Darkest Moments

“It is during our darkest moments that we must focus on the light.” – Aristotle

 

                  I saw this quote on the Giving Voice to Depression Podcast social media. This is one of my favorite podcasts, definitely my favorite mental health podcast. I often find inspiration in their posts and podcasts, which feature lived experience with depression. 

                  Back to the quote. This quote really resonates with me because I have always described depression as a darkness and healing as a light. My book A Light Amidst the Darkness illustrates this belief through poetry. What I find striking about this quote is the idea that even in darkness we can focus on light. As someone who has been trapped in the depths of the darkness of depression, I can attest to just how difficult that is. When depression is at its darkest it is difficult to believe in the light of healing. It is difficult to reach out and have hope. 

                  I have written a lot about the darkness. It is suffocating. It is all-encompassing. When depression wraps its cloak around a person, the light of healing seems to be extinguished. Many times, I have wondered how I would ever get out from beneath the darkness. Those dark moments hurt and numb me at the same time. I hurt because I fear I will never see the light again. I am numb because there seems to be no reason to search for the light when the darkness is at its most pitch black. This darkness is depression. It is an illness. In these times I must remember that it is an illness and not a part of me. To do that I must turn my focus away from the darkness. Not an easy task, but a necessary one. 

                  How do we change our focus to the light? It is something we need to learn. It is not going to come naturally. I have learned by listening to my mental health team. They are a part of my light. They pull the light into my darkness so that I can focus on it. Often, I don’t see it on my own and need reminders. That is okay. Mental health professionals dedicate themselves to helping people focus on the light. 

                  Changing our focus to the light requires us to latch onto hope. Hope is a difficult concept to grasp. Having hope means believing that the darkness does not have total control. Even when the darkness wraps us in its veil, holes can be found. They may be pinpoints, but they let light into our lives nonetheless. I think there are several pinpoints dotting the darkness of my depression. They exist as my mental health team, my friends and loved ones who support me, the medical professionals who fight my physical health issues, and even the music that uplifts me. If I can turn to these pinpoints of light in my darkest moments and hold onto their support, I can break down the darkness of depression. It is by no means an easy or clean process. There are ups and downs. Shadows cross the sky of my consciousness at times, but for a shadow to exist there must be light.

                  I have come to believe that we cannot have darkness without the existence of light. It is often difficult to remember that when the darkness of depression is suffocating me, but opposites fill our world. There is no dry if wet does not exist. We can’t be hot if we don’t know cold. If something doesn’t open, how can it close? In the same way, darkness cannot exist without light. Illness cannot exist without healing. 

                  It may seem like I am oversimplifying depression by describing it in this way, but I am not. Depression is complicated. It affects each one of us differently. Healing also appears differently for each of us. Despite the differences, I believe the commonality lies in the light of hope. Hope transcends darkness. It is the light that brightens the darkest of days. We need to look for it, reach out to it. As Aristotle states, we must focus on the light. That light may contain therapy, medication, TMS, esketamine, or other treatments. It may contain a hand reaching out to a loved one. Whatever the light contains, whatever it requires of us, we need to focus on the light. The darkness will attempt to consume us. That is how the illness of depression works. It fears the light because the light has the power to brighten the lives of people struggling with depression. 

                  We all need to focus on the light, even if it is just a pinpoint right now. That pinpoint can let the light in and in time we will heal.