Depression – A Blanket of Pain

                  Today I would like to explore a metaphor that I thought about as I was coming out of esketamine treatment today. The effects of esketamine left me thinking about the feeling of a blanket. Maybe I was cold or just looking for a little comfort. Either way I thought about how depression sometimes blankets me. At times depression can be a blanket, heavy and encompassing. This contradicts the image a blanket often conjures up for people. That image of lying on a sofa on a rainy day, curled up, warm and cozy, under a blanket. Depression is nothing like that comfortable image. At least it is not for me.

                  Depression feels like a blanket is covering me from head to toe. It is a heavy blanket, much like a weighted blanket, but without the benefits attributed to weighted blankets. Depression’s blanket is just heavy. It is a weight bearing down on me. This weight prevents me from moving much. It keeps me paralyzed in my bed. I feel like I cannot lift depression’s blanket on my own. Its heaviness traps me in the darkness. 

                  Often, I am alone with this blanket of depression. Many people are. Depression is a lonely illness. Sometimes we are wrapped in that blanket and have no one to help us push the blanket to the floor. That is when the blanket, the depression, is in control. We need someone to reach out and offer a hand to pull the blanket off us.

                  I like to think about the blanket that waits for me on my couch. It is warm and soft. I like to lie under it and read. That is what a blanket should be. It should illicit feelings of comfort. Instead, I have this image of the blanket I know so well. It is dark, of course it is dark just like depression. From an outside perspective the blanket looks harmless. But I know its plan for me. It will wrap me in the darkness, drag my mood down. I have learned to fear the blanket of depression. I know it will hurt me and I will struggle under its weight. So, I reach for the light. I find that light in my mental health team, in my treatment, and in getting involved in life. It is not easy to reach out, but it is necessary. It is the only way to strip that blanket of depression of its strength.

                  As I mentioned at the start of this post, I felt the presence of a blanket as I was emerging form the effects of esketamine today. I can never be sure what the images I “see” during esketamine mean. My mind is working on healing. It conjures up images and feelings. There are usually colors, bright colors welcoming me. Today’s blanket meant something. Maybe it means comfort is coming my way. Maybe the heaviness of depression’s blanket was floating away on one of the colorful clouds that lift me during treatment. That would mean I am healing. I thinking I am healing. There is still a long way to go, and I know there will be ups and downs. The depression will emerge and recess at its own will, but I am making strides in the right direction. The esketamine is working. Therapy is working. Conversations with my mental health team are lifting me. Grounding myself in my senses is working. The blanket of depression is losing some of its heaviness. It may be happening slowly, but it is happening. 

Depression Drains Us of Energy

                 One of the struggles with depression can be getting yourself to do things. I know I struggle with this at times. Actually, I struggle with it often. I am learning to be more patient with myself about it and thought I would share some thoughts.

                  Depression is draining. It may seem like with depression we are not doing anything. We may lie in bed all day or sit in the dark. Some people function as if it is a normal day and go through a routine. No matter how our depression manifests itself, it requires a lot of energy. Yes, lying in bed with depression is tiring. I know that may seem unrealistic or it may seem like we are resting. Unfortunately, that is not the case. Depression requires a lot of mental energy. It drains of us energy because our minds are busy fighting the depression. The thoughts depression fills our mind with are heavy and sometimes we need to battle those thoughts just to get through the day. At times we may need to battle suicidal thoughts. It is a heavy burden. 

                  Depression makes me tired, but it also prevents me from getting the rest I need to carry the burden depression creates. I may lay in bed all day and still be exhausted when evening arrives. It is not a physical tiredness, although at times my body may just not want to do anything. Depression causes a mental fatigue. This fatigue is heavy. It is draining. 

                  When we live with depression, we need to find ways to give ourselves grace. We need to recognize that our illness drains us of energy. The mental fatigue is real. It is also all-encompassing. Mental fatigue can make us physically tired. It is difficult, but we need to remind ourselves that even doing little things while depressed is a major accomplishment. We need to give ourselves credit for it. If we don’t give ourselves credit, it is not likely others will. People don’t understand our struggle. To outsiders lying in bed all day seems like rest or even being lazy. However, we know how much strength it takes to get out of that bed. 

                  Luckily for me those days of lying in bed all day fighting my depression are getting fewer. I have my mental health team and the treatment I am receiving to thank for that. It is my hope that through awareness others can get the kind of help I have been blessed with. That awareness comes from efforts of groups like NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness). My blog is an attempt to raise awareness. You can help by sharing my blog with others or by getting involved with NAMI. One way you can do this is by donating to NAMI Walks. I am raising funds through NAMI Walks. You can help me by donating here NAMI Walks Gina's Donation Page. Because so many people have donated to the other cause I have fundraised for (breast cancer research) I am not doing a lot of publicizing of this effort. Maybe next year I can raise more money, but I want to respect that people have already donated to my other efforts. However, if you would like to donate, click on my donation page link. Every little bit helps. I will be donating as much as I can. 

                  NAMI has given me hope. Through volunteering with NAMI, I have met incredible people and been given an opportunity to share my story with so many others. My involvement with NAMI has allowed me to give talks about mental health, write articles that have appeared on the NAMI Glendale website, and lead a writing as a healing tool writers' group. There is still space in this writing group if you would like to join. Just click on the link. All of this helps when depression is dragging me down and leaving me with no energy. 

                  I will leave you with this thought. If all you did today was get out of bed, I am proud of you. When you live with depression that simple act can take tremendous courage and willpower. If you didn’t get out of bed, that is okay, too. You are doing what you need to do to survive. Give yourself grace and remember that depression is an illness. There will be days when the illness takes control.  One thing I have learned is to not give up. If I spend today in bed because of my depression, tomorrow is a new chance to get out of bed. 

 

                  

A Couple Poems to Share

                  As I mentioned earlier this month, April is National Poetry Month. I had intended to post more poems this month, but my thoughts which guide my posts, took me in a different direction. So, today I will post a couple poems. 

                  Poetry is healing for me. I have been writing poetry for a long time and it still brings me healing. This morning, I received my esketamine treatment and I wrote a couple Haiku poems afterwards. Sometimes I think in poetry. That may sound weird, but it happens. Poems just start forming in my mind. Most of the time I get them written down before I lose them. Writing poems is a gift that I have been blessed with.

Let’s get to the poems. One is about cancer. I wrote it this week. It is a reflection on my cancer. It might seem strange that I refer to cancer as a gift. It is definitely not a gift in the traditional sense, but I have learned from cancer. In that sense it is a gift. The poem is titled Cancer, A Gift. 

The second poem is about living with mental illness. The title is Time Inside My Mind. It is an invitation to see into my mind and the minds of others who live with mental illness. While we are all different, we share a similar struggle, a similar pain. If others could understand what it is like to live with mental illness, perhaps there would be less stigma. 

I encourage you to really think about the poems. Take a moment to just listen to what the poems are saying. Since it is National Poetry Month, I would like to remind readers that my poetry books are available on Amazon and can be ordered in bookstores. (A Light Amidst the Darkness, Curative Quest, and Conscious Connection)

Saturday is Independent Bookstore Day. Visit an independent bookstore and maybe purchase a poetry book. My poetry books, A Light Amidst the Darkness and Curative Quest can be ordered in bookstores. Here’s a quick plug for my favorite independent bookstore, Vroman's Bookstore. Shopping at independent bookstores really helps. I know my books are available on Amazon, but that is how self-published writers need to get their books out in the world. I still love purchasing books from independent bookstores. There is something about the smell of books and walking through aisles of books. 

Back to the poetry. Here are two poems I wrote this month:

 

 

 

Cancer, A Gift

 

As I face a new day,

I see cancer fading.

The battle has been difficult,

But I have learned so much.

My cancer has taught me to appreciate life,

Taught me the value of life.

Before cancer I was just going through the motions.

Living, but not living.

Cancer tore me down,

Left me lying in bed

Fighting waves of nausea and pain.

Not knowing if I would live or die.

Healers assembled.

Some with medical degrees,

Others with supportive thoughts.

Together they lifted me through the battle

Against the war cancer wages against me

While at the same time teaching me to reach for hope,

A hope held by these healers assembled at my side.

Hope, a gift masked by the illness.

My battle with cancer has not been in vain.

I have lessons to share and

Hope to pass onto others who face this relentless illness.

Cancer may never disappear, but

The gift of hope remains.

 

 

Time Inside My Mind

 

If you could spend time inside my mind

Maybe you would understand, and

Be a little kinder.

You would hear the conversations that trouble me.

My mind tearing me down while I beg it to stop.

 

If you could spend time inside my mind

Maybe it would explain how I feel and

Help you understand that I really do not want to live this way.

I want to smile and experience joy.

The depression gripping my brain steals that experience from me.

 

If you could spend time inside my mind

Maybe you would see I have an illness.

This illness robs my mind of all I could be.

It leaves me in a world of darkness,

A world I struggle to escape.

 

If you could spend time inside my mind

Maybe you would reach out and offer a hand

A little help from you might allow me to overcome this dark illness.

Then I could live a life free from the pain I long to escape and

Just maybe conquer the depression once and for all.

 

If My Mental Health Has Made Me a Bad Friend…

                  Often, I wonder how my mental health affects others. I am aware of how it affects me and the difficulties my mental health struggles cause me. One area that I think it affects at times is my relationships with others. I do not always know the extent to which it affects others, but I do see the worried looks and I sense others thinking I am going to cancel plans again. 

                  I know my mental health struggles can cause others to worry, particularly those who are closer to me and know about my battles with suicidal ideation. When I go silent, they might wonder what I am thinking or worry that I am about to hurt myself. I realize this is putting an unfair burden on them. I wish there were not times when I go silent or shut down. Unfortunately, that is a part of mental illness for me. When my depression is bad, I retreat into myself. I shut down and shut others out. I have been doing that for years. It is not something I intend to do. I do not mean to push loved ones and friends away, but my depression forces me to push others away. It causes me to isolate. When I am depressed to this point, I do not want others to witness the pain I am feeling. While it may seem that I am pushing people away, I am really trying to protect them. I do not want them to experience me at my worst. 

                  Part of the reason I push others away when I am struggling is that it is difficult to explain what I am going through. How do I tell a friend that my brain is telling me that I would be better off dead? How do I tell a loved one that my brain is telling me that I do not have any reasons to live? Those are hurtful things to tell another person, especially someone I care about. So even though it appears that I am being a bad friend and pushing people away, I am really trying to protect my friends and loved ones. If my mental health has made me a bad friend, I am sorry. I do not mean for it to make me a bad friend.  

                  I wish my mental health did not get in the way of relationships, but it has been doing that most of my life. I have avoided potential relationships because I fear I will just end up hurting others. I spend a lot of time alone because pushing others away has become an automatic response for me. Often, I cannot even control it. Sometimes it just happens. When I sense my depression worsening, I close myself off to others. My walls go up and I hide in the darkness. 

                  Having a conversation about this with friends is difficult. It is actually much easier for me to sit here and write this than it is to speak about it. I have also pushed enough people away that I am afraid I will push the remaining few away, too.

                  My mood can also make me difficult to be around. Who wants to be around someone who is struggling with mental health? The darkness that surrounds me can be felt by others. My mood makes it difficult for me to enjoy interactions, which makes it hard to have fun with others. Oftentimes my depression causes me to be quiet and not engage. That can be hard on friendships. People do not want to be around someone who cannot engage. Believe me, I wish I could be different in these moments. I wish that depression did not take over. I am getting treatment, and I am doing better, but with some friends and loved ones, it is too late. The me they know is the depressed me, the me they do not want to be around. There will always be the thought that I will be that me again. So, they distance themselves. I cannot blame them. I just wish they knew that the me they are distancing themselves from is not the me I wish to be.

                  Depression impacts all areas of life. It can tear apart relationships. It can destroy a person’s ability to interact socially. I have experienced this firsthand. If there was a way, I could erase the damage my depression has caused, I would do it without hesitation. Unfortunately, there is no magic eraser. Depression has done its damage. Treatment will help me feel better, but it cannot undo the harm it has caused to some relationships. For my part, I guess I can only try to move forward. I can hope that the relationships I do have will become stronger and that I will make new relationships. I can hope that those whom I have pushed away, may someday find a way to forgive me for the damage my depression has caused.

                  My mental health is what it is. I live with this illness. That is what depression is for me. It is an illness. Not everyone is going to understand that. Even if they do, they may not be able to cope with it. I understand that. So, if my mental health has made me a bad friend, I am sorry. I am trying to be better. I am trying to get healthier. Maybe one day, I will be able to interact with others without depression whispering in my ear. Until then, I hope my friends and loved ones understand. 

Holding Space

                   I have often been asked how someone can help me when I am struggling or how a person can help someone living with a mental illness. This is a question I truly appreciate. It demonstrates that the person really cares and wants to help. While there are a lot of things that can be done to help a person with mental illness. Many of these things are specific to the person’s individual needs. I think there is one thing that anyone can do to help. That is to simply hold space for the individual with mental illness. 

                  What does it mean to hold space for someone? Simply put it means to offer compassionate, nonjudgemental support. This allows the person to feel safe, seen, and heard. Holding space means being with the person without trying to diagnose, fix, or control the person. It means just being present. 

                  There are many ways to hold space. One is to practice active listening. If the person wants to share what they are experiencing, give them your full attention. Don’t worry about replying. Listen to understand. Make eye contact and allow your body language to be open. It is important to demonstrate that you are really hearing them. After they have spoken, you might respond by saying something like, “That sounds very painful. I can’t imagine how difficult that must feel.” Active listening is about listening to understand and reflecting back that understanding without trying to solve anything.

                   It is important that you don’t try to fix the person when you are holding space for them. Sometimes we are not looking for solutions. We might need a friend who is just present. Try letting go of the need to fix things. Sitting together in the discomfort can be healing or at least soothing. This may be difficult because as humans we often feel like we need to have a solution for everything, but we don’t. Sometimes it is okay to just sit and feel. 

                  When holding space avoid cliches. Saying something like “things always work out” or “just think positive” often does more harm than good. Thinking positive is not going to make depression go away. Telling me that things will work out will not stop suicidal thoughts if I am having them. Instead, just be present. Listen if the person feels like talking. Maybe take a walk with them and just take in the world around you. In my personal experience knowing a person is there means more than any words that person might say. 

                  It is important to resist making judgements. Don’t tell the person that they are wrong to feel depressed. Don’t tell them that their thoughts are irrational. Avoid judgmental and stigma-filled words. Don’t tell them to think about others. The last thing you want to do is add to the emotions the person is feeling by telling them to think about how their mood or actions are affecting others. This can have the opposite effect of what you intend.

                  Be mindful of your language. Use language that is respectful and person-first.  The person is not a depressed person. They are a person with depression. A person is not schizophrenic. They are a person with schizophrenia. You might also want to learn about the person’s condition. This will help you understand them more and can allow you to be less fearful. Don’t use the knowledge you gain to try to educate them. Instead, just let it be knowledge you hold for your own understanding. 

                  You want to respect the person’s boundaries as you hold space for them. There may be things they do not want to share or talk about. Don’t force them into sharing. As an example, while I am open about my depression and anxiety, there are things that I am only comfortable sharing with my mental health team. If someone were to try to press me into sharing those things, I would likely shut down or retreat into myself. I would definitely be uncomfortable. If a person asks for space, don’t be afraid to give them space. As long as they know you care, they are likely to use that space to care for themselves or to reach out to who they need to reach out to. 

                  One last thing to remember is that your emotions matter, too. Be gentle with yourself. It is not easy to witness another person’s pain. You don’t have to fix the person who is in pain. Don’t place that pressure on yourself. Holding space for another is about being present and listening. It is not about fixing them. Be honest. It is okay to say something like, “I am here for you, but this is difficult for me.” Be aware of how you word it. Say how you feel without placing blame. 

                  I am grateful when someone holds space for me. Sometimes it is nice to just sit with someone and take in the present moment. Words are not always necessary. A person’s presence often lets me know that they care. I think most of us with mental illness know that our friends and loved ones cannot heal us. Most of us do not want to burden our friends and loved ones. We just want to feel cared for and know that it is okay for us to be ourselves, even if that self is hurting. Making an effort to hold space for a person with mental illness is an act of love. Even if we are unable to show it, we appreciate your effort. 

Mental Illness in America Today

                  Today I was sent a message on social media expressing fear that our government leaders want to send people with mental illness to another country. It was the first I had heard of this, but sadly it didn’t surprise me. I don’t know if there is actual truth to what I saw. I know what I heard and saw. Hopefully, it was just rambling. 

                  So many people do not understand depression and other mental illnesses. That fact is scary especially when some of the people who don’t understand are people who hold positions of decision-making and power in our country. I have heard talk that certain government officials want to put people with mental illness to work on farms and take away anti-depressants. A lot of it is fearmongering, but these things are being tossed out into the public. For those of us who have read history books and learned of past aggressions in the world, this is a red flag. For those of us who learned this history and live with mental illness, it is downright frightening. 

                  So, let’s take a moment to understand what mental illness is and is not.  The American Psychiatric Association (APA) defines mental illnesses as “…health conditions involving changes in emotion, thinking or behavior (or a combination of these).” Notice that the definition starts with “health conditions”. This means that mental illness is a health condition just like heart disease or cancer are health conditions.  According to the APA more than one in five adults has a mental disorder that is diagnosable. Serious mental illness impacts one in 20 adults. In addition, a substance abuse disorder can be diagnosed in one in six adults. 

Mental illness is not a choice. It is not something that people invite into their lives. Those of us with mental illness do not have an on/off switch for our symptoms. Mental illness is not something to be taken lightly or joked about. Mental illness cannot be taken lightly. It is an illness, not a choice.

                  Most of us living with mental illness continue to function in our daily lives. We work. We engage with family and friends. We are integral members of society. Many people with mental illness take medication or receive some other form of treatment. There is a government official saying that medications such as antidepressants are addicting. This person went so far as to say that antidepressants are more addicting than heroin. The fact that a government official would spew such misinformation frightens me. It is because of this fear that I am not using names.    

                  Misinformation about mental illness is dangerous. Would someone say that blood pressure medication or chemotherapy drugs are addicting? I highly doubt it. It is a lack of understanding and a lack of respect for those of us with mental illness. We don’t belong on work farms. I spent 26 years as a teacher. That is evidence that I can be vital member of the workforce despite living with a mental illness. Mental illness is just that. An illness. Mental illness needs to be treated by mental health professionals, not government officials. 

                  I chose to bring up this topic even though I had some fear about doing so because people with mental illness need a voice. If I can lend my voice to this issue, I am helping people living with an illness that often leaves us unable to speak up. Those of us with mental illness are often treated as if we are invisible. I choose to use my space here on my blog to make us visible, to give us a voice. I admit that I am scared about what could happen if certain government officials are allowed to make decisions without the guidance of mental healthcare professionals and without listening to those of us living with mental illness. I’ll end with this reminder. People with mental illness have the same rights as anyone else in this country. We deserve the same respect and care as people with other health conditions. We need to be vigilant. We need to stand up for ourselves and for those who are not able to stand up for themselves. 

                  My next post (Thursday, 4/17) will be lighter.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Gift of Poetry

                  April is National Poetry Month. For me poetry is a major part of my life and my journey with mental illness. Depression and anxiety have haunted me since I was a teenager. Fortunately, poetry has been by my side almost as long. I started writing poetry when I was around 15 years old. I didn’t know what I was doing. In the beginning I was probably just writing words on the page. I remember a teacher encouraging me to write. I don’t know if she knew she was encouraging me to release all that was trapped inside of my mind. That’s what my poetry was doing. 

                  In the years since I have written countless poems. Some of them are just for me. Others have found their way into my books and been read at open mic poetry readings. Still, others have allowed me to better communicate with my mental health team. This is one of the great things about poetry; it belongs in many places and serves many purposes. 

                  I have admired the writings of many poets including Sylvia Plath and Emily Dickinson. More recently I have been impressed by the work of young poets such as Amanda Gorman. Poets share a unique magic as they paint pictures with words. Are there any poets that resonate with you? Share in the comments.

                  For me poetry has a healing power. I find strength in releasing my thoughts and feelings in verse. The words flow out of me. They pull the depression and anxiety out of my mind. I feel the poetry and know that it is bringing me a bit of healing.

                  Sometimes I write poems for others. To me that is the most meaningful gift I can give because the poem is a piece of me. The poem is me speaking to you in a way that I may not be able to speak aloud. 

                  Today I would like to share a poem that I wrote the other day. No one has read this poem yet. Enjoy. 

                  I will share a few more poems this month to celebrate National Poetry Month.

 

A Poem Must Speak

 

A poem must speak.

Its words giving meaning to what the poet experiences.

Her emotions spill onto the page.

 

A poem must speak.

The poet forming the words trapped within her.

Sharing a piece of her life.

 

A poem must speak.

Words expressing meaning and

Allowing the reader into the poet’s inner world.

 

A poem must speak.

An interpretation of pain and joy emerge as

Words flow and emotion jumps off the page.

 

A poem must speak.

Creating a deep connection between poet and reader,

A moment of understanding.

 

As the poem speaks,

The poet breathes a sigh of relief.