Holding onto Hope

                  Living with illness can leave a person struggling to find hope.  I have experienced hopelessness throughout my life as I have fought depression and anxiety.  My battle with cancer has added to that struggle.  It is often difficult to have hope in the face of illness.

By its nature depression steals hope from people.  The voice of depression drills negative thoughts into our heads.  We become hopeless because the darkness is so consuming.  It is difficult to believe that life can get better.  The messages that surround us can range from, “I can’t do this” to “I would be better off dead.”  Depression is cruel.  It steals our hope for a better life, a healthy life.  It is important to remember that depression cannot be fought alone.

In my case, cancer has jumped into the picture.  It threatens to take my life.  Confusion sets in.  When my test results were bad, it was hard to have hope that I would be able to beat cancer.  I needed help beyond just the medical treatment I was receiving. 

Overcoming illness, whether mental or physical, or in my case, both, requires hope.  However, that hope can be difficult to summon on our own.  An important lesson I have learned is that it is okay to lean on the hope of others when I cannot find hope on my own.  My mental health team was the first to teach me that.  Dr. Klein has been by my side for a very long time.  He has never given up on me.  He has shown me that hope exists even when I don’t see it.  Just by being by my side and encouraging me, he shows me that he has hope for me and that I can hang on to his hope.  This knowledge has allowed me to pick myself back up after some really trying times. 

Dr. S shares her hope for me through her optimism.  She is always there for me and creates a view of life for me that lets me know I can get through tough times.  It was Dr. S who guided me towards TMS as a means of overcoming the depression when medication was not working.  I had reached a point where I didn’t believe I could overcome the depression, but Dr. S said TMS could help me.  With her and Dr. Klein encouraging me, I was able to take the risk and give TMS a chance.  I was holding onto their hope for me when I didn’t have hope for myself.  (If you are interested in TMS, see my posts dated, October 30 and November 13, 2023)

In the past few years, I have hit some dark times.  There was a point where the TMS didn’t seem to be working.  I was in a really dark place.  I was having self-harm and suicidal thoughts.  My team was there for me.  Stephanie realized I was at a point where I needed more than the TMS could offer.  I vividly remember her telling me there was still hope.  She reached out and let me hold onto her hope for me.  That is when I started ketamine treatment.  Through the whole process, Stephanie, Dr. Sullivan, and Dr. Klein were allowing me to hold onto their hope for me.  This gave the treatment space to get to work on me.  At times, I didn’t have hope of my own.  My world was too dark.  By holding onto their hope for me, I was able to keep fighting and eventually come out of the darkness.

Little did I know that shortly after I started healing, another illness would knock me back down.  I was diagnosed with cancer last July.  Right from the beginning I knew I couldn’t fight alone.  My primary care provider, Cristina, gave me hope starting at the moment she told me I had cancer.  Having learned to hold onto hope from my mental health team, I knew I had to trust Cristina's and her nurse, Henry’s, hope for me.  That hope led me to keep fighting to find the right oncologist to lead my battle.  Dr. St has given me hope.  The first oncologist I saw left me thinking I was going to die.  Dr. St stepped in and allowed me to lean on her hope in my cancer fight.  Cindi, the oncology nurse navigator, who encourages me to dance through my cancer treatment gives me the hope that I will beat cancer.  Dr. St and Cindi allow me to hang onto their hope.  I wouldn’t be able to do that if my mental health team hadn’t taught me how to hang on to the hope of others.  Without holding onto the hope of others, my cancer battle would be very different.

So, how do you hold onto the hope of others.  That is difficult to explain.  I don’t think there is any specific formula that I have followed.  The ability to hold onto the hope of others stems from trust.  You need to trust the person whose hope you are going to hang onto.  That person does not have to be a health care provider.  It may be family member or friend.  It may be a mentor.  The key is to be honest with that person about what you are going through.  Even when you don’t want to believe their positive words, you need to allow those words to enter your consciousness.  The words of hope may not make sense at first, but if you keep listening, they will grow stronger.  The trust it takes to do this is hard to develop.  Know that the person you are trusting has your best interest in mind.  Believe that they care about you and want you to get better.  I’ll admit this is easier to do with a physical illness.  The deep darkness of depression and suicidal thoughts are difficult to emerge from.  I know this from a lifetime of experience.  But there is a light deep within me that is kept lit by my mental health team.  In my darkest moments I must remind myself that the light is within me.  Their hope keeps it lit.  If I can just hold onto the light of their hope, I will get through the darkness.  With Dr. Klein, Dr. S, and Stephanie holding hope for me and guiding me, I believe I can get fight depression and anxiety.  

The same is true of physical illness.  You must trust your medical team in order to hang onto their hope. I trust Cristina, Henry, Dr. St and Cindi.  I know they are keeping a light of healing burning inside of me.  I am not naïve enough to believe that they are stronger than cancer, but I do believe they are able to keep me healthy enough to fight this battle.  I know Dr. St will do everything in her power to beat the cancer.  I know Cristina will take care of all my other physical health issues.

Not everyone has the same support I have.  That is an issue that we as a society need to address.  We need to ensure that everyone, regardless of socio-economic status or race has access to high-quality mental and physical healthcare.  This is one of the reasons that I support NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness). As an organization, NAMI works tirelessly to help everyone get help with mental health issues.  There are many physical health organizations that people can support as well.  Since I have breast cancer, I am choosing to support a cancer organization. There are many organizations we can choose to support.  That support doesn’t always need to be monetary.  You can support an organization just by being involved.   

I will continue to lean on my mental and physical health teams to help me have hope for healing.  I am grateful I have them.  I wish that for everyone.  If you do not have someone you can lean on for hope, know that I have hope for you.  Reach out to someone you trust.  Find the right doctor, therapist, or nurse.  Join a support group.  I have been a part of support groups for both my mental and physical health.  These groups are helpful. When we have support systems in place, we can have more hope.  That hope is necessary for healing.  Don’t give up on finding hope.  You can heal.  We all can.