Carrying Depression and Anxiety

                  As I have shared, I have lived with depression and anxiety for most of my life. Starting in my teenage years, depression has been a constant companion. Anxiety joined in a few years later. These two mental illnesses have been a heavy load. Somehow, I have learned to live with them. I owe a lot to therapy and treatment for my ability to function. Despite being able to function, my illnesses still make life difficult. 

                  Most days I can carry depression and anxiety. They impact my life, but I still live my life. On these days I have functioned. I have worked and socialized. I appear “normal”, as if nothing is wrong. I hesitate to use the word “normal”. What I mean by using this word is illness-free. These are the days when I appear to be like everyone else. No one would know that depression is whispering in my ear or that anxiety is causing a tightness in my chest. I have learned strategies that help me cope with the day-to-day effects of my mental illnesses. These are the days when I carry my depression and anxiety well.

                  As I heal and learn more about coping with depression and anxiety, the more I can function as if they were not present. It is a bit strange to say that I am still learning. Depression and anxiety have been present in my life for close to 40 years now. I don’t think I will ever stop learning. I see that as a positive. It means I am working on living with my illnesses. 

                  Even with continually being open to learning, there are days when the depression and anxiety are very heavy. They drag me down on these days. I feel like I don’t have control of what I am feeling. Depression and anxiety are in charge on these days. On these days I am unable to function as I would like. I find myself hiding, unable to interact. Depression feels like a heavy blanket darkening my world. Anxiety becomes a pressure and an antsy sensation that consumes me. These days happen more frequently than I would like, but most people would have no idea that I am experiencing this. I have learned to hide it. These are the days when I cannot carry my depression and anxiety. I am weighed down by their heaviness. I cannot see because of their darkness. 

                  This is mental illness. This is depression and anxiety. Some days I can live and carry them well. Other days I am crushed by their weight. I have good days and bad days. There are also the in between days. Those days when people who know me might pick up on how I am feeling, but I am able to hide it from others. 

                  I have learned that when the weight of depression and anxiety becomes heavy, it is time for treatment. I know I need the help of my mental help team. I have learned that needing both treatment and support are okay. Learning this is part of living with mental illness. The image that comes to mind for me is of rocks on a chain. On the good days I am dragging the chain of rocks behind me. The rocks are with me, but I can carry them. On the bad days those rocks are on top of me. In these moments they are a weight I cannot lift. 

                  Depression and anxiety are illnesses. These illnesses never leave me. I am just able to carry them better at some times than at other times. For me mental illness is not static. It weighs on me differently in each moment. I need to be able to identify how it is affecting me. I need to acknowledge the times when I can push myself. I need to recognize the times when I need to take a step back and protect myself. Most importantly, I need to give myself the grace to accept that what I am experiencing is an illness.