If My Mental Health Has Made Me a Bad Friend…

                  Often, I wonder how my mental health affects others. I am aware of how it affects me and the difficulties my mental health struggles cause me. One area that I think it affects at times is my relationships with others. I do not always know the extent to which it affects others, but I do see the worried looks and I sense others thinking I am going to cancel plans again. 

                  I know my mental health struggles can cause others to worry, particularly those who are closer to me and know about my battles with suicidal ideation. When I go silent, they might wonder what I am thinking or worry that I am about to hurt myself. I realize this is putting an unfair burden on them. I wish there were not times when I go silent or shut down. Unfortunately, that is a part of mental illness for me. When my depression is bad, I retreat into myself. I shut down and shut others out. I have been doing that for years. It is not something I intend to do. I do not mean to push loved ones and friends away, but my depression forces me to push others away. It causes me to isolate. When I am depressed to this point, I do not want others to witness the pain I am feeling. While it may seem that I am pushing people away, I am really trying to protect them. I do not want them to experience me at my worst. 

                  Part of the reason I push others away when I am struggling is that it is difficult to explain what I am going through. How do I tell a friend that my brain is telling me that I would be better off dead? How do I tell a loved one that my brain is telling me that I do not have any reasons to live? Those are hurtful things to tell another person, especially someone I care about. So even though it appears that I am being a bad friend and pushing people away, I am really trying to protect my friends and loved ones. If my mental health has made me a bad friend, I am sorry. I do not mean for it to make me a bad friend.  

                  I wish my mental health did not get in the way of relationships, but it has been doing that most of my life. I have avoided potential relationships because I fear I will just end up hurting others. I spend a lot of time alone because pushing others away has become an automatic response for me. Often, I cannot even control it. Sometimes it just happens. When I sense my depression worsening, I close myself off to others. My walls go up and I hide in the darkness. 

                  Having a conversation about this with friends is difficult. It is actually much easier for me to sit here and write this than it is to speak about it. I have also pushed enough people away that I am afraid I will push the remaining few away, too.

                  My mood can also make me difficult to be around. Who wants to be around someone who is struggling with mental health? The darkness that surrounds me can be felt by others. My mood makes it difficult for me to enjoy interactions, which makes it hard to have fun with others. Oftentimes my depression causes me to be quiet and not engage. That can be hard on friendships. People do not want to be around someone who cannot engage. Believe me, I wish I could be different in these moments. I wish that depression did not take over. I am getting treatment, and I am doing better, but with some friends and loved ones, it is too late. The me they know is the depressed me, the me they do not want to be around. There will always be the thought that I will be that me again. So, they distance themselves. I cannot blame them. I just wish they knew that the me they are distancing themselves from is not the me I wish to be.

                  Depression impacts all areas of life. It can tear apart relationships. It can destroy a person’s ability to interact socially. I have experienced this firsthand. If there was a way, I could erase the damage my depression has caused, I would do it without hesitation. Unfortunately, there is no magic eraser. Depression has done its damage. Treatment will help me feel better, but it cannot undo the harm it has caused to some relationships. For my part, I guess I can only try to move forward. I can hope that the relationships I do have will become stronger and that I will make new relationships. I can hope that those whom I have pushed away, may someday find a way to forgive me for the damage my depression has caused.

                  My mental health is what it is. I live with this illness. That is what depression is for me. It is an illness. Not everyone is going to understand that. Even if they do, they may not be able to cope with it. I understand that. So, if my mental health has made me a bad friend, I am sorry. I am trying to be better. I am trying to get healthier. Maybe one day, I will be able to interact with others without depression whispering in my ear. Until then, I hope my friends and loved ones understand.