Sometimes Our Brains Lie

    The other day I saw a meme that said, “Sometimes your brain can be a lying piece of sh**.”  That really resonated with me. My brain is often filled with negative messages. My depression and anxiety spur these negative messages on daily. I have come to realize that these negative messages often are not true. It is difficult to deal with them but recognizing them as untrue is an important step.

                  My brain has been lying to me most of my life. It tells me that I cannot do things. It tells me that everything is going to go wrong. My brain likes to force the idea that I am worthless on me. The truth is my brain is lying. Unfortunately, depression encourages me to believe these things. Depression grasps the negative and magnifies it, allowing my brain’s lies to drag me down. That is the power of our brains and the power of depression.

                  What if we could turn this negativity around? What if we could present the truth to the lies? Not easy tasks, but they are tasks worth trying. When our brains are lying to us the first thing we need to do is recognize the lie. We cannot stop the lie if we do not acknowledge it. Acknowledging the lie might sound like, “Okay, I know that is not true. I am not going to be led by lies” or “Stop. That is a lie.” We don’t have to say it out loud. It can be said in our heads. However, if saying it out loud helps, do it. Sometimes I find myself needing to talk back to my thoughts out loud.

                  Once we have acknowledged that a thought our brain is telling us is a lie, we need to rephrase it. Let’s say my brain is telling me that I am going to mess up a work project. After telling my brain that it is lying, I might say something like, “I have successfully completed projects like this in the past, there is no reason to believe I won’t be successful this time.” What if our brains are telling us that no one cares about us? Again, we first tell our brain to stop. Then we can point out at least one person who does care. Maybe we cannot think of a friend or family member in the moment because we really believe we are alone. I have been there. This happens. Could we tell our brain, “Well, my psychiatrist or psychologist cares”? I realize there is a rabbit hole looming there. Our brain will tell us that he or she must act like they care because they are being paid. Maybe in this instance we need to just state it as a fact. It will help gets us through the brain’s lies. I also believe that most psychiatrists and psychologists actually do care, or they wouldn’t be doing the work they do.

                  Talking back to our brain’s lies is not easy. It takes a lot of work. It is hard for people without depression. So, it makes sense that it is even harder for those of us who are faced with depression. Depression enjoys latching onto the brain’s lies. This is how it tears us down. We need to try to talk back to the lies. The more we do it, the more likely talking back will become a habit. I am not saying this will cure our depression, but I do believe that talking back to our brains is a tool we can use to help ourselves. 

                  Remember, as amazing as our brains are, there times when the brain is a lying piece of sh**.  At those times we need to take control. We need to speak back to our brains. Think of it this way, if a person spoke to someone you cared about the way our brains speak to us, would you allow it? Of course not. We cannot allow our brains to speak to us in a way we would not tolerate it speaking to those we care about. 

With Hope We See Light

“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.” – Desmond Tutu

 

                  Recently I have been thinking a lot about the concepts of darkness and light. I use these as descriptors for depression and healing. The quote above from Desmond Tutu ties up what I am referring to when I talk about the darkness and light. Hope. We need hope to pull us through the darkness and into the light. 

                  Hope can be a difficult concept. At the times in my life when the darkness has been thick and I wanted to give up, I have been lifted by hope. Often, that hope has originated in others, especially my mental health team. Each of them has taught me to have hope that the light will reemerge. They have taught me to see that the light exists despite the darkness. 

                  Depression creates a thick darkness. It can be hard to have hope when we are blanketed by this darkness. The light is there. Sometimes we cannot see it and we need help to find the light. The help we receive lets us have hope. I understand that in the darkness we feel alone. During these times it is difficult to have hope or to find others who can help us find hope. I have been trapped in that darkness. It is an awful feeling. As bad as we feel, the light is there. It may be just a speck, but if we can grasp that speck, it will expand. 

                  In the past couple of years, I have learned a lot about hope. Two years ago, I was in the depths of depression. Taking my life seemed like my only option. My mental health team provided the light. They were the hope that got me through that time. I received the treatment I needed to emerge from the darkness. Unfortunately, a new illness would cast me back into the darkness. I was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. I believed I was going to die. The first oncologist I saw did nothing to help me have hope. Luckily, I found another oncologist and a nurse who instilled hope in me. They made sure I believed I could overcome the cancer and live with it. They were lights for me. As was my aunt, who lifted me into the light by caring for me and not allowing me to give up. Together my oncologist, her nurse, and my aunt were lights in the darkness of my cancer. They taught me to have hope. 

                  Hope is vital in our lives. There will always be times of darkness. That darkness will be different for each one of us. The commonality is that in the midst of the darkness, hope can bring light into our lives. Light exists in every darkness. It is just hard to see at times. If we have hope, we will see the light. That light may be another person. It may be something subtle that only we understand. No matter how it appears, hope brings light. Hope is the key to healing. I would not be here if it were not for hope. I was guided to believe there was hope I would overcome my suicidal thoughts. I was taught to have hope in my cancer battle. With hope I am still here. I am sharing my hope so that others may find the light of healing. If we have hope, we will find the light.

 

Healing Brings Light

 Healing takes much time,

But brings with it a new light.

A light that shines bright.

 

                  As I have discussed in this blog many times, writing is healing for me. Sometimes I like to challenge myself with my writing. So, I have tried my hand at haikus. The above haiku is one I wrote the other day about healing. When I wrote it I was referring to healing from depression, but I think it applies to all types of healing.

                  I have been on a lifelong journey to find healing from depression and anxiety. It has not been easy. Healing takes effort. That can pose a problem when you live with depression and anxiety. Often, these illnesses steal my ability to exert the effort necessary to heal. Losing this ability makes it difficult to heal. I want to heal, but the depression tells me not to get out of bed. At times it tells me that it is not worth fighting for healing. Depression is a darkness with a loud voice. As depression tells me I cannot heal, it shrouds me in darkness. This darkness makes it impossible for me to heal on my own. Coping strategies are rendered useless as I sink further into the darkness. 

I need to reach out for help. I have found that help in therapy, work with my psychiatrist, TMS, and esketamine. These take time to work. Each requires me to tell the darkness that I want to heal. The effort required to engage in these treatments is difficult to summon, but I know I must try. I understand that healing takes time. Depression is not going to go away overnight. It has been a part of my life for too long. I trust that the treatments will bring me into the light of healing. That light will be bright. It will comfort me and provide hope. 

One thing I learned is that depression will always be a part of my life. It is just the way my brain is wired. Despite this I can experience times of light. This healing will last for different amounts of time. When the depression seeps back in, I need to remind myself that I have seen the light of healing. I need to remember that healing is possible. It has shined before and will again. I may need help remembering, but I have a mental health team who will remind me. 

What if you don’t have a mental health provider? How can you find help remembering that light exists? Maybe you can write reminders on a Post-it note and place in a place where you will see it each day. You can keep a journal and return to the where you have written during times of healing. Another strategy might be to ask a friend or family member to remind you when they see you slipping. You can join a support group through a mental health program. NAMI offers the Connections group to allow people living with mental illness to support each other in a safe environment. 

One of the things to remember is that the work doesn’t stop when the darkness of depression or other mental illnesses lifts. We must maintain the work when we are in times of healing. This will lay the groundwork for help when the darkness returns. In essence we are building a safety net with this work. It will allow us to return to the light when we are faced with darkness. 

I know I write a lot about darkness and light. These images allow me to understand my depression. It makes sense to me. I feel the darkness of depression and I have experienced the light of healing. I hope that others suffering from mental illness find hope in my description. We all have our own understanding of our mental illness. For me darkness and light describe depression and healing. I encourage others to find the image that works for them. If my image works for you, please use it. We all need to find whatever helps us heal. 

                  

One Day at a Time

                 When you live with a mental illness such as depression, there can be days when you feel alright and days when you struggle. I have times when I am doing well. Usually, those days are thanks to treatment with TMS or esketamine. Other days can be very difficult. Is it possible to balance these days?

                  When I am doing well or even on the days when I am doing just okay, I can recognize all that I have overcome. I am aware that I am winning my battle. It is a good feeling. During these times I have hope. I wish I could bottle this feeling and pour a little out on the bad days. During the times when the depression is darkening my world it easy to believe that the struggle is all there is. It is easy to forget about all I have accomplished in my battle with depression. I need reminders that there are better times. Fortunately, I have help. I have a support system in my mental health team who remind me that the struggles do not erase the progress I have made. When the depression takes a bad turn, I am fortunate to have these reminders. 

                  It is easy to forget about the positives. Depression darkens our world and allows the negatives to scream at us. Having a self-talk dialogue ready for these times can be helpful. The dialogue should be something positive, but not overly sappy. Something like, “I have gotten through 100% of the bad days.” I have seen this message on social media. It is a good reminder that depression hasn’t taken us. Bad days happen, but we get through them. Whether it is because we have a mental health provider who guides or because we have learned coping skills to ease us through the bad times, we have succeeded in fighting our depression. 

                  I think what it comes down to is living one day at a time. There are times when it is necessary to live one moment at a time. That is okay. We need to give ourselves grace. Just because one day or one moment isn’t going well doesn’t mean that the next will be bad. I know when you live with depression, so many moments seem unbearable. So often we feel numb and alone. It hurts. It feels like life is never going to get better. While it may be difficult, life does get better. There will be good times. It is difficult to remember those good times. It is difficult to remember what we have overcome, but it is necessary to keep these times in our memories. 

                  One way I am learning to remember that the light of healing returns even when life seems its darkest is to think of the analogy to night and day. Nighttime is dark, but in the morning the sun always rises. The same can be said for depression. Even at its darkest, the light of healing will come through at some point.

Proud to Live with Mental Illness

                  Recently, I saw a social media post from For Like Minds. It said, “I am proud to be living with mental illness.” This struck me. I immediately connected with the quote. It may sound strange to say I am proud to live with mental illness. Why would I say I am proud to have an illness? The key words are “living with”. I am not anymore proud to have a mental illness than I am to have cancer, but I am proud that I am living with my illnesses.

                  Having a mental illness is not easy. Despite what many people seem to think, depression and anxiety are illnesses. Their symptoms are debilitating at times. Other times they make life difficult. Mental illness hurts. Living with mental illness is a struggle. Despite the struggle, I am living. There have been times when my mental illness has almost taken my life. Suicidal thoughts and impulses are symptoms of my depression. Mental illness is not something that I willing choose to have. When my illness is under control, I do not want to die. However, when my mental illness takes control, it forces suicidal thoughts upon me.

                  I am proud of myself for living through my suicidal thoughts and impulses. I have fought my mental illness. Luckily, for me I have health care professionals who assist me in my battle with mental illness. They have taught me how to fight back. Some of that fight was already Inside of me. I have been fighting this illness for over 37 years. Early on I fought alone. Looking back, I would like to give my teenage self a high-five for getting through all she did. My teenage self deserves a hug. I am proud of her. 

                  I am proud of adult me, too. I live with mental illness. Some days are better than others. I treasure the times when I am in a good space. The times when TMS or esketamine are working. It is during those times that my struggle is easier. It is also during those times that I can practice the skills I need to live during the times when my illness is attacking me. I have learned to use coping skills such as journaling, self-hypnosis, self-talk, listening to music, art, and walking. These allow me to live with my mental illness. Of course, these alone are not enough. Depression and anxiety are illnesses. As such, they require treatment. I take some medication, although my other treatments are what really treat my illnesses. For me TMS and esketamine fight my depression and anxiety. They do not work alone. I must do my part. That means being consistent in going to treatment. It means believing in my treatment. I also need to be honest with my mental health team. I need to let them know how I am doing. I need to share what is going on in my mind. I need to be honest and reach out when I am having suicidal thoughts. My mental healthcare providers cannot help me unless I am honest with them. I am proud of myself for being honest with them. 

                  My battle with mental illness is just as real as my battle with cancer. The only difference is one is a mental illness, and one is a physical illness. Both are serious. Both require treatment. I need to trust my healthcare providers for both illnesses. I also need to recognize these illnesses impact each other. Having two illnesses requires me to understand how they affect each other. I have lived with mental illness most of my life. For the most part, I know what to expect with it. Cancer joined the fray a year and a half ago. I have a new battle. Living with cancer affects my mental health. It adds a layer of fear to my thoughts. Another reason I am proud of living with mental illness is that it has prepared me for my cancer battle. I have learned that I can live with an illness. I have lived with depression and anxiety. So, I know I have the strength to live with illness. That knowledge has helped me face cancer. This doesn’t mean that I am not afraid of the cancer. But I have been afraid before. I have been afraid of my mental illness, and I have managed to live. Why wouldn’t I be able to live with cancer as well?

                  So, I can proudly say I live with mental illness. I can proudly say I live with cancer. I am a fighter. Some days I am going to struggle, but my fight has taught me to be proud of myself and to keep fighting.

Letting the Light In

“There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in” ― Leonard Cohen

 

                  As I was trying to decide what I would write today, I came across this quote. I have heard it before. When I think about it, this quote is powerful. For years I have described my depression as darkness and referred to healing as the light. My description fits with this quote. When everything about life seems difficult, when we are struggling with our mental health, we need a crack to let the light of healing into our lives.

                  Even when our worlds seem to be completely dark, there is a crack somewhere. We may not always see it, but it is there. Learning to look for that crack is not easy. After a lifetime of learning about my depression and reflecting on it, I still struggle at times. It is difficult to remember that the light exists. I have learned that the crack letting the light in takes different forms. 

The crack can be a thought or a song. It might be a something someone says. Maybe it is the literal light of a sunny day. The crack can be small. It can be something unexpected. At times we must do a bit of work to find that crack. Employing a coping skill is an example of doing work to find the crack.  Engaging in one of these skills often allows me to feel better. The crack might be finding the strength to reach out to my mental health team and allowing them to guide me through whatever the depression is causing me to feel. Reaching out is the crack. My mental health team brings light through that crack.

The cracks in our depression or whatever we are struggling with is going to be different for each of us. When we find the cracks, we need to allow that light to seep into our lives. The light may be faint, but it can also be bright. Whatever form it takes, we need to embrace the light. 

The quote reminds me of an artform I have mentioned before. (Beautifully Imperfect) Kintsugi is a Japanese art of repair. When a piece of pottery or porcelain is broken the cracks are repaired with gold. In kintsugi gold is the light seeping through the brokenness, which can be viewed as a darkness.  Our cracks can be filled with “gold”, a light of healing.

As 2025 begins I am going to try to focus on the light seeping through the cracks in my depression. At times I may not see the light, but I need to remind myself that it is there. I realize that at times this will be difficult. I may need to rely on my coping strategies or my mental health team at times. That is okay. They are a part of the light. I encourage you to look for the cracks letting light into your lives.

                  

                  

Saying Goodbye to 2024 and Hello to 2025

                  As 2024 nears a close, many people are looking back over the last year. I have mixed feelings about looking back on the year. Doing so can show how far I have come, but it can also show all I didn’t achieve. My depression will latch onto what was missing in 2024.  Saying goodbye to one year and hello to the next can unleash a mixture of feelings. 

                  In 2024 I experienced ups and downs. Health concerns, both mental and physical, occupied a lot of space during the past year. Really, the past two years have been a roller coaster with my health. Entering 2023 I was struggling with my mental health. That struggle took me on an interesting ride that continued through 2024. I found myself struggling in a new way. Suicidal thoughts were hushed by the desire to fight for my life brought on by cancer. Despite finding the desire to live, depression still impacted me during the past year. At times it doesn’t make sense. I am alive. I am winning my battle with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. Shouldn’t that be enough to hush the depression? Unfortunately, it is not. Depression tries to quash the good things. It wants to ruin the wins in my life. I am blessed with a support team that keeps fighting the depression and allows me to focus on healing. 

                  During the past year I have had a few pet scans that continue to show that cancer no longer has the upper hand. The tumors are gone. As January approaches, another pet scan awaits, which makes me anxious. Scanxiety is now a part of my life. As if I didn’t deal with enough anxiety already. Scan anxiety is that part of my new normal that worries about what the next scan will tell my oncologist. It worries that the next scan will lead to more chemo. Scanxiety is a word that is not found in the dictionary but is very real to anyone living with a cancer diagnosis.  I lived with scanxiety in 2024 it will follow me into 2025. Thankfully, I have learned that I am not alone in dealing with this type of anxiety. I’ve had conversations about it with my oncologist, with my mental health team, in my cancer support group, with my aunt, and perhaps most effectively with my Dancing Queen (you know who you are). As the new year begins, I know I will face anxiety over my cancer diagnosis, but I know I have support to get me through it.

                  In October I took my dream trip to Italy. I explored the country my family once called home. The artisans in Venice, bookmakers, mask-makers, and glass blowers, gave me an appreciation for their arts. The history and art in Rome was amazing. I walked in the same small towns where my ancestors once lived. I stood at the Church altar where my great-grandparents, Pasquale Tropea and Josephina Cappello, were married. I floated in the waters of the Tyrrhenian Sea off the coast of Calabria. My worries seemed to wash away as I floated in this water. It was the trip of a lifetime and made 2024 memorable for all the right reasons.

                  New writing opportunities arose this past year. Writing is filling my life. It is not enough to make a living, but it is providing me with opportunity. My writing is reaching a greater audience. I will admit that I wish my audience would grow faster, but I remind myself that it just takes one person being impacted by something I have written to make a difference.

                  Perhaps the most important lesson I learned began in 2023 and stretched through 2024. I learned a four-letter word that impacted my life in a very positive way. HOPE. It is a simple word that carries so much power. My mental health team instilled hope in me as I was struggling with depression. My oncologist strengthened hope in me with her belief that I would win the battle with cancer. The oncology nurse navigator who taught me to dance atop cancer showed me how to make hope a part of my life. Hope is guiding me now. I do not know where it will lead me, but I am holding onto hope as I enter 2025. My hope is that healing follows me.