I am writing to you from a moment where all is not dark. I know you will find it difficult to believe that is possible, but it is. You will experience times when the darkness lifts. I know you spend a lot of time feeling as if everything is shrouded in darkness. You often feel life is not worth living. It is difficult to engage in life and you do not want to even get out of bed. That is depression. It is a part of you, but it does not define you.
Depression has been a constant companion for so much of your life. You will get better. I promise you this. Do you remember when the depression was so constant that ending your life was a common thought? You have overcome that even though those thoughts still creep into your mind. I know the depression still wanders in and grips you. Fortunately, you have excellent mental health care. You have a team determined to help you. I know you are aware of how important this team is in your life.
On the days when the depression has released its grip on you, you are able to see that life is valuable and worth living. You realize how often depression has lied to you over the past four decades. It is really hard to understand how much depression has darkened your view of life, but deep down you know that you are not your depression.
The important thing is that you are making progress. You are winning the battle with depression. Even on the days when it does not seem that depression will ever leave you alone, there is hope. Sometimes you just need to talk to someone on your team. Other times you need esketamine treatment. Whatever it is, you have support to carry you through the darkness. Don’t get discouraged. You have this amazing support system. You need only reach out and they are there.
I want you to remember that what you feel is real and not real at the same time. It is real in the sense that you are feeling it. Depression is not in your imagination. It is as painful as you experience. But it is not real in the sense that it lies to you. When it tells you that life is not worth living or that life won’t improve, it is lying. Depression feeds off its lies. At times you feel hopeless. I get it. That feeling will return at times. It is a part of the illness that is depression.
Depression does get better. Sure, there will be ups and downs. Remember, you have an illness. You require treatment, which you thankfully have access to. You are strong. You have overcome so much. Depression has been hard on you, but you have fought back. I am proud of you for all your efforts. I know there will be times when the depression seems in control. There will be times when you need to step back and rely on your mental health team. That is okay. Keep fighting. Focus on the positives and remember that depression is not in control. Talk back to it. Trust that you will heal.
Sincerely,
Your Healing Self
Note to Readers:
While I wrote this letter to myself, if you are living with depression, this letter is to you as well. We share the diagnosis of depression. We have had similar experiences. Although, each of our experiences are also unique. My intent in sharing this letter is to remind all of us that we can fight depression. We can live meaningful lives with this illness. Sometimes we just need reminders that it gets better. If you need help, please reach out to a mental health provider, a primary care provider, or 988.
XO
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