Same Tree, Different Season

 “Same tree, different season. Remember, everything is temporary.” - Unknown

 

                  Our lives are composed of different seasons. As we go through life seasons change. Sometimes we are in a season of struggle. Other times we are in a season where life is bountiful. There are in between seasons, too. I saw a picture of a tree in different seasons. Despite being the same tree, it looked very different in each season. I think we are like that.

                  In winter a tree loses its leaves. Often, it is bare. The tree is just branches without green leaves. As humans our winter is when we are struggling. Our struggle may be apparent. We may appear without the vibrant life of green leaves on a tree. 

                  My winter is when I struggle with depression and anxiety. It is a time when suicidal thoughts take hold. My winter is when life becomes too much. I feel as if I am a shell of what my life is supposed to be. I am like a barren tree. It is a time that hurts. It is my winter.

                  Springtime brings green leaves to a tree. The tree is full of life. We can compare that to when we are doing well. Our spring is when the trials of mental illness are not filling our lives. We are engaged in life. Just as the leaves of a tree bring color into the world around it, we exude a sense of wellbeing.

                  For me spring emerges when my treatments are working. It is when therapy leads me into a positive frame of mind. Life can be seen in the smile on my face. The green leaves are seen in my willingness to engage in life and to live more fully. 

                  There are times in between these two extremes. These are the summer and fall of our lives. We may not be full of life, but we are engaged with life. In these times we are trees with leaves of different colors. Some of our leaves are just sprouting. Some of our leaves have fallen. Our mental health may not be the best, but we are getting by. Maybe we have some help or maybe we are employing the self-care strategies we have learned.  In summer and fall our struggles may be visible, but we are living productively with them. 

                  Seasons change. So too, does our mental health. I believe this is true of all people, not just those of us with a mental illness. All people go through seasons. There are times when we struggle, times when we flourish, and times that are a little of both. Life mirrors nature. As we live, we go through different seasons. The important part is that we remember seasons change. Our lives are not always winter. Likewise, they are not always spring. We need to remind ourselves that in depths of winter we are being prepared for the new life of spring. It may be difficult to remember that there are other seasons when we are struggling through winter. We need to hold on. Seasons pass. Our mental health unfolds like the seasons. We may need treatment and therapy to move us into spring, but we can make it. 

                  I think I will try to paint this idea of our lives mirroring the seasons. If I manage to paint something that captures what I am envisioning, I will share it in a future post. As we move through our lives, I wish all of us more springs than winters.

Do I Deserve Support?

                  A question I have often asked myself is “Do I deserve support with my mental health?” Living with mental illness is not easy and I often cannot do it alone. I need support. Is it fair for me to reach out for support? Am I too needy? The simple answer is that everyone deserves support no matter what struggles they are facing. The question then becomes can I allow myself to feel okay asking for support?

                  Even though I can understand that everyone, including me, deserves support, sometimes I start thinking I should be able to get through things on my own. The reality is at times my depression and anxiety prevent me from getting through things on my own. I need support.

                  No one would deny me support for my cancer diagnosis. The same should hold true for my mental illness. Sadly, many people are forced to face their mental illness alone whether because they believe they are not worthy of support or because they do not have access to support. How do we handle it when we do not believe we deserve support? Sometimes I reach for my journal as if it could provide actual support. I know it provides a release for my thoughts and emotions, but it does not respond. What should I do then? 

                  Fortunately, even though I do not always believe I deserve support, I have learned to reach out. I am lucky to have mental health providers I can reach out to when I am struggling. That privilege is not lost on me. I am grateful for every one of them. I know that they are going to be there when I struggle. Sometimes I feel like a burden. I feel like I should just hold on until my next appointment. Unfortunately, depression and anxiety, as well, as other mental illnesses, do not always cooperate with the wait time. I may need support at inconvenient times. This is hard. I may know I am spiraling, but I do not want to be that burden. 

                  I know that even when I do not feel worthy, I need to reach out for support. Sometimes that support is a phone call. Other times it is an email. There are times when that support comes after I have let loose all that I am struggling with during an appointment. By its very nature, mental illness requires support. Even after a lifetime of living with depression and anxiety, I am still coming to terms with needing support and whether I deserve that support. Part of that is the negativity that depression and anxiety fill my mind with so often. Depression tells me, and many others, that I am not worthy. It berates me and causes me to internalize negative thoughts. 

                  I hope that I do not burden my mental health team. I always think about it before I reach out. I question if I really should be reaching out. Sadly, sometimes the depression wins, and I do not reach out. The message I would like to leave others with is that we need to allow ourselves to believe that we deserve support even if our minds our telling us differently. So, reach out when you need support.  

Signs Depression Is Resurfacing

            I have lived with depression long enough to know it has cycles.  There are times when I am doing better, like when I am receiving esketamine treatment or transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS).  During these times I must be alert for signs that the depression is resurfacing.  It is best to act early when it does.  Even during my better times, I continue with therapy and employing my coping skills.   These allow me to stay on top of my mental health and continue to heal. 

            One way I know the depression is starting to resurface is I feel myself dragging to do things.  I feel a heaviness weigh down upon me.  The thoughts in my head turn negative and become louder.  The running dialogue in my head is negative.  I tire easily but can’t sleep.  I become easily frustrated.  Another thing I tend to do is disengage.  I back out of plans with friends.  I feel a need to be alone.  

            Often, I can tell my mental health team when I realize that depression is coming back.  When I do this, treatment gets underway quickly.  However, there are times when I go into denial.  I try to push myself through the resurfacing depression until it is too late.  I hate that I do this.  I’ve gotten better about not doing it.  Depression has taught me that it is an aggressive foe.  Sometimes it comes on too quickly for me to see the warning signs.  When that happens, I am in for a difficult episode.  I know I must rely on my mental health team when the depression gets like this.  I must remember, though, that I am a member of that team.  The treatment works best when we fight as a team.  

            If you notice any signs of depression in your life, I urge you to act quickly.  Don’t be afraid to seek help.  If you have never experienced depression before, you may want to start with your primary care provider.  He or she can screen for depression and provide you with a referral to a therapist or psychiatrist depending on your situation.  Be aware that some primary care providers are not good with mental illness.  I am lucky. Mine is great.  However, I have seen others who just do not care.  If you run into one who is not taking your needs seriously, be assertive.  Request to see someone else or demand a referral.  Depression is an illness and everyone who suffers from it deserves treatment.  

            You may not fit with the first mental health provider you see.  Do not be afraid to “shop around”.  It is important to find a therapist or psychiatrist who is a good fit for you.  Be honest with him or her about your symptoms.  I would recommend writing your symptoms and what you are feeling down so that you don’t forget anything.  

            Depression affects everyone differently.  I have shared my warning signs, but these may be different for you.  Even though we have different symptoms, it is still depression and needs to be treated. If you feel overwhelmed and can’t explain your symptoms to the provider, try giving him or her your list.  That way they know what you are experiencing and are better able to ask questions to evaluate your illness.

            Sadly, depression is an illness that often requires us to advocate for ourselves. As I have said before there is a stigma surrounding depression.  Know that depression is an illness, and you deserve treatment. There are organizations out there to help you.  One that I support and believe in is the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). They have chapters throughout the United States and offer great support and programs. I encourage you to check out NAMI. 

            Be aware of your mental health.  If something doesn’t seem right, trust your instincts, and ask a doctor.  Depression is an illness, but with the right help, it can be battled.

 

 

 

 

Returning

                 For the past two plus years I have been on medical leave from the job I had for 26 years. Cancer forced me to take the leave. I have spent the past two years dealing with cancer and aspects of my mental health. It was a difficult time. Despite the difficulties, the pain, the treatment, and all the time to allow my mind to run wild, I have overcome cancer. This horrible disease is no longer ruling my life. The time has come for me to return to the life I once led. It is time to return to normalcy and the working world. 

                  In all honesty the concept of returning to work terrifies me despite how grateful I am to be afforded this opportunity. Cancer did not beat me. I have been given a gift. There was a time when I did not think I would ever get this opportunity. The fears that arose from my cancer diagnosis haunted every aspect of my life. Those fears negatively impacted my mental health. 

                  I know I am lucky to be able to return to work. Why then am I so anxious and overwhelmed? Yesterday was a terrible day. The anxiety of it all really hit me as one thing went wrong after another. I am grateful that I had my mental health team to reach out to for support. My friend, Maria, also helped me through it. She has been the voice of reason. Maria reminds me that education is changing, and I will face many new things, some difficult, but even with the changes I can be successful if I prepare and keep an open mind. That is a message I needed to hear. Luckily, she did not tell me that when I was in crisis yesterday. She waited until I was calmer and could hear her message with a clear mind. She also let me know she will be there when I need support.

                  I wonder if teaching will be like riding a bike. Will I remember what to do when I enter the classroom? I know I will face challenges. I know things have changed. I also know that I was not happy the last time I was in the classroom. Fears that those feelings will return swirl in my mind. During my last year of teaching, the environment I was in almost broke me. I struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts. Thankfully, I have an amazing mental health team that held my hand and walked me through that time. I am in a different place mentally now. I will be at a new school with new students.  I have met the administration, and they seem enthusiastic and positive. They carry an air of support, which I did not feel at my previous school. That gives me hope for my new teaching assignment.

                  Still, cancer is in my thoughts. I know my mind is messing with me. It is causing pains that remind me of the pains I had prior to my cancer diagnosis. I know I am fine. My recent pet scan showed that there are no tumors in my body. My bloodwork has been good. The pain is just a figment of my mind taunting me. Depression and anxiety want to be noticed, and they are creating this pain in an attempt to scare me. I cannot let them win. I beat cancer. I know it may come back, but it is not back now. I need to focus on living the life I have been given. Depression and anxiety are going to talk in my head, but I know it is them. I can talk back to them.

                  One of the things I learned in my cancer journey is that I need to dance. What does that mean? It means I need to focus on the joys in life. I need to recognize that my cancer journey made me stronger. I am a survivor. If I can beat cancer, I can handle teaching. I can dance my way back into the classroom. One toe tap at a time, I can become the quality teacher I once was. The ability to teach still resides within me. I need to welcome this opportunity with joy no matter how much it scares me. Cancer taught me that I can do hard things. There is a strength within me that sometimes I forget to acknowledge. That strength has fought depression and anxiety. It has fought cancer. Each time the strength has emerged on top. I must believe that this time will be no different. I admit that I am scared. The fear of cancer’s return will always be in the back of my mind. I cannot allow that fear to prevent me from moving forward. There are students waiting for me to teach them. As I reenter the classroom, I do so with a new sense of my inner strength. I hope to pass that strength onto my students.

                  So, despite my fears and anxiety, returning to work is a positive thing. It is a gift. Teaching has been such an integral part of my life. I need to embrace this opportunity to teach again. Returning to teaching is a good thing and I welcome the opportunity.

The Value of Peer Support

                 The last few years I become aware that my illnesses, both mental and physical, need more than just professional treatment. While those treatments are important in my battles with depression, anxiety, and cancer, something was missing for a long time. I was alone. My journal was the only place I shared my thoughts and feelings. My journal was the listening ear that wasn’t paid by my health insurance. 

                  The isolation I experienced limited my healing. It kept the pains I lived with and the fears that haunted me pent up inside of me. Then I discovered that I was not alone. This revelation came thanks to NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness). When I became involved with this organization, I learned that others shared similar experiences to mine. I learned I have peers in the struggle with mental illness. This realization led to me becoming more involved with NAMI. I participated in programs and awareness activities. I have grown through my involvement. Now, I even lead groups. 

                  My experiences with peer support through NAMI made it easier for me to join a cancer support group after I was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. Once a week for the last two years, I have met with a group of people who are also facing this monster disease. As I think about all the conversations we have had over the last two years, I realize how close I have become to these people. We have supported each other and lifted each other up during the bad times. Having peers while I faced cancer has allowed me to understand my cancer better. Knowing I am not alone has reduced my fears and eased my anxiety. 

                  With both my mental illness and cancer, peer support has been a valuable part of healing and living with the illnesses. I know that without these people who have become an integral part of my life, I would not be in the place I am. I would not be doing as well as I now am. When you have peers to share the journey, you are not alone. You face struggles together. You grieve when necessary. You celebrate the victories no matter how small. 

                  Knowing peer support has made a difference in my life, I decided to learn a little about the recognized values of this form of support. I discovered seven benefits of peer support. The benefits address emotional, social, and practical needs. The benefits result from the connection with others who share similar experiences. Here are the benefits:

 

·      Emotional validation and understanding: Through shared experiences peers can offer empathy and understanding that professionals and loved ones without the illness may not be able to express. The shared experience reduces feelings of isolation and shame. It also reduces that feeling of being alone or the only one facing the illness.

·      Reduced stigma: Talking openly with peers who understand what you are going through helps to normalize the experience. As stigma is reduced, acceptance is increased.

·      Hope and empowerment: When we see others who have made progress in their illness or are managing it successfully, we find hope. Peer support also promotes a sense of agency. We see that recovery or better management of the illness is possible.

·      Social connection: Peer support groups build community and friendship. This is important when fighting illness. The social connection fostered in peer support groups can reduce feelings of loneliness.

·      Increased engagement with care: When talking with peers we can learn to trust the healthcare system. Hearing the positive experiences of others can increase our willingness to seek treatment or follow treatment plans. It can also make us aware of what we want to avoid in treatment. 

·      Personal growth and purpose: Supporting each other in a peer support group can provide a sense of self-worth and purpose. As this happens our own recovery or coping journey is reinforced. 

 

        I know I am a stronger person and better able to fight my illnesses because of the

peer support I receive through NAMI and my cancer support group. I have grown through peer support. I hope that I have offered my peers as much as I have received from them. Together we forge ahead in our illness journeys. I am grateful for these peers that I now call friends. 

                  As I prepare to return to work, I fear losing some of my connection to my peer support. These people are such an integral part of my life now. I trust I will find ways to stay connected and check in as often as work allows. My peers are just as important in my recovery as the treatments I have received. They helped me through those treatments. Peer support is a valuable part of my illness recovery and can be an important part of yours. If you are facing an illness, reach out to groups like NAMI, the Cancer Support Community, or an organization specializing in your illness. Peer support is valuable part of healing from any illness. 

Moving Forward

                 I am sitting here wondering what I will write about today. Coffee sits on the table next to my computer. My thoughts are slow today, likely a result of the esketamine treatment I just had. The slower thoughts are indication treatment is working. The anxious thoughts that often fill my mind are at peace right now. Depression is being held at bay. I do not feel the darkness. Colors, mostly purples and greens, filled my awareness as the esketamine did its work. I emerged from the dissociation calm and feeling lighter. The weight of my mental illness lifted. 

                  Over the last few decades depression and anxiety have ruled my life, but treatments like esketamine and transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS), bring relief. It took so long to reach this point. For too long I took medications that did not help. Sometimes the medications would mask things, but they never brought me healing. Medications were ineffective at best. At times they likely did more harm than good, especially when I became over-reliant on a benzo. I should not say “over-reliant”. I should call it what it was, an addiction. It was an addiction that tore me down and left me unable to function properly. Now, I have emerged from the failures of medication. I have a mental health team that understands my illness and more importantly, my needs. 

                  Today I am different than I was a few years ago. The gratitude goes to my mental health team. They pulled me out of the darkness by thinking outside the box. No more ineffective medications. Therapy and alternative treatments lead me into healing. I am able to live with my mental illness. Depression and anxiety are a part of my life, but they no longer rule it. At moments like right now, I can think clearly. I can acknowledge the positives that are a part of my life even though there are still challenges I must face. 

                  While I do not fully understand the science behind it, somehow esketamine enables my brain to function without the darkness of depression. Before treatment I set an intention. It is an intention I have been using during most treatments recently. That intention is simply three words: “Let it go”. As I am waiting to start treatment I write these words in my journal. I add some particular things I want to let go. Then I read the words a few times before the esketamine allows me to drift into a pleasant dissociation. By doing this I have given my mind the intention it needs to process during this time. My mind can work and prepare me to me to let things go. When I begin to emerge from the dissociation the words are still there, reminding me that I need to let go of all that hinders my ability to live fully. 

                  Finding the right mental health treatment is a gift. I know that I have two treatments I can rely on, esketamine and TMS, which also works for me. Treatment allows me to function. It allows me to embrace life in a new way. I recognize that I have my challenges. Mental illness will always be around. Cancer is there, lurking in the recesses of my life. Despite the presence of these illnesses, I am living. Sure, I struggle at times. That is part of life. I am moving forward. I expect some changes as I heal. Some changes will be challenging. Others will be just what I need. Being open to new treatments has allowed me to grow. I hope others read this, and if these treatments are right for them, I hope they take a chance on them. 

Hope Even When We Are Bent and Broken

 “I have been bent and broken, but I hope, into a better shape”. – Charles Dickens

 

                  The quote above comes from Charles Dickens’ book Great Expectations. When I first read this quote the other day, I realized it fit in with the title of my blog. The quote suggests that even when things are difficult there is hope. 

                  When I think about my depression, I recognize that it has often left me bent, and sometimes, broken. By this I mean depression leaves me struggling. It is difficult to live with a mental illness. Sometimes I feel like depression takes me to that breaking point. Depression leaves me believing I cannot overcome its effects on me. There have been times where I have been broken. Those are the times when I have struggled with suicidal thoughts. They are the times when I have wanted to give up on life. Despite all the times I have been bent and broken, I am still here. Depression has not taken my life. There is hope in my still being here.

                  The hope gives me strength. It allows me to continue living. Hope allows me to believe that I can find the good in life. I hope I have grown as a result of all the times I have been bent and broken. With each struggle, I learn a little more about myself and my illness. I have learned that there is a will to live inside of me. So, being bent and broken has bent me into a better shape. It has shown my resiliency. 

                  Living with depression is a dark place, but when hope enters our lives, we can allow the light of healing into our lives. Hope is a little word, but it is so powerful. I hear it whispered in many areas of my life. When I talk to one of my mental health providers, their words speak of hope. As I am receiving esketamine treatment, visions of hope fill my mind. In discussions with my cancer support group, the concept of hope is shared. Hope is also present when I receive infusions as part of my battle to keep the cancer at bay. This powerful little word is everywhere. 

                  There is a Latin phrase – “dum spiro, spero”. It translates to “while I breathe, I hope”. I think this is a powerful phrase. One of the members of my support group often says this phrase to remind us that there is hope in our journeys. The phrase reminds me that even in the darkest moments of depression or cancer, I still have hope. I may be bent and even broken in places, but I am breathing. So, there is hope remaining. 

                  As I bend and even break, I am emerging as a better person, a stronger person. I truly believe that my journey with mental and physical illness has strengthened me. It has allowed me to see the value in life. Each moment that I am breathing there is hope that I am becoming who I am supposed to be. 

                  The purpose of this blog is to infuse depression with hope. The words I write are meant to bring healing not only to myself, but to all who read these words. As we bend, we grow. That growth might be in a different direction than we expected, but we grow, nonetheless. No one wants to bend to the point of breaking, but maybe sometimes we need to break, to start over and become who we are meant to be.