Living with Depression

                  My last post was short. It reflected how my mood had been affecting me. Depression is a difficult illness to live with. Sometimes the weight of depression weighs heavier than other times. Unfortunately, for the last couple of weeks that weight has been heavy on me. I try to fight through it, but sometimes depression just makes a person step away from what they may ordinarily be doing. 

                  I would like to say that I am back to my baseline mood, but I am not quite there yet. I am making progress, but I still feel some of depression’s weight. Over the years, actually decades, of living with depression I have learned that there are going to be times when I am not doing well. There will be times when I am numb to all around me. Therapy helps. The non-traditional treatments that I receive help. Unfortunately, nothing can prevent the depression from taking control when it wants to be in charge. I think that is one of the ways that we know depression is an illness. Depression can nix the efficacy of treatments meant to ease it. It is powerful. 

                  Most people with depression can tell you that there are times when the depression feels heavier than others. I was doing well and then depression reared up and drew me into its lair. I was surrounded by darkness. I had to reach out for support. Luckily, I have that support system in place. I got through the worst of it this time. 

                  One of the things that helped me was writing. I know I have discussed writing a lot. While I was struggling, I journaled a lot. I also wrote haiku poems. I find that writing this type of poem is helpful for me. I need to focus to ensure I am getting the correct syllable count for each line. That occupies my brain and pushes some of the depression-fueled thoughts into the background. While my haikus were dark, they were also a reflection of where my mind was at during this time. Getting my thoughts out on paper made them concrete, which allowed me to process them. 

                  I also created some art. I did paint pours over two vases. Art helps me calm my thoughts and center myself. The act of pouring the paint, watching the colors flow, releases some of the numbness. I like watching the paint flow down the glass. I try to imagine the depression dripping off the vase (or canvas if I am working with one). 

                  As I think about it, these strategies, writing and painting, provide me with a sense of externalization. The depression loads my brain with negative thoughts and feelings. Writing and creating art provide a place for those thoughts and feelings to go. As I visualize them leaving me, I begin the process of regaining control. It can be a slow process. Allowing the process to happen is healing. 

                  My main point in this post is that when we live with depression, we are going to have times when the depression becomes very dark and heavy, but we can get through those times. We need a plan to cope when the depression is at its worst. Having a safety plan for the bad times is a good start. I wrote an article about safety plans. It can be found on Recovery.com (Creating a Safety Plan for Times of Suicidal Crisis). Knowing who you can reach out to is important. It is also important to have coping strategies. For me those strategies include writing and creating art. 

                  I can’t stress the importance of being ready for the difficult times enough. This recent episode of heavy depression caught me off guard. It was difficult, but I engaged in my coping strategies. I reached out for support. You can do this, too. Depression wants to rule our lives. We do not have to let it.