pam and Carol also taught me the importance of teamwork.  No individual achieves their best alone.  We need a team. Thus, teamwork leads to winning in sport and in the battle against cancer.  It is this area that I need to work on.  I need to accept that I need a team alongside of me to fight the cancer.  It is just like a basketball player needs teammates.  I can’t do it all on my own.  Some of my greatest memories from my coaching career are the moments when teammates united for a common goal.  One of the best teams I ever had only won one game, but they were a true team and supported each other.

Last night as I was lying in bed feeling like crap, I knew I couldn’t go it alone anymore.  I needed to return to my aunt’s house, where she could help me deal with the side effects.  I needed my teammate.  I need to text with family and friends.  They are my team and help me cope with all I am going through.  I need my psych team and my primary care to help me through this.  I have a rather large team.  I just need to remind myself that I it is okay to rely on my team. I can’t do this alone.

Pam and Carol taught me so much more than sport.  Three decades after I was in the gym with them, I am applying what they taught me to the biggest fight of my life.  Carol is gone now.  Cancer took her away to soon.  Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her.  Since my diagnosis, I “hear” her whisper to me.  She is telling me to fight like hell.  Just like she encouraged me when I was young, she is with me now.  Pam is still there, too.  I smile every time my phone rings and it is a call or text from Pam.  She encourages me and gives me courage to fight.  Sometimes we just talk basketball.  It’s WNBA playoff time so we have lots to discuss.  Other times she encourages me the way she has for the past 30 plus years.  I am blessed to have these two women as mentors.  They are a part of my team.  Cancer picked the wrong team to mess with.  Side effects, watch out.  Cancer, watch out.  My team and I are fighting together.