Depression and Alcohol

                 Today is a special day for me. It marks 23 years of sobriety. I haven’t had a drink since May 2002. It hasn’t been easy. At times it has been very hard to remain sober. For me drinking wasn’t a social thing. Drinking was a way of self-medicating. It is how I learned to cope with depression early on. I started drinking in high school to numb the pain depression caused. If I drank enough, I wouldn’t feel the depression. Most of the time I just passed out. When I started drinking my depression was still undiagnosed. I wasn’t seeing a therapist. I was a lost high school kid. Drinking followed me in varying degrees until I was 29 years old. At that point I couldn’t hide it anymore. It was making my depression worse. I needed help. I found that help in the psychologist I started seeing In May of 2002. Dr. K helped me quit drinking. Through the years he has been there when depression has brought the urge to drink back. Even today, 23 years later, there are times when that urge creeps back. Luckily, I now have coping skills and support to get me through those times.

                  I would like to explore how depression and alcohol lead to serious issues. Alcohol is a depressant. So, while its initial effects might be to reduce anxiety or emotional pain, that effect does not last. When this effect wears off, the mood is usually worse. In my case this led to increased drinking to relieve my mood. It is not uncommon for people with depression or anxiety to try to self-medicate with alcohol.  Increased drinking worsens mood. It leads to increased feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and fatigue. Alcohol disrupts the brain’s chemical balance, which is already impaired in individuals with depression. Alcohol use and depression can reinforce each other creating a vicious cycle. Even though depression can provide a temporary easing of depressive symptoms, it almost always worsens things in the bigger picture. If drinking is involved with depression, a mental health professional needs to address both issues. 

                  Alcohol can also lead to suicidal ideation. This can be a result of a lowering of inhibitions while under the influence of alcohol. There is evidence that a number of suicide attempts involve alcohol use. Looking back, I recognize that several of my suicidal behaviors occurred while I was drinking to ease the pain of my depression. I am lucky that I managed to get through those times. I am also lucky that I have learned how alcohol negatively impacted me. 

                  How can someone address struggles with alcohol and depression. The first thing is to recognize there is an issue. This is not easy. Our minds try to deny it. We need to reach out for help. That help will look different for everyone. For me working with a psychologist was the answer I needed. If you do not have a psychologist or therapist, make an appointment with your primary care provider. Share your concerns and what you are dealing with your provider. This provider can refer you to a mental health professional who can help. Another option is to go to an AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meeting. A simple internet search can help you locate a meeting or click on the link.  You can find a sponsor at one of these meetings who can help you with the alcohol issues. If depression or other mood issues are involved, you should still seek out the assistance of therapist or psychologist. 

                  Reaching out for help is difficult. I drank for years before I reached out for help. It took me hitting really low before I reached out. To this day I am grateful I reached out. I needed a push to get me to reach out. For some reason at this point in my life I decided to listen. The coping skills I have developed as a result have saved my life. I know reaching out is difficult. It is hard to admit when we are struggling. Often, we do not want to admit when we have a problem, but we need to. Depression and alcoholism are not going to go away on their own. Professional help is necessary and effective.

                  If you feel that you are in crisis, please reach out to the 988 helpline or go to the nearest emergency room. If you have been drinking, take an Uber/Lyft or ask someone to take you. Don’t drive.

                  Depression and alcohol are a terrible mix. On their own they can destroy a life. Combined they can have devasting effects. I am one of the lucky ones. I was given the help to stop drinking, While I continue to deal with depression, I am in a much better place. I have the mental health support from an amazing team to get me through the touch times. I am proud of my 23 years of sobriety. Even though it hasn’t always been easy, I have made it this far. Again, please reach out for help if you are struggling. There is help and there is hope.

 

Art and Depression

                 I have shared a lot about how writing has carried me through my depression. Writing is my go-to coping strategy when I am struggling. It provides an outlet for all that gets trapped in my head. As much as writing helps me sometimes it is not enough. Other times I feel I need something different. It is not that writing is not working. It is more that I just need other outlets at times. I have discovered art as a secondary outlet when I am struggling. Usually when I lean into art, I find that painting soothes me. I enjoy paint pouring and painting on canvas with acrylic paint. 

I am not the most artistic person, but I enjoy the act of getting paint on the canvas.  When I am working with paint I feel a sense of calm. Paint pouring is especially soothing because I can watch the paint flow on the canvas. I like to mix different colors in my paint pours. There is something in the swirling colors as I move the canvas around that just feels healing. I also like the feel of the paint on my hands. I don’t know what it is about the feel of paint on my hands that is so soothing. It just relaxes me. 

I have mentioned before that I am being  treated with esketamine. During this treatment I experience a dissociation during which I “see” colors. Most often it is shades of purple emerging from a black background. I believe that the purple is an indication of healing. It is emerging from the darkness of my depression. I have created a few paint pours using shades of purple to represent what I experience during treatment. When I do this, it allows me to share my experience with others. I think combining my experience with depression and treatment with art is positive practice. It allows me to make my depression more concrete. 

Sometimes I see other colors emerge during treatment. I painted a mandala to represent these colors. Just painting what is in my head soothes me. One thing I like to do is combine my writing with painting. I have written poems to go with several of my paintings. This links two of my coping strategies, writing and art. Sometimes I put a poem on the painting. Other times I scan a painting and then print a poem on the back. When I combine my art and writing in this way, I can share the creations with others. I like to share my art and writing with people who are important on my journey.

Another way I like to incorporate art is by pouring paint on glass vases. Doing this creates beautiful pieces. Watching the paint drip down the vase is soothing. It is a feeling I need when I am struggling with my depression. It also helps when I am anxious. Pouring the paint and watching it flow also calms my anxiety. I am not sure I can explain how it happens. I just know it works. 

I found a quote by Winston Churchill, who battled depression, that I think captures how I feel. “Painting is a pastime, a therapy, and a life-saver for me.” Painting is healing for me just as writing is healing for me. I know that I can turn to writing and painting when I am struggling. I encourage others to try these activities. You don’t have to have the talent of the great artists. I surely don’t, but I enjoy creating art anyway. Find an artform that you enjoy. A trip to a craft store can provide a vast array of possibilities. If you are struggling with depression or anxiety, art might just provide a bit of relief.

 

 

 

Mental Health Screenings

                  In my last post I mentioned taking mental health screenings as a part of Mental Health Awareness Month. Today I would like to further discuss mental health screenings. What is a mental health screening? A mental health screening evaluates a person’s mental well-being using a standard set of questions to identify potential signs of mental health disorders. They are intended to provide for early detection. These screenings help health care providers understand a person’s mood, thinking, behavior, and memory. 

                  These screenings are usually questionnaires and can be given in a primary care provider’s office. The questionnaires include general mental health screenings, depression screenings, anxiety screenings, PTSD screenings, substance abuse screenings, and eating disorder screenings. The Patient Health Questionnaire (PHQ-9) is often used to screen for depression. Two other common screenings include the Generalized Anxiety Disorder Scale (GAD-7) and the Mood Disorder Questionnaire (MDQ). These screening tools allow the primary care provider or other provider to know if there are symptoms of a mental health disorder. When used regularly, for instance as part of a yearly physical exam, mental health concerns can be identified early. When identified early, mental health conditions often have better outcomes. 

                  These screenings are a valuable part of a yearly physical examination but should also be used if a person is exhibiting symptoms such as sadness or excessive worry. Screenings should also be used when there are major changes in personality or eating habits and if dramatic mood swings are present. A primary care provider can gain a better picture of a patient’s mental health by using one of these screenings.

                  Mental health screenings are also available online. Mental Health America offers online screening tools that an individual can take. If one of these tools indicate that you may be experiencing a mental health issue it is important that you share this information with your doctor or a therapist, who can provider further screening and evaluation. This can lead to treatment if necessary.  

When used as a part of a yearly physical it is important that the provider discuss the results with the patient. Too often providers see the results and just add it to the patient’s file. I would recommend that if you fill out a screening tool you ask the provider to review the results with you. This is important to ensure that the provider is not overlooking the screening tool. Unfortunately, I have experienced providers who overlook results. Luckily, in my case, I have mental health providers who are well aware of where my mental health is, and I don’t need to rely on a primary care provider for mental health care. But for many people the primary care provider is the only one they have who can catch any issues. So, do not be afraid to ask the provider for the results of any mental health screening you take. These tools are only useful if we review the results.

Being aware of the status of our mental health is vital to our well-being. We cannot take our mental health for granted. As with any health issue, early detection is crucial. If your primary care provider does not give you a mental health screening, ask for one. Take the initiative. Screenings make a major difference in mental health care. 

Mental Health Awareness Month 2025

                 It is Mental Health Awareness Month. The theme this year is “Turn Awareness into Action”. What a great theme! For those of you who have been reading my blog or those of you who are aware of mental health and the needs it presents it is time to take the next step. It doesn’t have to be a big step. Just a small step will make a difference. It is time to move from awareness into action.

                  Allow me to provide a little background before we discuss taking action. Mental Health Awareness Month was started by Mental Health America (MHA) in 1949. You read that correctly. 1949! That is over 75 years ago It makes me wonder why we are not in a better place with mental health. We need to do better raising awareness. In 1949 the purpose of this month was to raise awareness of mental health conditions and the importance of well-being. That continues to be the purpose.

 

                  The goals of Mental Health Awareness Month are:

1.        To reduce the stigma surrounding mental illness.

2.        Encourage open conversations about mental health.

3.        Promote mental wellness and preventive care.

4.        Educate the public on signs, symptoms, and support systems.

5.        Advocate for better access to mental health services.

 

                  So, what can we do to take action regarding mental health? Those of you reading this blog are acting by reading and increasing your knowledge about mental illness. Maybe an action step for you would be to share this blog with someone, or even multiple people. That would bring mental health awareness to others. It would also help me in my action as a mental illness blogger because it would grow this blog. Even one share by each of you reading this blog would help.

                  Maybe you can bring mental health up in a conversation. Tell others what you know or have learned about mental health. You could encourage your workplace to build mental health awareness into their structure. Mental wellness programs are vital in the workplace. Maybe you could encourage your employer to start a program. 

                  You can share personal stories or share the stories of others (with their permission) in conversations or on social media. Sharing our stories is an amazing way to raise awareness about mental health. You will be surprised at how many people can relate to your story and have stories of their own. If you don’t have a story to share, you could share a post from my blog that you found interesting or important. 

                  A simple way to raise awareness is to wear green, which is the official color of mental health awareness. Don’t forget to tell people why you are wearing green.

                  You can attend local events, webinars, or workshops. NAMI Greater Los Angeles County has its NAMI Walks this Saturday, May 10 at LA Historic Park. You could attend, raise money, or support a walker by donating to their efforts. I will be there. If you want to support my efforts, you can donate here: Gina's NAMI Walk Page. Donating can be difficult, and a lot of people have supported my efforts to raise money for another cause that is dear to me, breast cancer research. So, I am not publicizing my efforts anywhere other than here. I will be helping at the NAMI Long Beach/Whittier table. You might also find me at the NAMI Glendale table, where the chapbook we created as a part of our Writing as a Healing Tool Writers’ Group last year will be available.

                  That reminds me of another way you can get involved. Join a group or attend a workshop/class. We are doing the writers’ group again. There is still time to join this free group NAMI Glendale Writers' Group Registration.  NAMI offers great classes and programs. Check out your local NAMI chapter’s website for information. 

                  Mental health awareness involves taking care of our own mental health. Another way you can promote awareness is to take a mental health screening. It is important to be aware of your own mental health. Your primary care provider should have a screening tool available. Mental Health America offers free screening tools. You may find that your mental health could use attention. It doesn’t necessarily mean you have a mental health disorder. You might just benefit from some self-care. The more aware we are of our mental health, the better we can address our needs. Mental health awareness involves taking care of our own mental health. 

                  Advocating for policies that improve mental health services and access is another way to raise awareness. There are many advocacy needs. NAMI does important work in this area. Considering things going on in our government, advocacy is important. For instance, we need people to speak out against the cuts that are being made by the Trump administration to mental health services in K-12 public education. These cuts will prevent our young people from getting the mental health assistance they so desperately need. I hope to write a post soon to address this issue.

This month I will try to raise awareness about mental health both on my blog and in my interactions with others. I encourage you to try to do at least one thing to raise awareness. Maybe you can share that one thing in the comments section of this post. 

Thank you for reading my blog. You are helping me do my part to raise awareness and turn that awareness into action. 

Depression – A Blanket of Pain

                  Today I would like to explore a metaphor that I thought about as I was coming out of esketamine treatment today. The effects of esketamine left me thinking about the feeling of a blanket. Maybe I was cold or just looking for a little comfort. Either way I thought about how depression sometimes blankets me. At times depression can be a blanket, heavy and encompassing. This contradicts the image a blanket often conjures up for people. That image of lying on a sofa on a rainy day, curled up, warm and cozy, under a blanket. Depression is nothing like that comfortable image. At least it is not for me.

                  Depression feels like a blanket is covering me from head to toe. It is a heavy blanket, much like a weighted blanket, but without the benefits attributed to weighted blankets. Depression’s blanket is just heavy. It is a weight bearing down on me. This weight prevents me from moving much. It keeps me paralyzed in my bed. I feel like I cannot lift depression’s blanket on my own. Its heaviness traps me in the darkness. 

                  Often, I am alone with this blanket of depression. Many people are. Depression is a lonely illness. Sometimes we are wrapped in that blanket and have no one to help us push the blanket to the floor. That is when the blanket, the depression, is in control. We need someone to reach out and offer a hand to pull the blanket off us.

                  I like to think about the blanket that waits for me on my couch. It is warm and soft. I like to lie under it and read. That is what a blanket should be. It should illicit feelings of comfort. Instead, I have this image of the blanket I know so well. It is dark, of course it is dark just like depression. From an outside perspective the blanket looks harmless. But I know its plan for me. It will wrap me in the darkness, drag my mood down. I have learned to fear the blanket of depression. I know it will hurt me and I will struggle under its weight. So, I reach for the light. I find that light in my mental health team, in my treatment, and in getting involved in life. It is not easy to reach out, but it is necessary. It is the only way to strip that blanket of depression of its strength.

                  As I mentioned at the start of this post, I felt the presence of a blanket as I was emerging form the effects of esketamine today. I can never be sure what the images I “see” during esketamine mean. My mind is working on healing. It conjures up images and feelings. There are usually colors, bright colors welcoming me. Today’s blanket meant something. Maybe it means comfort is coming my way. Maybe the heaviness of depression’s blanket was floating away on one of the colorful clouds that lift me during treatment. That would mean I am healing. I thinking I am healing. There is still a long way to go, and I know there will be ups and downs. The depression will emerge and recess at its own will, but I am making strides in the right direction. The esketamine is working. Therapy is working. Conversations with my mental health team are lifting me. Grounding myself in my senses is working. The blanket of depression is losing some of its heaviness. It may be happening slowly, but it is happening. 

Depression Drains Us of Energy

                 One of the struggles with depression can be getting yourself to do things. I know I struggle with this at times. Actually, I struggle with it often. I am learning to be more patient with myself about it and thought I would share some thoughts.

                  Depression is draining. It may seem like with depression we are not doing anything. We may lie in bed all day or sit in the dark. Some people function as if it is a normal day and go through a routine. No matter how our depression manifests itself, it requires a lot of energy. Yes, lying in bed with depression is tiring. I know that may seem unrealistic or it may seem like we are resting. Unfortunately, that is not the case. Depression requires a lot of mental energy. It drains us of energy because our minds are busy fighting the depression. The thoughts depression fills our mind with are heavy and sometimes we need to battle those thoughts just to get through the day. At times we may need to battle suicidal thoughts. It is a heavy burden. 

                  Depression makes me tired, but it also prevents me from getting the rest I need to carry the burden depression creates. I may lay in bed all day and still be exhausted when evening arrives. It is not a physical tiredness, although at times my body may just not want to do anything. Depression causes a mental fatigue. This fatigue is heavy. It is draining. 

                  When we live with depression, we need to find ways to give ourselves grace. We need to recognize that our illness drains us of energy. The mental fatigue is real. It is also all-encompassing. Mental fatigue can make us physically tired. It is difficult, but we need to remind ourselves that even doing little things while depressed is a major accomplishment. We need to give ourselves credit for it. If we don’t give ourselves credit, it is not likely others will. People don’t understand our struggle. To outsiders lying in bed all day seems like rest or even being lazy. However, we know how much strength it takes to get out of that bed. 

                  Luckily for me those days of lying in bed all day fighting my depression are getting fewer. I have my mental health team and the treatment I am receiving to thank for that. It is my hope that through awareness others can get the kind of help I have been blessed with. That awareness comes from efforts of groups like NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness). My blog is an attempt to raise awareness. You can help by sharing my blog with others or by getting involved with NAMI. One way you can do this is by donating to NAMI Walks. I am raising funds through NAMI Walks. You can help me by donating here NAMI Walks Gina's Donation Page. Because so many people have donated to the other cause I have fundraised for (breast cancer research) I am not doing a lot of publicizing of this effort. Maybe next year I can raise more money, but I want to respect that people have already donated to my other efforts. However, if you would like to donate, click on my donation page link. Every little bit helps. I will be donating as much as I can. 

                  NAMI has given me hope. Through volunteering with NAMI, I have met incredible people and been given an opportunity to share my story with so many others. My involvement with NAMI has allowed me to give talks about mental health, write articles that have appeared on the NAMI Glendale website, and lead a writing as a healing tool writers' group. There is still space in this writing group if you would like to join. Just click on the link. All of this helps when depression is dragging me down and leaving me with no energy. 

                  I will leave you with this thought. If all you did today was get out of bed, I am proud of you. When you live with depression that simple act can take tremendous courage and willpower. If you didn’t get out of bed, that is okay, too. You are doing what you need to do to survive. Give yourself grace and remember that depression is an illness. There will be days when the illness takes control.  One thing I have learned is to not give up. If I spend today in bed because of my depression, tomorrow is a new chance to get out of bed. 

 

                  

A Couple Poems to Share

                  As I mentioned earlier this month, April is National Poetry Month. I had intended to post more poems this month, but my thoughts which guide my posts, took me in a different direction. So, today I will post a couple poems. 

                  Poetry is healing for me. I have been writing poetry for a long time and it still brings me healing. This morning, I received my esketamine treatment and I wrote a couple Haiku poems afterwards. Sometimes I think in poetry. That may sound weird, but it happens. Poems just start forming in my mind. Most of the time I get them written down before I lose them. Writing poems is a gift that I have been blessed with.

Let’s get to the poems. One is about cancer. I wrote it this week. It is a reflection on my cancer. It might seem strange that I refer to cancer as a gift. It is definitely not a gift in the traditional sense, but I have learned from cancer. In that sense it is a gift. The poem is titled Cancer, A Gift. 

The second poem is about living with mental illness. The title is Time Inside My Mind. It is an invitation to see into my mind and the minds of others who live with mental illness. While we are all different, we share a similar struggle, a similar pain. If others could understand what it is like to live with mental illness, perhaps there would be less stigma. 

I encourage you to really think about the poems. Take a moment to just listen to what the poems are saying. Since it is National Poetry Month, I would like to remind readers that my poetry books are available on Amazon and can be ordered in bookstores. (A Light Amidst the Darkness, Curative Quest, and Conscious Connection)

Saturday is Independent Bookstore Day. Visit an independent bookstore and maybe purchase a poetry book. My poetry books, A Light Amidst the Darkness and Curative Quest can be ordered in bookstores. Here’s a quick plug for my favorite independent bookstore, Vroman's Bookstore. Shopping at independent bookstores really helps. I know my books are available on Amazon, but that is how self-published writers need to get their books out in the world. I still love purchasing books from independent bookstores. There is something about the smell of books and walking through aisles of books. 

Back to the poetry. Here are two poems I wrote this month:

 

 

 

Cancer, A Gift

 

As I face a new day,

I see cancer fading.

The battle has been difficult,

But I have learned so much.

My cancer has taught me to appreciate life,

Taught me the value of life.

Before cancer I was just going through the motions.

Living, but not living.

Cancer tore me down,

Left me lying in bed

Fighting waves of nausea and pain.

Not knowing if I would live or die.

Healers assembled.

Some with medical degrees,

Others with supportive thoughts.

Together they lifted me through the battle

Against the war cancer wages against me

While at the same time teaching me to reach for hope,

A hope held by these healers assembled at my side.

Hope, a gift masked by the illness.

My battle with cancer has not been in vain.

I have lessons to share and

Hope to pass onto others who face this relentless illness.

Cancer may never disappear, but

The gift of hope remains.

 

 

Time Inside My Mind

 

If you could spend time inside my mind

Maybe you would understand, and

Be a little kinder.

You would hear the conversations that trouble me.

My mind tearing me down while I beg it to stop.

 

If you could spend time inside my mind

Maybe it would explain how I feel and

Help you understand that I really do not want to live this way.

I want to smile and experience joy.

The depression gripping my brain steals that experience from me.

 

If you could spend time inside my mind

Maybe you would see I have an illness.

This illness robs my mind of all I could be.

It leaves me in a world of darkness,

A world I struggle to escape.

 

If you could spend time inside my mind

Maybe you would reach out and offer a hand

A little help from you might allow me to overcome this dark illness.

Then I could live a life free from the pain I long to escape and

Just maybe conquer the depression once and for all.