Holiday Wishes

                  I recently wrote about how the holidays are difficult for me. It is something I face every year. I don’t know if I expect it, but it is a part of this time of year for me. It is a time of gift-giving of expressing our appreciation and love for the people in our lives. I love to give gifts, but I am not so good when someone asks me what I want. A couple of weeks ago my mother asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I know giving her ideas makes things easier for her, but I honestly couldn’t think of anything. I ended up choosing something I needed for my kitchen, which considering my grandmother’s and my mother’s amazing ability in the kitchen didn’t get passed on to me, something for the kitchen is a bit of a funny choice. 

                  Maybe my inability to say what material things I want is a function of my depression. I can’t see myself being worth anything let alone something nice. I’ve already received a few amazing gifts, a Christmas music globe, a journal, planner and pen set, and watercolors. They each brought a smile to my face and joy to my heart because they were so meaningful. I feel like I’ve received all that I need. As for giving gifts, I finished the chore of wrapping gifts last night. I am the absolute worst at wrapping gifts. I will enjoy watching my niece and nephew open their gifts. For me that is the best part of the holidays. 

                  Still, I feel that there is more to holidays. Maybe the holidays are about wishes just not the material wishes. November was a time to focus on what we are grateful for, but what do we do with all that we grateful for? How do we ensure that gratefulness leads to more abundance? I think that is where holiday wishes come into play. I am grateful for the mental and physical healthcare I have received this year. My healing has been a result of some amazing people. One of my holiday wishes is for them to receive the appreciation they deserve. I also wish that their healing touch continues to heal me as well as others in need. 

                  Another holiday wish is for advances in the treatment of cancer. I have lived the hell that is stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. I wish that no one else has to go through that hell. A cure for cancer is a huge ask, but progress in that direction is realistic. It is likely that I would not be alive if it weren’t for the cancer treatment I received and the amazing oncology team that provided it. I feel the same way about my mental health. I have benefitted from advances in the treatment of depression such as TMS and esketamine. The treatment I have received and the great team that has provided everything from therapy to medication to TMS to esketamine has kept me from giving up on life. Again, my wish is for more advances in the treatment of depression and other mental illnesses as well as greater availability of mental health care. 

                  On a more personal level I wish for the health of my family and friends. It is true that I often feel isolated, but that doesn’t mean I do not care about the people in my life. I want them all to have good health as well as all that they need to make them happy and healthy. I wish for more time with family and friends. That wish is related to my mental health because if I had more time with others isolation would not build up leaving me with more depression. 

                  The fulfillment of these wishes would mean a lot to me. I’ll be realistic. They are not going to happen overnight. Still, they are my wishes this holiday season. My fights with depression and cancer have taught me to have hope. I realize that may sound strange. How do the illnesses that almost took my life teach me to have hope? I survived. Thanks to a great team of mental and physical healthcare providers I have survived. Survival has taught me that we can heal. One more holiday wish is that others find healing and experience survival.

                  What are your holiday wishes? Share in the comments.