Experiencing a Sense of Loss with Depression

                  Depression carries with it a lot of difficulties.  Over the years I have experienced most if not all of them.  One difficulty that surfaces with depression is a sense of loss.  This sense of loss can make the darkness of depression worse.  The loss does not have to be a physical loss, although it can be.  

For me the sense of loss stems from all the depression has taken away from me.  I am very aware of all that I have missed out on in life because of my depression.  On an everyday level, I have often stayed home or hid under the covers in bed to avoid letting others see my depression.  Often, I have said no to invitations to spend time with friends or family because the darkness is too much for me to cope with in the moment.  I have spent many days and evenings alone hiding my depression.  I miss out on fun times.  I miss out events and experiences.  The depression tells me I am not well enough to join in activities with others.  Sometimes it tells me I don’t deserve to join in with others.  When the depression talks to me like this, I find myself staring at the walls in my house. I tell myself that I am safest at home alone.  I shed tears.  I question why my world is so dark.  Sometimes I wish I could be like friends and family who seem to be enjoying life.  The experiences I have lost are gone for good.  I can’t go back and relive moments missed throughout my life.  That’s where the sense of loss stems from.  I have lost experiences. 

Another loss I have experienced is the loss of potential relationships.  I never wanted to spread my depression or let it impact others.  This desire led me to avoid seeking relationships.  It has been decades since I have gone on a date.  I never gave myself the opportunity to meet someone I could share my life with because I feared no one would understand my depression.  It was my way of protecting myself, but looking back on it, I probably hurt myself more.  I also prevented others from knowing me on a deeper level.  I lost potential relationships.  I lost the opportunity to have a life partner.  I never gave myself a chance to have a family because I didn’t want to pass the depression on.  Sometimes I find myself grieving that loss.  I know it is too late for me to have children.  That is one of my regrets.  Depression caused me to miss out on a family life.  

The sense of loss depression created in my life hurts.  I don’t talk about it much because I fear others won’t understand.  That is the voice of depression talking.  It tells me to keep my pain to myself.  Depression is jealous. It does not want me to reach out to others.  Depression wants to be in complete control.  I have lost so much because depression is a thief.  

If my depression hadn’t forced me to miss so many days of work, I would not be worrying as much now that I have cancer.  I would have sick days left to use.  Unfortunately, depression stole those, too.  As a result, I am facing some difficult choices that affect my physical health and my well-being. Again, depression has created a loss in my life.

I am also facing a possible loss that has triggered my depression to take me to a very dark level.  I am losing my health insurance. I fear I won’t be able to make the right decisions to maintain my level of care.  I fear losing the people who mean so much to me: my mental health team and my physical health team.  This sense of loss has invaded my thoughts.  The worry has been overtaken by anxiety and the depression, which makes it difficult for me to cope.  My depression tells me I can’t tell them how much I fear losing them.  There is nothing they can do to prevent it.  I must take care of it on my own.  The sense of loss is present again.  I have lost my ability to think and process information smoothly.  Some of that is from the chemotherapy, but a lot of it stems from my mental illness overtaking my brain.  This sense of loss leaves me overwhelmed. Depression is present as I fear this loss.  It tells me things I shouldn’t listen to.  It drags me into the darkness.  I am afraid I won’t climb back out of this darkness.  

I know I am not alone.  There are many people who experience loss because of depression.  Maybe someone reading this post has felt the sting of loss because of depression.  I write about it not because I want sympathy, but because I want to bring awareness to this aspect of depression.  I want others who suffer from depression to know they are not alone.  I want to encourage people to discuss loss and to discuss depression.  An open dialogue will help us deal with the sense of loss created by depression.  For my part, I am going to try to bring it up in therapy.  I realize I need to talk about this sense of loss.  I need to process how it is affecting me.  Just like with any aspect of depression, the sense of loss cannot be faced alone.  To heal, we need to have discussions.  We need to know we are not alone.  If you are experiencing a sense of loss because of depression, I invite you to reach out in the comments section of this post or reach out to a mental health provider.  There is a lot to discuss.  I know I can’t do it alone and I need to reach out.  If this sense of loss is familiar to you, reach out in whatever way feels comfortable to you.