Hope Even When We Are Bent and Broken

 “I have been bent and broken, but I hope, into a better shape”. – Charles Dickens

 

                  The quote above comes from Charles Dickens’ book Great Expectations. When I first read this quote the other day, I realized it fit in with the title of my blog. The quote suggests that even when things are difficult there is hope. 

                  When I think about my depression, I recognize that it has often left me bent, and sometimes, broken. By this I mean depression leaves me struggling. It is difficult to live with a mental illness. Sometimes I feel like depression takes me to that breaking point. Depression leaves me believing I cannot overcome its effects on me. There have been times where I have been broken. Those are the times when I have struggled with suicidal thoughts. They are the times when I have wanted to give up on life. Despite all the times I have been bent and broken, I am still here. Depression has not taken my life. There is hope in my still being here.

                  The hope gives me strength. It allows me to continue living. Hope allows me to believe that I can find the good in life. I hope I have grown as a result of all the times I have been bent and broken. With each struggle, I learn a little more about myself and my illness. I have learned that there is a will to live inside of me. So, being bent and broken has bent me into a better shape. It has shown my resiliency. 

                  Living with depression is a dark place, but when hope enters our lives, we can allow the light of healing into our lives. Hope is a little word, but it is so powerful. I hear it whispered in many areas of my life. When I talk to one of my mental health providers, their words speak of hope. As I am receiving esketamine treatment, visions of hope fill my mind. In discussions with my cancer support group, the concept of hope is shared. Hope is also present when I receive infusions as part of my battle to keep the cancer at bay. This powerful little word is everywhere. 

                  There is a Latin phrase – “dum spiro, spero”. It translates to “while I breathe, I hope”. I think this is a powerful phrase. One of the members of my support group often says this phrase to remind us that there is hope in our journeys. The phrase reminds me that even in the darkest moments of depression or cancer, I still have hope. I may be bent and even broken in places, but I am breathing. So, there is hope remaining. 

                  As I bend and even break, I am emerging as better person, a stronger person. I truly believe that my journey with mental and physical illness has strengthened me. It has allowed me to see the value in life. Each moment that I am breathing there is hope that I am becoming who I am supposed to be. 

                  The purpose of this blog is to infuse depression with hope. The words I write are meant to bring healing not only to myself, but to all who read these words. As we bend, we grow. That growth might be in a different direction than we expected, but we grow, nonetheless. No one wants to bend to the point of breaking, but maybe sometimes we need to break, to start over and become who we are meant to be.