Battling Two Illnesses: Depression and Cancer

            Battling one illness is tough.  It requires a lot of strength.  What happens when another illness enters the picture? That is what I am facing.  I have battled depression most of my life.  It has not been easy. Stigma makes it even harder because so many people do not believe it is a real illness. Trust me it is a real illness.  It is made even more difficult with the addition of a second illness.  

            Most of 2022 and all of 2023 have been difficult from the perspective of depression.  I have had a huge battle and a lot of treatment.  The depression took everything out of me.  As I was getting better, I was hit with the diagnosis of a serious physical illness.  I have stage 4 metastatic breast cancer.  It shocked me and triggered the depression to strengthen again.  So, now I am fighting both a mental illness and a physical illness.  I am lucky that my mental health team and my oncology team are amazing.  

            So, what does my fight look like.  First, the battle creates noise in my head.  I have become used to the voice of depression.  It brings me down, sees the world through a negative lens.  The voice of depression tells me I want to die.  Cancer’s voice jumps in and tells me I am afraid of dying.  The contradictory thoughts fight.  The cancer questions everything.  “Why do I have cancer?”, “Why does chemo make me so sick?”, “Am I going to die?”, and “Why wasn’t the cancer caught earlier?”  The depression answers back with its negativity.  It is very loud inside my head.  

            Both depression and cancer cause me to cry.  I have fought depression for so long.  At times I fear I do not have the strength to fight cancer, too.  That drags my mood down.  I struggle to fight.

            I have learned that the depression is wrong thanks to my mental health team.  I want to live.  It is weird to have so recently been suicidal and now be fighting to live.  To live I need to fight depression and cancer with all the strength I can muster. 

            When the chemotherapy leaves me too weak to do anything except lie in bed, I think too much.  The depression and the cancer argue.  My head is their battleground.  At times I become numb.  Sometimes I need someone to talk to.  Other times I need to allow my illnesses communicate despite their bickering.  The noise is part of the battle.  I do not like it, but I understand I have to go through this to heal.  

            Some days writing helps.  Writing allows me to process my thoughts. I can have a conversation about my illnesses with the pages of my journal.  Sometimes I share my writing with others.  That sharing is healing for me.

            Depression and cancer each have their own pains and suffering.  Together they add up.  They feed off each other.  When the chemo leaves me nauseous, the depression tells me I am not strong enough to fight.  When I feel weak, the depression reminds me I am battling an illness that can kill me.  When the depression is in control the chemo side effects gain a stronger grip upon me.  Cancer wants to be heard, too. Depression and cancer each have a voice. 

            Living with two illnesses is very difficult.  I do not wish it upon anyone.  I am going to keep fighting.  The depression has been with me close to four decades and I am still fighting.  I plan to fight cancer the same way.  At times I will struggle, but I have an amazing support system surrounding me.  When I get through this, I am going to advocate to build more support systems for others in need.  Having depression and cancer sucks, but I am determined that some good will come out of it.