Saying Goodbye to 2024 and Hello to 2025

                  As 2024 nears a close, many people are looking back over the last year. I have mixed feelings about looking back on the year. Doing so can show how far I have come, but it can also show all I didn’t achieve. My depression will latch onto what was missing in 2024.  Saying goodbye to one year and hello to the next can unleash a mixture of feelings. 

                  In 2024 I experienced ups and downs. Health concerns, both mental and physical, occupied a lot of space during the past year. Really, the past two years have been a roller coaster with my health. Entering 2023 I was struggling with my mental health. That struggle took me on an interesting ride that continued through 2024. I found myself struggling in a new way. Suicidal thoughts were hushed by the desire to fight for my life brought on by cancer. Despite finding the desire to live, depression still impacted me during the past year. At times it doesn’t make sense. I am alive. I am winning my battle with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. Shouldn’t that be enough to hush the depression? Unfortunately, it is not. Depression tries to quash the good things. It wants to ruin the wins in my life. I am blessed with a support team that keeps fighting the depression and allows me to focus on healing. 

                  During the past year I have had a few pet scans that continue to show that cancer no longer has the upper hand. The tumors are gone. As January approaches, another pet scan awaits, which makes me anxious. Scanxiety is now a part of my life. As if I didn’t deal with enough anxiety already. Scan anxiety is that part of my new normal that worries about what the next scan will tell my oncologist. It worries that the next scan will lead to more chemo. Scanxiety is a word that is not found in the dictionary but is very real to anyone living with a cancer diagnosis.  I lived with scanxiety in 2024 it will follow me into 2025. Thankfully, I have learned that I am not alone in dealing with this type of anxiety. I’ve had conversations about it with my oncologist, with my mental health team, in my cancer support group, with my aunt, and perhaps most effectively with my Dancing Queen (you know who you are). As the new year begins, I know I will face anxiety over my cancer diagnosis, but I know I have support to get me through it.

                  In October I took my dream trip to Italy. I explored the country my family once called home. The artisans in Venice, bookmakers, mask-makers, and glass blowers, gave me an appreciation for their arts. The history and art in Rome was amazing. I walked in the same small towns where my ancestors once lived. I stood at the Church altar where my great-grandparents, Pasquale Tropea and Josephina Cappello, were married. I floated in the waters of the Tyrrhenian Sea off the coast of Calabria. My worries seemed to wash away as I floated in this water. It was the trip of a lifetime and made 2024 memorable for all the right reasons.

                  New writing opportunities arose this past year. Writing is filling my life. It is not enough to make a living, but it is providing me with opportunity. My writing is reaching a greater audience. I will admit that I wish my audience would grow faster, but I remind myself that it just takes one person being impacted by something I have written to make a difference.

                  Perhaps the most important lesson I learned began in 2023 and stretched through 2024. I learned a four-letter word that impacted my life in a very positive way. HOPE. It is a simple word that carries so much power. My mental health team instilled hope in me as I was struggling with depression. My oncologist strengthened hope in me with her belief that I would win the battle with cancer. The oncology nurse navigator who taught me to dance atop cancer showed me how to make hope a part of my life. Hope is guiding me now. I do not know where it will lead me, but I am holding onto hope as I enter 2025. My hope is that healing follows me.