Holding Space

                   I have often been asked how someone can help me when I am struggling or how a person can help someone living with a mental illness. This is a question I truly appreciate. It demonstrates that the person really cares and wants to help. While there are a lot of things that can be done to help a person with mental illness. Many of these things are specific to the person’s individual needs. I think there is one thing that anyone can do to help. That is to simply hold space for the individual with mental illness. 

                  What does it mean to hold space for someone? Simply put it means to offer compassionate, nonjudgemental support. This allows the person to feel safe, seen, and heard. Holding space means being with the person without trying to diagnose, fix, or control the person. It means just being present. 

                  There are many ways to hold space. One is to practice active listening. If the person wants to share what they are experiencing, give them your full attention. Don’t worry about replying. Listen to understand. Make eye contact and allow your body language to be open. It is important to demonstrate that you are really hearing them. After they have spoken, you might respond by saying something like, “That sounds very painful. I can’t imagine how difficult that must feel.” Active listening is about listening to understand and reflecting back that understanding without trying to solve anything.

                   It is important that you don’t try to fix the person when you are holding space for them. Sometimes we are not looking for solutions. We might need a friend who is just present. Try letting go of the need to fix things. Sitting together in the discomfort can be healing or at least soothing. This may be difficult because as humans we often feel like we need to have a solution for everything, but we don’t. Sometimes it is okay to just sit and feel. 

                  When holding space avoid cliches. Saying something like “things always work out” or “just think positive” often does more harm than good. Thinking positive is not going to make depression go away. Telling me that things will work out will not stop suicidal thoughts if I am having them. Instead, just be present. Listen if the person feels like talking. Maybe take a walk with them and just take in the world around you. In my personal experience knowing a person is there means more than any words that person might say. 

                  It is important to resist making judgements. Don’t tell the person that they are wrong to feel depressed. Don’t tell them that their thoughts are irrational. Avoid judgmental and stigma-filled words. Don’t tell them to think about others. The last thing you want to do is add to the emotions the person is feeling by telling them to think about how their mood or actions are affecting others. This can have the opposite effect of what you intend.

                  Be mindful of your language. Use language that is respectful and person-first.  The person is not a depressed person. They are a person with depression. A person is not schizophrenic. They are a person with schizophrenia. You might also want to learn about the person’s condition. This will help you understand them more and can allow you to be less fearful. Don’t use the knowledge you gain to try to educate them. Instead, just let it be knowledge you hold for your own understanding. 

                  You want to respect the person’s boundaries as you hold space for them. There may be things they do not want to share or talk about. Don’t force them into sharing. As an example, while I am open about my depression and anxiety, there are things that I am only comfortable sharing with my mental health team. If someone were to try to press me into sharing those things, I would likely shut down or retreat into myself. I would definitely be uncomfortable. If a person asks for space, don’t be afraid to give them space. As long as they know you care, they are likely to use that space to care for themselves or to reach out to who they need to reach out to. 

                  One last thing to remember is that your emotions matter, too. Be gentle with yourself. It is not easy to witness another person’s pain. You don’t have to fix the person who is in pain. Don’t place that pressure on yourself. Holding space for another is about being present and listening. It is not about fixing them. Be honest. It is okay to say something like, “I am here for you, but this is difficult for me.” Be aware of how you word it. Say how you feel without placing blame. 

                  I am grateful when someone holds space for me. Sometimes it is nice to just sit with someone and take in the present moment. Words are not always necessary. A person’s presence often lets me know that they care. I think most of us with mental illness know that our friends and loved ones cannot heal us. Most of us do not want to burden our friends and loved ones. We just want to feel cared for and know that it is okay for us to be ourselves, even if that self is hurting. Making an effort to hold space for a person with mental illness is an act of love. Even if we are unable to show it, we appreciate your effort.