Dancing as a means of healing became important to me over the last year and a half. I have always thought of illness and healing in terms of darkness and light. Darkness has represented my battle with depression. While light represents times of healing. These images make sense to me. I am able to use them to describe what I live with in terms of depression.
About a year and a half ago another illness took over my life. I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. Darkness blanketed me. This time I did not know how to emerge from the darkness. I could not see a healing light. I thought I was going to die. This seemed ironic considering how often I have been plagued by suicidal ideation. Then I met an oncology nurse who changed things. In my first interaction with her she taught me something that gave me hope. It seems a little silly, but she said to beat cancer I had to dance. Then she did a little dance right there in the exam room. At first, I did not understand. Then I learned that she was a breast cancer survivor. She knew the care provider side as well as the patient side. Dancing became our connection. She would waltz into the room while I was hooked up to IV tubing and encourage me to dance in the chemo chair. At night when I felt like crap, overwhelmed by nausea and pain, I would hear her telling me to dance. Physically, I couldn’t get up and dance, but I would imagine myself dancing. Slowly, I would feel a little better.
What does dancing have to do with darkness and light? That’s where the disco ball comes into the picture. From the beginning I envisioned a disco ball when I tried to dance. I do not know why this image came to my mind, but I would picture a disco ball when I thought about dancing. A disco ball is made up of many broken pieces of glass. Together they create a ball of light. The disco ball connected my healing to light. Dancing was shining a light in the darkness of cancer. The light was with me just as it is in my battle with depression. It is the healing.
Illness, whether depression or cancer, shrouds me in darkness at times. Despite this darkness a healing light is present. Sometimes it is more difficult to see, but with a little hope the light is there. I find the light in different ways. Sometimes it is through writing. Other times it is by reaching out to my care team. Dancing also brings me healing even if it is just tapping my toes or moving my hips in the chemo chair during treatment. Healing requires me to reach for the light. It is important that we all reach for the light no matter what ails us. There is a light of healing waiting for us to reach out to it.
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