One Day at a Time

                 When you live with a mental illness such as depression, there can be days when you feel alright and days when you struggle. I have times when I am doing well. Usually, those days are thanks to treatment with TMS or esketamine. Other days can be very difficult. Is it possible to balance these days?

                  When I am doing well or even on the days when I am doing just okay, I can recognize all that I have overcome. I am aware that I am winning my battle. It is a good feeling. During these times I have hope. I wish I could bottle this feeling and pour a little out on the bad days. During the times when the depression is darkening my world it easy to believe that the struggle is all there is. It is easy to forget about all I have accomplished in my battle with depression. I need reminders that there are better times. Fortunately, I have help. I have a support system in my mental health team who remind me that the struggles do not erase the progress I have made. When the depression takes a bad turn, I am fortunate to have these reminders. 

                  It is easy to forget about the positives. Depression darkens our world and allows the negatives to scream at us. Having a self-talk dialogue ready for these times can be helpful. The dialogue should be something positive, but not overly sappy. Something like, “I have gotten through 100% of the bad days.” I have seen this message on social media. It is a good reminder that depression hasn’t taken us. Bad days happen, but we get through them. Whether it is because we have a mental health provider who guides or because we have learned coping skills to ease us through the bad times, we have succeeded in fighting our depression. 

                  I think what it comes down to is living one day at a time. There are times when it is necessary to live one moment at a time. That is okay. We need to give ourselves grace. Just because one day or one moment isn’t going well doesn’t mean that the next will be bad. I know when you live with depression, so many moments seem unbearable. So often we feel numb and alone. It hurts. It feels like life is never going to get better. While it may be difficult, life does get better. There will be good times. It is difficult to remember those good times. It is difficult to remember what we have overcome, but it is necessary to keep these times in our memories. 

                  One way I am learning to remember that the light of healing returns even when life seems its darkest is to think of the analogy to night and day. Nighttime is dark, but in the morning the sun always rises. The same can be said for depression. Even at its darkest, the light of healing will come through at some point.

Proud to Live with Mental Illness

                  Recently, I saw a social media post from For Like Minds. It said, “I am proud to be living with mental illness.” This struck me. I immediately connected with the quote. It may sound strange to say I am proud to live with mental illness. Why would I say I am proud to have an illness? The key words are “living with”. I am not anymore proud to have a mental illness than I am to have cancer, but I am proud that I am living with my illnesses.

                  Having a mental illness is not easy. Despite what many people seem to think, depression and anxiety are illnesses. Their symptoms are debilitating at times. Other times they make life difficult. Mental illness hurts. Living with mental illness is a struggle. Despite the struggle, I am living. There have been times when my mental illness has almost taken my life. Suicidal thoughts and impulses are symptoms of my depression. Mental illness is not something that I willing choose to have. When my illness is under control, I do not want to die. However, when my mental illness takes control, it forces suicidal thoughts upon me.

                  I am proud of myself for living through my suicidal thoughts and impulses. I have fought my mental illness. Luckily, for me I have health care professionals who assist me in my battle with mental illness. They have taught me how to fight back. Some of that fight was already Inside of me. I have been fighting this illness for over 37 years. Early on I fought alone. Looking back, I would like to give my teenage self a high-five for getting through all she did. My teenage self deserves a hug. I am proud of her. 

                  I am proud of adult me, too. I live with mental illness. Some days are better than others. I treasure the times when I am in a good space. The times when TMS or esketamine are working. It is during those times that my struggle is easier. It is also during those times that I can practice the skills I need to live during the times when my illness is attacking me. I have learned to use coping skills such as journaling, self-hypnosis, self-talk, listening to music, art, and walking. These allow me to live with my mental illness. Of course, these alone are not enough. Depression and anxiety are illnesses. As such, they require treatment. I take some medication, although my other treatments are what really treat my illnesses. For me TMS and esketamine fight my depression and anxiety. They do not work alone. I must do my part. That means being consistent in going to treatment. It means believing in my treatment. I also need to be honest with my mental health team. I need to let them know how I am doing. I need to share what is going on in my mind. I need to be honest and reach out when I am having suicidal thoughts. My mental healthcare providers cannot help me unless I am honest with them. I am proud of myself for being honest with them. 

                  My battle with mental illness is just as real as my battle with cancer. The only difference is one is a mental illness, and one is a physical illness. Both are serious. Both require treatment. I need to trust my healthcare providers for both illnesses. I also need to recognize these illnesses impact each other. Having two illnesses requires me to understand how they affect each other. I have lived with mental illness most of my life. For the most part, I know what to expect with it. Cancer joined the fray a year and a half ago. I have a new battle. Living with cancer affects my mental health. It adds a layer of fear to my thoughts. Another reason I am proud of living with mental illness is that it has prepared me for my cancer battle. I have learned that I can live with an illness. I have lived with depression and anxiety. So, I know I have the strength to live with illness. That knowledge has helped me face cancer. This doesn’t mean that I am not afraid of the cancer. But I have been afraid before. I have been afraid of my mental illness, and I have managed to live. Why wouldn’t I be able to live with cancer as well?

                  So, I can proudly say I live with mental illness. I can proudly say I live with cancer. I am a fighter. Some days I am going to struggle, but my fight has taught me to be proud of myself and to keep fighting.

Letting the Light In

“There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in” ― Leonard Cohen

 

                  As I was trying to decide what I would write today, I came across this quote. I have heard it before. When I think about it, this quote is powerful. For years I have described my depression as darkness and referred to healing as the light. My description fits with this quote. When everything about life seems difficult, when we are struggling with our mental health, we need a crack to let the light of healing into our lives.

                  Even when our worlds seem to be completely dark, there is a crack somewhere. We may not always see it, but it is there. Learning to look for that crack is not easy. After a lifetime of learning about my depression and reflecting on it, I still struggle at times. It is difficult to remember that the light exists. I have learned that the crack letting the light in takes different forms. 

The crack can be a thought or a song. It might be a something someone says. Maybe it is the literal light of a sunny day. The crack can be small. It can be something unexpected. At times we must do a bit of work to find that crack. Employing a coping skill is an example of doing work to find the crack.  Engaging in one of these skills often allows me to feel better. The crack might be finding the strength to reach out to my mental health team and allowing them to guide me through whatever the depression is causing me to feel. Reaching out is the crack. My mental health team brings light through that crack.

The cracks in our depression or whatever we are struggling with is going to be different for each of us. When we find the cracks, we need to allow that light to seep into our lives. The light may be faint, but it can also be bright. Whatever form it takes, we need to embrace the light. 

The quote reminds me of an artform I have mentioned before. (Beautifully Imperfect) Kintsugi is a Japanese art of repair. When a piece of pottery or porcelain is broken the cracks are repaired with gold. In kintsugi gold is the light seeping through the brokenness, which can be viewed as a darkness.  Our cracks can be filled with “gold”, a light of healing.

As 2025 begins I am going to try to focus on the light seeping through the cracks in my depression. At times I may not see the light, but I need to remind myself that it is there. I realize that at times this will be difficult. I may need to rely on my coping strategies or my mental health team at times. That is okay. They are a part of the light. I encourage you to look for the cracks letting light into your lives.

                  

                  

Saying Goodbye to 2024 and Hello to 2025

                  As 2024 nears a close, many people are looking back over the last year. I have mixed feelings about looking back on the year. Doing so can show how far I have come, but it can also show all I didn’t achieve. My depression will latch onto what was missing in 2024.  Saying goodbye to one year and hello to the next can unleash a mixture of feelings. 

                  In 2024 I experienced ups and downs. Health concerns, both mental and physical, occupied a lot of space during the past year. Really, the past two years have been a roller coaster with my health. Entering 2023 I was struggling with my mental health. That struggle took me on an interesting ride that continued through 2024. I found myself struggling in a new way. Suicidal thoughts were hushed by the desire to fight for my life brought on by cancer. Despite finding the desire to live, depression still impacted me during the past year. At times it doesn’t make sense. I am alive. I am winning my battle with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. Shouldn’t that be enough to hush the depression? Unfortunately, it is not. Depression tries to quash the good things. It wants to ruin the wins in my life. I am blessed with a support team that keeps fighting the depression and allows me to focus on healing. 

                  During the past year I have had a few pet scans that continue to show that cancer no longer has the upper hand. The tumors are gone. As January approaches, another pet scan awaits, which makes me anxious. Scanxiety is now a part of my life. As if I didn’t deal with enough anxiety already. Scan anxiety is that part of my new normal that worries about what the next scan will tell my oncologist. It worries that the next scan will lead to more chemo. Scanxiety is a word that is not found in the dictionary but is very real to anyone living with a cancer diagnosis.  I lived with scanxiety in 2024 it will follow me into 2025. Thankfully, I have learned that I am not alone in dealing with this type of anxiety. I’ve had conversations about it with my oncologist, with my mental health team, in my cancer support group, with my aunt, and perhaps most effectively with my Dancing Queen (you know who you are). As the new year begins, I know I will face anxiety over my cancer diagnosis, but I know I have support to get me through it.

                  In October I took my dream trip to Italy. I explored the country my family once called home. The artisans in Venice, bookmakers, mask-makers, and glass blowers, gave me an appreciation for their arts. The history and art in Rome was amazing. I walked in the same small towns where my ancestors once lived. I stood at the Church altar where my great-grandparents, Pasquale Tropea and Josephina Cappello, were married. I floated in the waters of the Tyrrhenian Sea off the coast of Calabria. My worries seemed to wash away as I floated in this water. It was the trip of a lifetime and made 2024 memorable for all the right reasons.

                  New writing opportunities arose this past year. Writing is filling my life. It is not enough to make a living, but it is providing me with opportunity. My writing is reaching a greater audience. I will admit that I wish my audience would grow faster, but I remind myself that it just takes one person being impacted by something I have written to make a difference.

                  Perhaps the most important lesson I learned began in 2023 and stretched through 2024. I learned a four-letter word that impacted my life in a very positive way. HOPE. It is a simple word that carries so much power. My mental health team instilled hope in me as I was struggling with depression. My oncologist strengthened hope in me with her belief that I would win the battle with cancer. The oncology nurse navigator who taught me to dance atop cancer showed me how to make hope a part of my life. Hope is guiding me now. I do not know where it will lead me, but I am holding onto hope as I enter 2025. My hope is that healing follows me.

                  

                  

Holiday Wishes

                  I recently wrote about how the holidays are difficult for me. It is something I face every year. I don’t know if I expect it, but it is a part of this time of year for me. It is a time of gift-giving of expressing our appreciation and love for the people in our lives. I love to give gifts, but I am not so good when someone asks me what I want. A couple of weeks ago my mother asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I know giving her ideas makes things easier for her, but I honestly couldn’t think of anything. I ended up choosing something I needed for my kitchen, which considering my grandmother’s and my mother’s amazing ability in the kitchen didn’t get passed on to me, something for the kitchen is a bit of a funny choice. 

                  Maybe my inability to say what material things I want is a function of my depression. I can’t see myself being worth anything let alone something nice. I’ve already received a few amazing gifts, a Christmas music globe, a journal, planner and pen set, and watercolors. They each brought a smile to my face and joy to my heart because they were so meaningful. I feel like I’ve received all that I need. As for giving gifts, I finished the chore of wrapping gifts last night. I am the absolute worst at wrapping gifts. I will enjoy watching my niece and nephew open their gifts. For me that is the best part of the holidays. 

                  Still, I feel that there is more to holidays. Maybe the holidays are about wishes just not the material wishes. November was a time to focus on what we are grateful for, but what do we do with all that we grateful for? How do we ensure that gratefulness leads to more abundance? I think that is where holiday wishes come into play. I am grateful for the mental and physical healthcare I have received this year. My healing has been a result of some amazing people. One of my holiday wishes is for them to receive the appreciation they deserve. I also wish that their healing touch continues to heal me as well as others in need. 

                  Another holiday wish is for advances in the treatment of cancer. I have lived the hell that is stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. I wish that no one else has to go through that hell. A cure for cancer is a huge ask, but progress in that direction is realistic. It is likely that I would not be alive if it weren’t for the cancer treatment I received and the amazing oncology team that provided it. I feel the same way about my mental health. I have benefitted from advances in the treatment of depression such as TMS and esketamine. The treatment I have received and the great team that has provided everything from therapy to medication to TMS to esketamine has kept me from giving up on life. Again, my wish is for more advances in the treatment of depression and other mental illnesses as well as greater availability of mental health care. 

                  On a more personal level I wish for the health of my family and friends. It is true that I often feel isolated, but that doesn’t mean I do not care about the people in my life. I want them all to have good health as well as all that they need to make them happy and healthy. I wish for more time with family and friends. That wish is related to my mental health because if I had more time with others isolation would not build up leaving me with more depression. 

                  The fulfillment of these wishes would mean a lot to me. I’ll be realistic. They are not going to happen overnight. Still, they are my wishes this holiday season. My fights with depression and cancer have taught me to have hope. I realize that may sound strange. How do the illnesses that almost took my life teach me to have hope? I survived. Thanks to a great team of mental and physical healthcare providers I have survived. Survival has taught me that we can heal. One more holiday wish is that others find healing and experience survival.

                  What are your holiday wishes? Share in the comments.

                  

                  

We Don’t Know Everyone’s Story

                  I recently wrote about how people with depression often fake being okay. Today I would like to expand on this. When we interact with someone, we don’t always know what they are going through. The cashier scanning our groceries might be struggling to make ends meet. The barista making our coffee may have college exams to take and no time to study. The doctor who seems rushed may have a sick child of their own. The co-worker who seems frazzled may be caring for an elderly parent. We don’t know everyone’s story. 

                  Since we don’t always know another person’s story, we should try to be kind to others. Many of us carry heavy weights as we go through life. For some of us it is mental illness. Others carry physical illness daily. People might be struggling financially. They may have stressors that we know nothing about because we cannot see them. The person is just trying to get through their day. As someone who lives with mental and physical illness as well as the limited income of being on disability, I have stressors that make my life difficult. I do my best not to take my stress out on others. It leaks out at times. It would be foolish to believe I could hide everything. These stressors have given me a different perspective on those around me. I have learned that what we see is not always what lies in the background of people’s lives. 

                  What can we do with this knowledge? I think there is a rather simple thing we can do. Be kind. That’s it. Simple, isn’t it? Just be kind to others. We don’t know what the person standing next to us is carrying. It doesn’t cost anything to be kind. It doesn’t hurt us. Being kind includes being patient with others. It means seeing ourselves in the place of another person. How would we want to be treated if we were struggling or going through something difficult?

If the kid taking your order at the fast-food restaurant makes a mistake, be understanding. He may be trying to get through school and help support his/her/their family. We don’t need to snap at the kid. Tell the kid it is okay and let them have the time to get it right. It’s about being kind and understanding.

Being kind is about being gentle with others. Maybe you are sitting next to a stranger at an airport gate. That stranger looks stressed. Ask them how they are doing? Frequently we see news stories about strangers who formed a lasting relationship through a chance encounter. You might be the ear that person needs. Or maybe you are just a distraction to their harried day. Talk to others.

I’ve noticed on my walks that some people will acknowledge me with a smile or a “hello” while others look down at the sidewalk as we walk by each other. I try to always acknowledge someone I am walking by. Even if it is just a smile, I can acknowledge others. A smile doesn’t cost anything. Sometimes a smile can make a person’s day. I know I feel good when someone smiles at me on my walk.

Often, we get caught up in our worlds. We forget that others may be going through difficult things. We react before we take a moment to think about what someone else might be dealing with. This time of year is a good time to think about being kind to others. There is so much a person might be going through. Let’s remember that we don’t know everyone’s story and just try to be kind. 

 

We’re Not Failing

                  The other day I saw something on Instagram that said, “Just because you’re struggling doesn’t mean you’re failing.” This really struck me. I have been struggling recently and I can sense that feeling of failing creeping up in my mind. It has happened my whole life. Depression is difficult to live with and I go through periods in which I struggle. In these moments all the negatives jump out at me. I feel like I am not good enough. I feel like I can’t do anything. 

                  I’ve been in therapy and worked with mental health professionals enough to know that I am not failing. Still, it is difficult to remember that in the moment. One thing I’ve learned is that I need to reframe the thoughts that are telling me I am failing. This not an easy task. It takes a lot of practice. I wish I could say that I am good at reframing those negative thoughts. I know how to do it. I know I need reframe the thoughts, but it is hard. 

                  When I am struggling, the struggle is all I seem to be aware of. How can the struggle be reframed? One example is when the struggle tells me I can’t do something anymore. The struggle might tell me I can’t get out of bed because life is just too much. I can reframe this thought by telling myself, “There is a lot going through my mind right now, but I have functioned in times like these before. I can do it again.” Saying it once may not be enough. I may have to repeat it several times to get myself to listen. That’s okay. 

                  Another example is when I am trying to write a post and the voice of depression tells me no one is reading my posts and I should just give up. It tells me I can’t write well enough for others to want to read my writing. This happens more frequently than I would like to admit. At these times I need to reframe the thoughts. I need to tell myself that people have read my posts and other writings. I need to reframe the negative thoughts so that I can focus on the positives. The negative thoughts want me to feel like a failure. These thoughts want me to believe I am a failure. I need to remember the quote above. Just because I am struggling, it doesn’t mean I am not failing. I may not be where I want to be, but I am not failing.

                  Embracing the quote is not easy when depression wants me to believe the negatives. In these times I need to remember that depression will do whatever it can to tear me down. Talking back to depression by reframing thoughts is a strategy that has worked for me. It is not foolproof. There are times when I can’t do it, and I wallow in the depression. I try to remember that struggle does not equate to failure. 

                  I am sure I am not alone in this struggle. Although it usually feels like I am. That is depression talking. It is important to recognize our wins. It is important to acknowledge the things we do well and focus on the positives. It also helps if we acknowledge positives in others. By recognizing the wins in our lives and the lives of others, we are building a culture rich with positive thoughts. Those positive thoughts can lift us up in times of struggle. It is not just those of us who live with depression who face the struggle and belief we are failing. It happens to everyone. No matter how confident a person appears to be on the outside, thoughts of failure still lurk at times. Everyone struggles at times. We need to remember that struggling is not a sign of failure. We can reframe the thoughts and be successful. 

                  If you are willing, share a way that you reframe thoughts in the comment section. Or share another way you deal with thoughts that speak of failure. We can help each other by sharing how we deal with these thoughts.