I’m Still Here

                  My life has been a series of battles. Most often I have battled depression. It first started when I was in my early teens and has continued for over 35 years. Depression and I are old sparring pals. We have had knockdown, drag out fights. Depression has tried to take my life many times. Despite depression’s efforts, I have fought back each time. I have not always been able to fight back alone, but I have fought back. I have stared depression’s death threats in the eye. 

                  I have learned to live with depression and its partner, anxiety. By no means has it been easy. In fact, it has taken a lot out of me and cost me a lot. I have missed out on a lot in life because of these two foes, but I continue living. There have been good times and there have been bad times. Unfortunately, there have also been some really bad times. At times I have felt like I was being dragged through hell. Despite this, I am still here.

                  Cancer joined the fray a little over a year ago. It burst into my life at stage 4, poised to kill me as it spread. It was a diagnosis I was unprepared for and not expecting. Even though I was scared and unsure about my opponent, I fought. My years of fighting depression and anxiety taught me that I had a fight inside of me. The fight with cancer was different.  It made me physically sick and very weak. Of course, depression and anxiety loved this and piled on. 

How did I fight mental and physical illness at the same time? It doesn’t seem possible that I have emerged from the battles. But I’m still here. First, I must credit the people around me. My aunt was by my side from diagnosis on. Other family and friends were there. My mental health team was there throughout. My psychiatrist, psychologist, and psychiatric nurse practitioner lifted me up and helped me keep the depression and anxiety at bay as I focused on fighting cancer. They encouraged and empowered me. I was blessed with an amazing oncologist who put my cancer in the crosshairs and attacked it. My primary care provider was there to encouraged me and keep me fighting. Two nurses stepped into my life and taught me how to fight. One, my oncology nurse navigator, showed me how to dance atop cancer. She helped me find a rhythm in this battle and gave me a reason to smile. The other nurse, my primary’s nurse, lifted me up with encouragement and reminded that me I would be okay.

Depression, anxiety and cancer have all taken aim at me. They have pushed me to the edge. At times I didn’t believe I had the strength to fight. I thought I would lose the battle. The people around me wouldn’t let me give up. I took their belief in my ability to fight and did just that. I fought. I have won battles, but I know this is a war. I will need to continue fighting. That’s okay. I’ve learned there is a fight in me. I hope others see it and find the fight within themselves. That would give my fight more meaning.

Good things have come out of my fight. For one, I’m still alive. Obvious one there. But there are other things. I’ve learned to live in the moment. Tomorrow isn’t promised. We need to do what we want to do and say what we want to say while we have the opportunity. Two things I want to do are go to Italy and write. So, I’m doing them. In October, I will head to Italy with a friend. I will explore the towns my family came from. I will see beautiful works of art and eat incredible food. Every day I write. I have submitted pieces for publication, and I post on this blog twice a week. In addition, I am working on two books that I hope to publish before the end of the year. 

The illnesses I fight chose me. I didn’t choose them. Despite how much they have torn me down, I have learned from depression, anxiety, and cancer. I have learned the value of life. I have learned who is important in my life and I know I have some wonderful people supporting me. Depression, anxiety, and cancer tried to take me life, but I’m still here.