Struggling with My Illnesses

                 I am having a rough time.  I don’t feel well.  In the past not feeling well physically would not be a problem.  I would have just taken an over-the-counter remedy and moved on with my day.  Now, I can no longer do that.  My head, or rather my anxiety, won’t allow me that luxury.  Cancer changed my world in so many ways.  It has required me to relearn how to live.  I have learned to fight a terrible illness.  Cancer has made me more vulnerable both physically and mentally.  As a result, I have learned to accept help.  I now understand that my life has worth.  Those are just a few of the lessons I have learned on this journey.

                  What hasn’t changed is the control anxiety has over me.  The anxiety has increased in some ways.  The last several days my stomach has been upset and I have been somewhat nauseous.  I also have pain in my abdomen near my liver.  This is the same way I felt right before I was diagnosed with cancer.  So, of course my anxiety has latched onto that fact.  I know Dr. St, my oncologist, who I really do trust, has said the liver pain is not likely to be more tumors.  She examined me just last week.  My bloodwork is good.  She has explained all of this to me.  On an intellectual level, I believe her.  I can understand that she is right.  I know I have a pet scan coming up that will likely confirm what she has already told me.  Still, with every twinge of pain and every second of an upset stomach, my anxiety screams in my head.  It tells me the cancer is spreading.  

                  I find myself trying to believe my doctor. I know she is right, but still, I am anxious. I can reach out to my mental health team, to my oncology team, to my primary care provider and her nurse, to Aunt Holly, and to other family and friends.  The problem is none of them have had cancer.  As well-meaning as they are, they have never experienced what I am going through.  Part of me says that shouldn’t matter, but on some level that I don’t understand, it does matter.  Not only do I have cancer, but I also have depression and anxiety disorders.  Each of these three illnesses is difficult enough on its own.  Combined they are hell.  

The anxiety triggers the depression and vice versa.  Worrying about the cancer triggers both the depression and the anxiety.  Not feeling well physically is picked up by my mind, which jumps in and makes me feel worse.  I hate this. 

                  The nurse practitioner in my oncologist’s office called me last week.  She told me how to handle my upset stomach.  I am trying to follow her directions, but my mind wants immediate results.  That is not going to happen.  As I write this, my mind is questioning why the antacids I took ten minutes ago aren’t working.  Of course, I need to give them time.  I know that, but the anxiety that fills my mind tells me it is not going to work.  

                  The worst part is that I have not yet gone to bed.  That is when my mind loves to attack me.  As I lie in bed, I feel the pain over my liver.  My mind shrieks, “More tumors!”  Even though, Dr. St has assured me that is not the case, my mind’s argument is compelling.  I try to replay Dr. St’s words over and over in mind.  I focus my thoughts on hearing her voice.  Despite my efforts, I struggle.  

                  This is the part of being sick that doesn’t get as much attention.  The mind games. I know it happens to some degree for everyone who has cancer.  My depression and anxiety intensify everything.  I need constant reassurance, which makes me feel guilty.  I feel like I am reaching out for help too often.  I don’t know what else to do.  That reassurance is necessary for me.  I need a lot of reassurance.  It is something I cannot control.  I try to talk myself into being calmer.  I tell myself to focus on what Dr. St said.  It is a battle in my head that I can’t seem to win.

                  I am doing what I need to do to improve my depression and anxiety.  Every day I receive TMS treatment.  I believe it will help, but again, I need to be patient.  Every week I talk to Dr. Klein.  I talk to Stephanie weekly.  I have regular appointment with Dr. S.  My mental health is being addressed.  Depression and anxiety are powerful.  They overtake my mind making it harder to fight the cancer.  

                  I wish I could sit down with someone who has experienced what I am going through and just talk.  I attend an online support group for patients with stage 4 cancer.  It helps, but it is not enough for me at this point in my journey.  I am left with the question, “What can I do?”  Right now, I am not sure I know the answer to that question.  I’ll keep searching for the answer. I’ll try to keep reaching out to my mental health and physical health teams.  I know they are willing to help and that it is okay for me to reach out.  I need to remind myself of that.

Cindi, Dr. St’s nurse navigator understands what I am going through.  I find myself reaching out to her more often.  However, I can’t do that in the middle of the night when my anxiety is at its worst.  I struggle more at night, but the days are not easy.  

                  As for the physical ailments I am experiencing, I will follow the advice I was given.  I will eat soft foods when I can actually eat and take antacids and nausea meds.  For my mental health, I’ll keep going to TMS and trust my team to guide me through all of this.  I know that overall, I am doing fairly well.  It is never going to be easy, but I need to believe it can improve.