Finding Color in a World of Black and White

“I saw the world in black and white instead of the vibrant colours and shades I knew existed.”  

    ― Katie McGarry, “Pushing the Limits”

                  The quote above really strikes a chord with me. Much of my life has been in darkness, a black and white world, because of depression. Shadows have surrounded everything. Despite this darkness I have managed to reach middle-age. If you had told me I would be in my 50s someday when I was younger, I wouldn’t have believed you. Hope was something that I struggled with daily. And the future seemed bleak.

                  In the past few years, I’ve learned that hope does exist. There are colors in my world despite the darkness. My mental health team has taught me to see the colors. They have led me in the direction of treatments that provided those colors. That was an important part of healing because traditional depression treatment with medication doesn’t work for me. It started with TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation). I didn’t see colors with TMS, but the darkness lifted, and I saw the world around me. I saw that there was a meaningful life in front of me. For more on TMS read these posts: "Renewed and Recharged: TMS Treatment"and "TMS: A Firsthand Account".  

                  TMS gave me a new lease on life. It gave me hope. I learned that I could heal, and that depression didn’t have to rule my life. There were still struggles. Depression is an illness.  Illnesses don’t just disappear. They can ease and we can learn to cope with them. I have received TMS treatment multiple times. Each time it has given me more light and allowed me to experience hope.

                  TMS alone is not enough. Therapy sustains me. It helps me maintain focus on the positive and reminds me to have hope. There are colors in hope because with hope the world is not dark. Engaging in regular therapy provides me with the tools to maintain hope. In that hope lies the colors of healing.

                  A couple years ago my mental health team and I decided I needed to try esketamine treatment. The darkness had re-emerged, and I was struggling. I was a little scared because I didn’t know how esketamine worked. I was afraid I would have frightening “trips” like I had read about hippies having in the late 1960s. My team helped me understand that I would not experience anything like that. So, we tried it. 

                  My experience was unlike anything I had experienced before. While under the effects of the esketamine I felt a floating sensation. I felt at peace. I saw beautiful colors with lights behind them. I floated through the colors. Purple and green were the most frequent colors I saw, but there were other colors, too. I began to associate the colors with healing. I felt safe. A change was occurring in me. The depression was lifting. The colors replaced the darkness.

                  Recently, my depression and anxiety have been creeping up. My team and I made the decision to try esketamine again. Much to my relief, the colors are still there. Purple is present every time. I think it is my healing color. I feel healing in the color purple so much so that I have written poems about it and painted with purple. 

                  For more on esketamine, read the following posts: "Gardening the Mind: Esketamine Treatment"and "Fertilization and Purple Lights: Esketamine Treatment"

                  I can’t explain why I see colors or why they are associated with healing for me. It is my experience.  I hope others can experience it, too. Maybe color is healing because colors represent an absence of the darkness. I don’t know. I just know that when I see the colors, I am healing. Hope returns to life, and I believe that I can heal.