Living with What Ifs

                  I woke up this morning not knowing what I would post about today. I’ve already posted about gratitude this month. Even though it is Thanksgiving week gratitude would be a redundant post. I wondered what I could write about. Then as I sat in a support group something came up for me that I haven’t explored in writing. So, I thought I would start that exploration in today’s post. 

                  “What if?” That’s a question that consumes my thoughts frequently. There are “what ifs” in my cancer battle and “what ifs” in my mental health journey. Sometimes these thoughts are scary, and I try to force them to the back of my mind. The thoughts bring tears to my eyes as they echo in my mind. I’m not sure that I am coping with them in the most productive way. It is hard to discuss these thoughts. I can express them to my mental health team at times, but even then, sometimes I don’t know how to verbalize these thoughts. 

                  Every time I feel a pain my mind jumps to “what if it is more cancer?” As I write this, I am experiencing pain in my leg that my mind tells me is cancer. My last pet scan was good, but my mind tells me it didn’t scan my whole femur, and that the cancer wasn’t caught. A ridiculous thought, but a thought that scares me. After I complained about the pain to my primary care provider, she ordered an x-ray. It has been a week since the x-ray, and I haven’t heard the results. So, of course my mind assumes the worse. I don’t see my primary for another week. That means the “what ifs” are going to live in my brain until then. 

                  The “what ifs” pop up every time I have blood drawn or have a pet scan. Is this my life now? Are “what ifs” just a part of my life? Cancer has changed a lot about my life. What if I don’t get better? What if the next pet scan shows new tumors? What if the next blood draw shows a high tumor marker? These are questions I continually ask. Unfortunately, most of the time I ask these questions in my mind and don’t hear a response that puts me at ease. 

                  The “what ifs” exist with my mental health as well. I often feel like the depression is just waiting to darken my world. When I am doing well, I wonder how long I can remain in a positive state. Surely, the darkness is lurking around the corner. What if the suicidal thoughts start again? These thoughts pop up whenever they want. They don’t care if I am working to overcome them. They don’t care if I have fought cancer so I could live these past 15 months. The suicidal thoughts creep in when they want. Treatment helps, but it is not foolproof. My mind has worked this way for decades. I sometimes wonder if the suicidal thoughts will ever completely go away. I find myself asking, “what if I could live without these thoughts?”  

                  Fighting cancer, depression, and anxiety at the same time has allowed the “what ifs” to take up residency in my brain. How can two words create such pain? I wish I knew how to make the “what ifs” go away. Sometimes I want to reach out to a friend or someone in my family, but then I feel like I am burdening them. I have my mental health team, but I wonder if they tire of me having the same thoughts. Sometimes distraction works, but I am not good at finding distractions. 

                  Maybe the “what ifs” are just a part of my life. Honestly, I hate the “what ifs”. I wish I could silence their questioning. Who knows? One day I might figure it out. Although that seems unlikely. I need to figure out how to respond to the “what ifs”. I would like to tell them to shut up. Instead, I probably need to work on responding to them with positive thoughts. If not positive thoughts, I need to at least respond with rationale thoughts. This is probably a conversation I should have in therapy. I can’t keep avoiding the “what ifs.” They are hurting me and impacting the way I cope with cancer and mental illness. I guess writing about them here is a start to dealing with them constructively. Has anyone reading this dealt with the “what ifs” in some aspect of your life? If so, what advice can you share?

 

 

Protecting My Mental Health During Thanksgiving

                   Today I am going to attempt to discuss something that I know I need to work on myself.  Thanksgiving can be a difficult holiday when you live with depression. I struggle during the holiday season. My struggles usually start about a week or two before Thanksgiving. It’s gotten easier as I have learned to recognize it for what it is and have worked on giving myself grace at this time of year. 

                  Holidays usually mean family gatherings. My family is no different, although our gathering is much smaller than it used to be as a lot of my family has moved away or has their own family now. For me the family gathering is difficult because I feel out of place. I am middle-aged and still single. My head tells me that makes me less of person. I know that is probably not true, but it is hard to keep my depression from pointing out that I am alone. I don’t get to host a holiday because as the single person I am expected to just go along with everyone else. Fair, but still, I’d like to have input in the holiday celebrations. 

                  Thanksgiving is a time to focus on what we are grateful for in life. I have a lot to be grateful for and I do spend time focusing on those things. Despite being grateful, the holidays point out what my depression has taken from me. I never made an effort to have a relationship because of my depression. I have always feared that no one would want to be in a relationship with someone who struggles as much as I have with depression. It didn’t seem fair to put someone in that position. So, I didn’t date. I didn’t try to have relationships that could have possibly led to marriage and a family. As a result, I find myself over 50 and looking back thinking of what could have been. I see my brother’s family, my cousins and their families. As happy as I am for them, I wish I had what they have. What I see instead of a family of my own, is a future in which I am alone. I guess I can’t blame it on the depression. I made the decision to be alone. There are people with depression who have families. It can be done. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that when I was younger. 

                  This post is supposed to be about protecting my mental health during Thanksgiving and here I am focusing on what I don’t have. That is the opposite of what I had planned to write. That’s okay because the way I protect my mental health stems from living with the negatives. What I need to do to get through Thanksgiving and what I recommend to others who struggle is to reframe things. To do this I need to remind myself that while I don’t have my own family, I do have a niece and nephew who I am lucky enough to watch grow into wonderful young adults. On Thanksgiving I hear about all they are involved in. I hear their excitement. I can spend time with them at the holidays. 

I still have my mother. Many people my age have lost their parents.  While I lost my father 15 years ago, I can still spend Thanksgiving with my mom. I can watch her smile as she enjoys her grandchildren. I have a brother and sister-in-law who I am grateful for. They helped me with several things during my cancer battle. I didn’t lose my home despite being unable to work, because they were there. 

I have extended family who brighten my life and while I won’t spend Thanksgiving Day with them, I am grateful. My aunt has supported me through my 16-month battle with cancer. Where would I be without her? My cousins have helped me in so many ways. One thing I’d like to do this holiday season is go for a walk with my cousin and let her know how grateful I am for her presence in my life. It is the simple things that are meaningful.

These are the things I need to let my mind focus on when the depression gets loud. I need to remind myself that I have family even if I am not a wife or mother. Is my life different than what I may have wanted? Yes. But I am alive. Cancer didn’t take me. I haven’t succumbed to the suicidal thoughts that my depression controls. 

So, this Thanksgiving I am going to put up a barrier. It’s not a barrier to keep people out. It is a barrier to keep the depression quiet. Maybe I can call it a muzzle. When the depression starts telling me what I don’t have, I am going to envision a muzzle around its voice. I am going to tell myself that I don’t need to listen to that damn voice. Instead, I am going to ask my niece and nephew what their dreams are. I am going to tell them to never give up on their dreams. Dreams may change as we move through life, but I want them to know that we can find happiness in life. It is a matter of perspective. I am learning that late in life. I hope I can share this knowledge with them while they are young. This Thanksgiving I am going to protect my mental health by focusing on what I have and sharing what I have learned. This is the grace I am giving myself this Thanksgiving.

Different Perspectives on Depression

                  Having lived with depression for over three decades, I have come to realize that there are different ways to view my depression. My most common view is that it is a terrible, unwanted illness. I think that is probably a perspective that I share with many people who suffer from depression. It is fair to say that depression causes pain and leaves us with a hopelessness that can prevent us from living our best lives.

                  Is there more to living with depression? Do I ever view it from a different perspective? Asking these questions makes wonder if there is a positive side to depression. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying that depression can be a good thing or that I am glad I suffer from this illness. I’ll be the first to say depression sucks. Despite this I think depression has given me some gifts.

                  Depression has taught me to be reflective. The negative thoughts that fill my mind need to be explored for me to understand them. I can’t cope with thoughts I don’t understand. My psychologist has provided guidance here. He has led me through reflective processes that allow me to talk back to my depression and to recognize when depression is in control. As a result, I have learned to be reflective. I don’t think I would possess these reflective skills if I didn’t struggle with depression.

                  Compassion is another outgrowth from my depression. This compassion shows itself in how I interact with others who live with mental illness. I can relate to others who live with this illness. My compassion played a role in my career as a special education teacher. I was usually able to recognize when a student was struggling with their mental health. I could relate to students who expressed suicidal ideation and provide support that led to getting them the help they needed. My memories of being in high school and contemplating suicide, gave me a perspective that allowed me to connect with students who were struggling in a similar way. 

                  My self-reflection skills and my compassion allow me to connect with others when I share my story. I am able to say, “I get it” when others share their story. The connection created allows me to help others see that we can live with mental illness.  It is not something we need to hide. I can share that there is no shame in mental illness when I am able to connect with others.

                  As I write this, I am contemplating depression in my life. It is a weight that I wish I didn’t have to bear. Depression has haunted me for most of my life. It is a stretch to say that I have received gifts from depression, but I have received something. I am just not sure what to call it. I am glad that I have the ability to be reflective. This skill allows me to share my story and relate to others who suffer from mental illness. My ability to reflect allows me to write this blog and has helped me write the poetry and books I have written. I hope I have helped others through my reflective abilities.

                  As for compassion, that is an important trait for all of us to have. At times I think we have lost some compassion in this country. We need to be able to care for and understand others. My suffering with depression allows me to understand others who suffer. I’m not going to say that makes my suffering worth it, but it at least gives it some meaning. 

                  Depression affects each of us differently. My perspective on it changes depending on how it is affecting me in a given moment. I am by no means glad I live with depression. I wish it would go away. However, if I have to live with it, I am grateful that it is has provided me with self-reflection and compassion and I hope that I use those for the betterment of others.

                  

Gratitude in the Face of Depression

                  November is a time when we focus on gratitude. We should be grateful all year long, but with Thanksgiving being this month our attention is drawn to gratitude. As someone who lives with the darkness of depression, I sometimes find it difficult to focus on what I am grateful for in life. Despite this, I try to show my gratitude.

                  Depression creates an inner struggle, at least it does for me. My mind focuses on the darkness, on what I struggle with, and on what I am missing out on because of my depression. I often feel like things won’t get better or that it is not worth trying to find happiness. At times these thoughts turn suicidal, which is the ultimate darkness. Depression creates a lack of hope. How can I be grateful when my mind focuses on all that I am struggling with? 

                  I have thought a lot about this recently. Despite my depression I have a lot to be grateful for in life. I’ll save that list for another post on Thanksgiving Day. But I do have a lot to be grateful for and it is important that I train my mind to think about those things. This requires me to tell my depression to shut up.  Not an easy task. Depression has been chanting in my head for over 35 years. It has taken up residency as if it owns my head. Luckily, I have learned that I have a right to talk back to depression’s voice. When it tells me life isn’t worth living, I tell myself all that I have to live for. This isn’t always easy. I still struggle with it, but I am getting better at talking back. 

                  Focusing on what I am grateful for takes a lot of work because depression has taught my brain to believe in all the negative. Depression wants me to believe that I won’t defeat it, that I won’t beat cancer, that I have no reason to live. All these things are lies that depression feeds off. If I focus my attention on the opposite of these lies, I find that I am grateful. I have a mental health team and a physical health team that lift me up and bring me healing. How can I not be grateful when I recognize how much these individuals have done for me? 

                  I heard about a suicide yesterday. It made me pause and think. Depression has taken me to that edge on several occasions. I have walked, or crawled, back each time. Depression hasn’t won. I am alive. How can I not be grateful? Depression hasn’t defeated me. It is definitely a fight. Depression is a strong a*hole. Maybe I am stronger. Maybe I have learned to use the tools I have learned to fight back. I am grateful I have been able to fight depression for so long. Would I rather not have to fight? Of course. That is obvious, but if I must fight, I am grateful that I continue to win.

                  I’ll be creating a list of all I am grateful for between now and Thanksgiving Day. At the top of that list is being grateful that I am alive. Depression and another a**, cancer haven’t taken my life away from me. I choose to be grateful for the life I have. 

 

 

 

 

Stigmatizing Words

                   I remember hearing the old saying, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” as a kid. As I reflect on it, this saying could not be further from the truth. Words do hurt. As a person with a mental illness, it hurts when I hear references to mental illness used as adjectives, slang, or derogatory statements. These words should not be used in this manner. 

                  I think I’ve written about this before, but it is worth repeating. I am not crazy because I have a mental illness. Depression is real. It is not something to be taken lightly. I struggle with my illness at times. It hurts to hear people use illnesses like mine so casually. 

For example, no one should be saying that they are depressed that their football team lost this weekend. A person can be sad or disappointed that their team lost, but depressed is not the word to use. Depression hurts. Depression is combination of symptoms that go much deeper than losing a sporting event. I was a basketball coach. Believe me, I was never depressed over a loss. Was I disappointed over losses? More times than I’d like to remember, but I was never depressed over a loss. 

                  Mental illnesses are comprised of much more than people think. For example, anxiety is much more than being nervous. For me, anxiety is a combination of mental and physical symptoms. When I am anxious my mind is filled with thoughts that just won’t stop. My chest hurts. I shake. I feel like everything is closing in on me. It is an intense feeling. Anxiety is not a casual nervousness. As such, it should not be used to describe how you feel in the closing moments of a sporting event. A person can feel anxiety without having an anxiety disorder, but it is still an intense feeling.

                  Another mental illness that is all too frequently used as an adjective is OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder). A person is not OCD. A person does not have OCD just because they like things clean. How often do we hear it used that way? Too often. People with OCD have crippling thoughts. They have rituals that they need to engage in to feel okay. This term should never be used as an adjective for neatness.

                  What about the word “crazy”? This word is tossed around without thought. A person with a mental illness is not crazy and should never be described as such. A word I’ve heard used frequently is delusional. Again, this is not a word that should be tossed around. A delusion is a psychological term. It is not a way to describe a person who is speaking in a way you do not like. People who suffer from delusions do not chose to have the delusions. It is a symptom of their illness. We should not be using the word casually. 

                  In all honesty, I think society is getting a little better at being aware of how these terms are being used. Unfortunately, getting a little better is not enough. Mental illness is real. Mental illness is an illness. That means depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, eating disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and more are all illnesses. We should be sensitive in how we talk about these illnesses. 

                  I have both a mental and a physical illness. My physical illness has never been the butt of jokes or used as an adjective. My mental illness has. It hurts. When I hear these words tossed around negatively, it makes me want to hide my mental illness. I feel a sense of embarrassment. I shouldn’t have to feel that way. It leaves me asking myself why my mental illness is treated so differently from my physical illness.

                  One of the major impacts of using mental health terms negatively is that it creates a stigma that prevents many people from getting treatment. There are many people who don’t reach out for help because of a fear of being ridiculed. That shouldn’t be happening today. There is a lot of knowledge out there about mental illnesses. They should be taken seriously and not used as sources of ridicule. Stigma hurts. Stigma prevents treatment. Stigma leads to a worsening of mental illness. Ending stigma starts with the words we chose. It starts with how we chose to speak about these illnesses. It is not easy, but I have learned to speak up when I hear a mental illness being used incorrectly. It is hard and people often just don’t get it. I am going to keep speaking up. I hope others will join me. 

                  

Reaching Out

Today I would like to share a poem. I hope everyone reading this will consider the importance of reaching out. There are times in each of our lives, no matter who we are, when we need to reach out. It may because of depression or other mental illness. It may be a physical illness. It may be due to a family or relationship issue. It may be something you are struggling with.  It may just be a part of life. There are as many reasons to reach out for help as there are people in this world. I encourage everyone to reach out for help when you need it. Even if you feel like you should be able to get through it on your own, reach out. There is no shame in reaching out. It makes us stronger. We are not meant to live in isolation. So, please reach out whenever you need to.

 

 

Reaching Out

 

Reaching out for help

When the darkness becomes overwhelming

Is not an easy task.

It requires strength when we feel so weak.

We often think we cannot reach out.

We fear we will be rejected.

Afraid others will not understand.

Unsure of who to seek out.

One word is all it takes, or even

A simple phrase,

“I need help”.

 

The darkness is real.

Depression lies to us,

Makes us believe the darkness is all there is,

But that is a lie.

We may not see the light, but

The light is there.

Waiting to embrace us.

Welcoming us into healing.

While it is not easy,

We must reach out.

 

One hand emerges from the darkness.

Reaches out to you.

Grabs hold and strengthens you.

Extend your hand and hold on.

Accepting help is okay.

Reaching out should be our norm.

Others have been there.

We are not alone.

 

Planning to Ease Depression

                One thing that I have struggled with throughout my battle with depression is planning my days to ease the depression. Often, I wake up and find that depression creates a desire to run away from the day. It frequently makes me want to pull the blanket over my head and hide. I think many people who live with depression have similar experiences. Learning to cope with this has taken a lifetime of trial and error. I’ve done well at some points in my life and struggled at other points. 

                  Work can provide a distraction. For some people this is a positive. There were times when it was a positive for me. Unfortunately, it was often not a positive for me. At best it was a masking of my symptoms. That created a worsening of my depression that made life more difficult. Now, I am not able to work because of my cancer diagnosis. I am no longer able to mask my depression. I need to face it. I’ve been thinking a lot about how I do that now. I think it comes down to having a purpose to my days. I need to have a reason to get out of bed. I need to have a reason to tell the depression that it is not going to drag me down. Goal setting has helped with this. I’m not talking about formal goal setting. While that is important, too, I am just talking about giving myself a purpose for the day. It is more like a daily plan. 

                  The way I do this is before I go to bed at night, I think about what I need to do the next day and what I want to do. Often, my depression will tell me that I don’t want to do anything. In those moments I need to use my voice to talk back to my depression. I tell it that I must do something. I find that if I write down what I am going to do, I am more likely to do those things. I incorporate a couple different ways of doing this. There is the calendar on my phone. I keep appointments there. I include medical and personal appointments on my calendar. It gives those activities a concreteness and makes them seem more necessary. I also write things that I plan to do in the notes app on my phone. I include my writing time and trips to the grocery store or gas station in my notes. I also include things like household chores. I know that if I see it in writing the next day, I am more likely to do it. I also include things such as going for a walk. I am more likely to do it if I see it on my daily list. Having these things written down allows me to “show my depression that I have things to do.” For me it is important that I check off things as I do them. That allows me to look back at my day in the evening and see that I have accomplished something. I can say to my depression, “Look, I did something today even though I didn’t want me to.”

                  Some days I do better than others at keeping myself occupied. It is not a flawless process. Depression is a powerful illness and there are days when it overtakes me. It can prevent me from following my plan. When that happens, I try not to be too hard on myself. I try to remind myself that I am battling an illness, and I am not going to win every day. The important thing is that I try. It is also important to remember that planning alone is not enough. The treatment of depression requires therapy, medication, and other treatments. I have lived with depression most of my life. I know that just writing down a plan is not enough. However, it is a practice that plays a useful role when combined with following my treatment plan. 

In Thursday’s post I talked about getting the most out of therapy by doing the work necessary to make it successful. Planning our days is part of that work. There is no magical fix for depression and other mental illnesses. Therapy, medication, and non-traditional treatments are important, but they do not work in isolation. We must put in the work to heal. Planning my days is one way I put in the work I need to do.