Different Sides of Depression

            Often depression is described as low mood, sadness, being down, darkness, or low affect.  Those are all part of it, but there are other aspects of depression, too.  One I struggle with is irritability.  Sometimes when my mood is very low, the heaviness and darkness I feel transitions into irritability.  My mood continues to drop, but I also feel very agitated.  Little things set off negative thoughts in my head.  I feel a sense of anger building in me.  At these times I don’t want to be around anyone.  I fear I will be set off by something inconsequential.  I fear my anger will show at times it normally wouldn’t.

For me the low mood starts first.  Sometimes I feel really drained before the irritability starts.  The irritability courses through me. It is as if I can physically feel it. It is like a fire rising inside of me.  I feel it crawling through me.  I want it to stop, but I find it difficult to relax.  My thoughts are all negative.  I hear the voice in my mind saying that everything is too much.  At these times I want to escape the situation.

Unfortunately, that need to escape sometimes manifests in suicidal thoughts.  Those thoughts make the situation worse.  I know that I won’t make an attempt on my life.  Cancer has taught me to value the time I have.  Still, the thoughts are there.  It is in these moments that I need to write.  I try to let the thoughts pour out of my pen.  For me the problem is if I don’t start writing soon enough.  If the depression and irritability build, I struggle to ease their effects on me. At these moments crawling into bed is often my only option.  It is hard to talk to others about the way I feel.  That leaves me feeling isolated.  Depression is an isolating illness.  It has left me on the outside looking in most of my life.

I imagine others who are diagnosed with depression experience similar feelings.  There is nothing neat and orderly about depression.  We all have our own unique experiences with this illness.  At the same time, we are bonded by the manifestations of depression we experience.  Some days depression looks different than other days.  Some days my depression is low mood.  Other days, it is a discouraged outlook on life. It is still depression.  No matter how it manifests, depression is still a painful illness.  

Support groups can help ease the isolation that depression causes.  NAMI offers support groups and peer classes.  There are other places to find support groups.  You can try asking a therapist or inquiring at your local hospital.  Right now, I am not in a mental health support group.  I am attending a cancer support group.  That is what I need at this point, but I plan to go back to a depression support group.  I know it will help me.  I encourage anyone struggling with the effects of depression, however they manifest for you, to join a support group. 

 

Here is a link to NAMI to begin your search: 

https://www.nami.org/Home