Ask the Question

                  September is Suicide Awareness Month. It is a month we try to raise awareness about suicide and how many people are affected by suicidal thoughts. This cannot be limited to one month, but we need a platform to raise awareness. So, a month of awareness activities is beneficial.

                  Today I am going to focus on checking in on friends and family. Many people live with depression and suicidal thoughts in silence. When you look at them you don’t see the struggle they are living with. That is because many of us learn to put on a mask. This mask hides the depression and suicidal thoughts. Whatever our reason for hiding, we are hurting on the inside. Maybe we hide because we don’t want others to worry. Maybe we hide because we don’t think others will understand. Maybe it is a fear that we will lose our jobs. I have hidden my depression and thoughts for each of those reasons. 

                  Even though we try to hide our depression or suicidal thoughts, there are signs. There is usually some sort of change in us or something out of the ordinary that a loved one can pick up on. That is why I urge people to check in on their friends and family. Ask the question! It is a simple question, “Are you okay?” When you ask this question, don’t just accept “yes,” “I’m okay,” or “I’m fine.” Follow up. Ask them if they are really okay. Don’t let the person just blow you off. If you have seen a change in the person or noticed that they seem different, be persistent in checking on them.

                  I’ll share from my own experience. When my depression starts to increase, I often try to hide it from others. I don’t want others to worry. When I was working, I feared that if anyone knew I how much I was struggling, I would lose my job. For these reasons, if I was asked how I was doing, I always replied with “I am fine.” Usually that was the end of the discussion. Most people accept that as an answer. Unfortunately, often I wasn’t fine, and I needed help. The only people who didn’t accept my answer were the people on my mental health team. What if a friend or family member had pushed me to give more of a response? What if someone had asked “Are you really okay?” What if they had said “I have noticed you seem down?” or “I noticed you are keeping to yourself?” It likely wouldn’t have stopped my suicidal thoughts, but it would have been an opening to let someone in. It might have pushed me to seek out my mental health team sooner. 

                  It is important understand that often people with depression or other mental illnesses don’t want to be a burden on others. We don’t want others to see our struggle. But if you let me know that you see I am struggling and that you won’t just accept my answer that I am fine, I am more likely to open up. I am more likely to get help. 

                  When you ask these questions, you are not expected to solve the problem. You do not need to have the answers or know exactly what to do. Just being there is important. Be aware of changes in the behavior of others. It could be an indication that the person is struggling and in need of support. 

                  People who die by suicide often seem fine, but if we really pay attention, there are signs.  I am reminded of the actor, Robin Williams. People were shocked when he died by suicide. He was always so funny. People thought he was happy, but he was struggling with depression. He hid it well. None of us knew until it was too late. He masked his depression by trying to make others happy. There is no way of knowing if someone could have prevented his death and I am not going to make assumptions. I just use him as an example of someone who masked his depression and suicidal thoughts. We need to check in on all our friends and family. Ask people how they are doing and really listen to their answer. I know this is not going to prevent every suicide, but if checking in on someone saves one life, it has made a difference. 

                  So, this month and every month, check in on others. Have conversations with friends and family. Share your emotions and encourage them to share theirs. The more we really listen to each other, the more aware we will be aware of how each of us is doing. This is just one step to reducing the number of deaths by suicide, but it is an important step. It is a step each of us can take.