A Wave of a Depression

                  I had intended on writing about a different topic, but I am experiencing something that I thought I would share. My intent is to let others know what it is like to live with depression. 

I had been doing well the last ten days or so. I might even say at times I had been feeling good. Then this evening I felt a wave of darkness wash over me. It felt like a blanket dropping on me. The depression was back with a strength I have felt so many times before. I feel its heaviness. I was walking when it started. My steps suddenly felt heavier. I felt everything slowing. As I write this, I lack motivation. I am forcing myself to write because my goal today was to write a post. I have started and stopped writing several times. I just want to crawl into bed and escape the world. Instinctively, I know this will last until my next esketamine treatment. Luckily, that is on Wednesday. I need to trust that treatment will lift my mood. 

Not everyone experiences depression the way I do. Even for me, it comes on in different ways at different times. However, this blanketing darkness is common for me. I feel trapped under the weight of depression. It does not always drop on me this suddenly. Sometimes it creeps in slowly. I am not sure which is easier to deal with.

Depression can be sneaky. Depression can strike like an avalanche. As I said, I have experienced both. I am not sure which is worse. I guess when it is suddenly upon me it is harder to deal with in those moments. It feels like there has been an onslaught of darkness and heaviness. In contrast, when the depression sneaks in slowly I can prepare myself a little more easily. I have time to employ my strategies for dealing with the depression. Either way, depression is difficult. It is painful and numbing at the same time. Does that make sense? I am not sure I can make it make sense to someone who has never experienced it. My mind is filled with painful thoughts, but in the same moment my emotions feel frozen in time. 

When the depression comes on suddenly, it is hard to believe that I was fine just moments before. If it is difficult for me to believe, I can only imagine that it might not make sense to someone who has never experienced depression or to someone who is around me. That is one of the conflicting aspects of depression. There are times when we might be okay one moment and not okay the next. We might seem like everything is going well and it very well might be. Then like a crash of thunder, we are not okay. 

 I think one thing that I can point out to people who do not suffer from depression is that depression strikes each person in different ways. This is one of the reasons we need to be kind to others. We need to be understanding that a person’s mood can change quickly. We need to recognize that even though a person seems okay, their depression can take over without notice. It can also slowly creep in. You might notice a slow descent into the depression of a loved one or friend. They may even be able to explain what is happening. The same person can have both experiences with depression just like I do.

The reality is that depression is an illness. It grabs hold of us and we need to rely on coping strategies, therapy, medications, and treatments to help us get through the depression. We need help from professionals and support systems. The depression is not going to disappear on its own.

I finished this post the day after I started it. I am still struggling, but writing and talking to my psychologist helped. It is an example of what I mean by relying on the things that help us through depression. I do not know how long this episode will last, but I will endure. I will do my best to get through it one moment at a time.  

If you know someone who is struggling with depression, reach out, be there for them in whatever ways help them.