I Pressed On

                I read somewhere that if you rearrange the letters in the word “depression” it says, “I pressed on.” As I thought about it, I began to think about my lifelong battle with depression. It has been a struggle. Starting in my early teens, depression has dragged me down and made my life difficult. Almost 40 years after depression first reared its ugly head, I am still here. Do I struggle at times? Yes. Is depression still present in my life? Yes, but I am still here. I pressed on with living despite the painful darkness of depression. 

                  It has not been easy to press on. Many times, I have been on the verge of giving up on life. I have needed help to crawl back from the edge of suicidal thoughts. Even though the urge has been intense at times, I have not given up on life. I have fought depression with everything I have. Of course, I recognize that this fight would not have been possible without the people who have stood beside me. I have a mental health team that is always poised to lift me out of the darkness. They are always there to listen and empathize. This team provides the treatment I require to continue to my battle. I am not able to press on without them. 

                  What does it mean to press on? I think it means to make an effort even when everything around you is telling you that you can’t or that it is not worth it. Sometimes this requires wearing blinders. I needed to fake that I am okay at times. This is no easy feat. It requires lying to myself. When the depression is bad and I still need to function in the world, I must tell myself that I do not feel the darkness encompassing me. I need to wear a fake smile. Sometimes I need to put my head down and go to work or interact with others when inside I am gripped by a feeling of worthlessness. To be honest I do not know exactly how I have done this. I tell myself bills need to be paid. I tell myself no one can know how I really feel. In other words, I just press on. 

Depression is an illness. That is just a fact. I live with an illness. It is a major part of my life. Depression drags me down, but I also step on it. There is something inside of me that fights this illness. I need help from my psychiatrist, psychologist, two psychiatric nurse practitioners and a few friends/family. That seems like a lot of people, but that is what it takes to press on. I need their support and treatment. Anyone with an illness needs those.

My cancer battle has taught me to have more respect for the fact that my depression is an illness. As I fought cancer, I needed a lot of support and treatment. If it is okay to need support and treatment for cancer, then it must be okay to need those for other illnesses, including depression. 

                  I am not the same person I was when depression first inflicted me. I have grown in my understanding of my illness. Depression does not scare me the way it used to. Sure, I still get overwhelmed by it at times, but I now know I can fight it. I have support and coping strategies to guide me as I press on. 

                  Depression can tear a person down. It makes life a challenge. Depression can also teach us how to move forward. That will to move forward is born out of necessity.  I will always battle depression, but I can still press on.