Finding My Voice

                 Living with mental illness, no matter what the diagnosis, is difficult. For me depression started at a young age. I actually do not remember what it was like to live before depression entered my life. In some ways it has become my “normal”. In my life depression just is. I live with it. At times it consumes me. Other times it lurks in the background waiting to fully embrace me.

                  Until few a years ago I accepted my depression as just part of who I am. It was something that I thought I couldn’t change. It was not something I talked about with others. I held it inside as a shameful illness that others would not understand. Then a few things happened that changed my perspective of living with depression. 

                  First, a physician’s assistant (PA) I was seeing recognized that I was being overmedicated by the psychiatrist I was seeing. The PA and my psychologist explained that I had the right to find a psychiatrist who would really listen to my needs. This gave me the courage to search for the right psychiatrist.

                  Another incident is burned into my memory. A couple years later I saw a different PA for primary care, and she shamed me for having mental illness. Her words were hurtful. You can read about this incident in my post about it (Turning Hurtful Words into Healing) or in my book, "Traveling the Healing Journey". It was this incident that made me realize that I had a voice and that I needed to use that voice to speak about mental illness. My psychologist encouraged me to use my writing as a means of sharing my story and helping others. 

                  I started by sharing poetry. My third and fourth poetry books (Curative Quest and A Light Amidst the Darkness) illustrated what it is like to live with depression. I shared the darkness of my illness and the light of healing that I was experiencing. As I promoted these books I was finding my voice. In finding my voice I realized that my story and my perception of my mental illness could help others. 

                  I worked on healing with my psychologist, my psychiatrist (I finally found an amazing one), and a psychiatric nurse practitioner. With this team I learned about my depression and anxiety. I learned to focus on the aspects of healing that have been guiding my journey. I learned that I could speak about this illness that many people would rather see kept behind curtains. I learned that there was no reason for me to be ashamed of my mental illness. I understood that depression is an illness. Even though it is mental and not physical, it is still an illness. I didn’t have depression because I did something wrong or because I was a failure. 

Depression is no different than any physical illness one might develop. If we can talk about heart disease and cancer, we can talk about depression and other mental illness. Talking about it and listening to what others have experienced is how we work toward healing. When we do this, we are raising awareness. When we are open about mental illness, we make it easier to treat. So, I started talking about it. I haven’t stopped. My books and this blog are ways that I found my voice. I can talk about depression. I can encourage people to share their stories. This allows us to connect. Connections bring awareness, which leads to progress in healing.

As I began sharing my story, I discovered an organization that was helping people do what I was trying to do. I joined NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness). I have learned skills to be a better speaker. I have learned to work with peers and lead groups. I have learned where to focus my advocacy. Most importantly, I have learned that I am not alone. NAMI has shaped how I use my voice. 

As I look back and think of that awful comment made by a PA, I realize that it was a trigger. It hurt and it made me angry. However, it also taught me that I had a voice. I learned I could use my voice to prevent medical professionals and others from making hurtful comments like that. So, it was a positive trigger. I am lucky I have had a team of people around me who have encouraged me to be the voice I didn’t have earlier in my journey. With their help, I am raising my voice to bring awareness and healing to those who live with mental illness.