Different Perspectives on Depression

                  Having lived with depression for over three decades, I have come to realize that there are different ways to view my depression. My most common view is that it is a terrible, unwanted illness. I think that is probably a perspective that I share with many people who suffer from depression. It is fair to say that depression causes pain and leaves us with a hopelessness that can prevent us from living our best lives.

                  Is there more to living with depression? Do I ever view it from a different perspective? Asking these questions makes wonder if there is a positive side to depression. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying that depression can be a good thing or that I am glad I suffer from this illness. I’ll be the first to say depression sucks. Despite this I think depression has given me some gifts.

                  Depression has taught me to be reflective. The negative thoughts that fill my mind need to be explored for me to understand them. I can’t cope with thoughts I don’t understand. My psychologist has provided guidance here. He has led me through reflective processes that allow me to talk back to my depression and to recognize when depression is in control. As a result, I have learned to be reflective. I don’t think I would possess these reflective skills if I didn’t struggle with depression.

                  Compassion is another outgrowth from my depression. This compassion shows itself in how I interact with others who live with mental illness. I can relate to others who live with this illness. My compassion played a role in my career as a special education teacher. I was usually able to recognize when a student was struggling with their mental health. I could relate to students who expressed suicidal ideation and provide support that led to getting them the help they needed. My memories of being in high school and contemplating suicide, gave me a perspective that allowed me to connect with students who were struggling in a similar way. 

                  My self-reflection skills and my compassion allow me to connect with others when I share my story. I am able to say, “I get it” when others share their story. The connection created allows me to help others see that we can live with mental illness.  It is not something we need to hide. I can share that there is no shame in mental illness when I am able to connect with others.

                  As I write this, I am contemplating depression in my life. It is a weight that I wish I didn’t have to bear. Depression has haunted me for most of my life. It is a stretch to say that I have received gifts from depression, but I have received something. I am just not sure what to call it. I am glad that I have the ability to be reflective. This skill allows me to share my story and relate to others who suffer from mental illness. My ability to reflect allows me to write this blog and has helped me write the poetry and books I have written. I hope I have helped others through my reflective abilities.

                  As for compassion, that is an important trait for all of us to have. At times I think we have lost some compassion in this country. We need to be able to care for and understand others. My suffering with depression allows me to understand others who suffer. I’m not going to say that makes my suffering worth it, but it at least gives it some meaning. 

                  Depression affects each of us differently. My perspective on it changes depending on how it is affecting me in a given moment. I am by no means glad I live with depression. I wish it would go away. However, if I have to live with it, I am grateful that it is has provided me with self-reflection and compassion and I hope that I use those for the betterment of others.

                  

Gratitude in the Face of Depression

                  November is a time when we focus on gratitude. We should be grateful all year long, but with Thanksgiving being this month our attention is drawn to gratitude. As someone who lives with the darkness of depression, I sometimes find it difficult to focus on what I am grateful for in life. Despite this, I try to show my gratitude.

                  Depression creates an inner struggle, at least it does for me. My mind focuses on the darkness, on what I struggle with, and on what I am missing out on because of my depression. I often feel like things won’t get better or that it is not worth trying to find happiness. At times these thoughts turn suicidal, which is the ultimate darkness. Depression creates a lack of hope. How can I be grateful when my mind focuses on all that I am struggling with? 

                  I have thought a lot about this recently. Despite my depression I have a lot to be grateful for in life. I’ll save that list for another post on Thanksgiving Day. But I do have a lot to be grateful for and it is important that I train my mind to think about those things. This requires me to tell my depression to shut up.  Not an easy task. Depression has been chanting in my head for over 35 years. It has taken up residency as if it owns my head. Luckily, I have learned that I have a right to talk back to depression’s voice. When it tells me life isn’t worth living, I tell myself all that I have to live for. This isn’t always easy. I still struggle with it, but I am getting better at talking back. 

                  Focusing on what I am grateful for takes a lot of work because depression has taught my brain to believe in all the negative. Depression wants me to believe that I won’t defeat it, that I won’t beat cancer, that I have no reason to live. All these things are lies that depression feeds off. If I focus my attention on the opposite of these lies, I find that I am grateful. I have a mental health team and a physical health team that lift me up and bring me healing. How can I not be grateful when I recognize how much these individuals have done for me? 

                  I heard about a suicide yesterday. It made me pause and think. Depression has taken me to that edge on several occasions. I have walked, or crawled, back each time. Depression hasn’t won. I am alive. How can I not be grateful? Depression hasn’t defeated me. It is definitely a fight. Depression is a strong a*hole. Maybe I am stronger. Maybe I have learned to use the tools I have learned to fight back. I am grateful I have been able to fight depression for so long. Would I rather not have to fight? Of course. That is obvious, but if I must fight, I am grateful that I continue to win.

                  I’ll be creating a list of all I am grateful for between now and Thanksgiving Day. At the top of that list is being grateful that I am alive. Depression and another a**, cancer haven’t taken my life away from me. I choose to be grateful for the life I have. 

 

 

 

 

Stigmatizing Words

                   I remember hearing the old saying, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” as a kid. As I reflect on it, this saying could not be further from the truth. Words do hurt. As a person with a mental illness, it hurts when I hear references to mental illness used as adjectives, slang, or derogatory statements. These words should not be used in this manner. 

                  I think I’ve written about this before, but it is worth repeating. I am not crazy because I have a mental illness. Depression is real. It is not something to be taken lightly. I struggle with my illness at times. It hurts to hear people use illnesses like mine so casually. 

For example, no one should be saying that they are depressed that their football team lost this weekend. A person can be sad or disappointed that their team lost, but depressed is not the word to use. Depression hurts. Depression is combination of symptoms that go much deeper than losing a sporting event. I was a basketball coach. Believe me, I was never depressed over a loss. Was I disappointed over losses? More times than I’d like to remember, but I was never depressed over a loss. 

                  Mental illnesses are comprised of much more than people think. For example, anxiety is much more than being nervous. For me, anxiety is a combination of mental and physical symptoms. When I am anxious my mind is filled with thoughts that just won’t stop. My chest hurts. I shake. I feel like everything is closing in on me. It is an intense feeling. Anxiety is not a casual nervousness. As such, it should not be used to describe how you feel in the closing moments of a sporting event. A person can feel anxiety without having an anxiety disorder, but it is still an intense feeling.

                  Another mental illness that is all too frequently used as an adjective is OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder). A person is not OCD. A person does not have OCD just because they like things clean. How often do we hear it used that way? Too often. People with OCD have crippling thoughts. They have rituals that they need to engage in to feel okay. This term should never be used as an adjective for neatness.

                  What about the word “crazy”? This word is tossed around without thought. A person with a mental illness is not crazy and should never be described as such. A word I’ve heard used frequently is delusional. Again, this is not a word that should be tossed around. A delusion is a psychological term. It is not a way to describe a person who is speaking in a way you do not like. People who suffer from delusions do not chose to have the delusions. It is a symptom of their illness. We should not be using the word casually. 

                  In all honesty, I think society is getting a little better at being aware of how these terms are being used. Unfortunately, getting a little better is not enough. Mental illness is real. Mental illness is an illness. That means depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, eating disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and more are all illnesses. We should be sensitive in how we talk about these illnesses. 

                  I have both a mental and a physical illness. My physical illness has never been the butt of jokes or used as an adjective. My mental illness has. It hurts. When I hear these words tossed around negatively, it makes me want to hide my mental illness. I feel a sense of embarrassment. I shouldn’t have to feel that way. It leaves me asking myself why my mental illness is treated so differently from my physical illness.

                  One of the major impacts of using mental health terms negatively is that it creates a stigma that prevents many people from getting treatment. There are many people who don’t reach out for help because of a fear of being ridiculed. That shouldn’t be happening today. There is a lot of knowledge out there about mental illnesses. They should be taken seriously and not used as sources of ridicule. Stigma hurts. Stigma prevents treatment. Stigma leads to a worsening of mental illness. Ending stigma starts with the words we chose. It starts with how we chose to speak about these illnesses. It is not easy, but I have learned to speak up when I hear a mental illness being used incorrectly. It is hard and people often just don’t get it. I am going to keep speaking up. I hope others will join me. 

                  

Reaching Out

Today I would like to share a poem. I hope everyone reading this will consider the importance of reaching out. There are times in each of our lives, no matter who we are, when we need to reach out. It may because of depression or other mental illness. It may be a physical illness. It may be due to a family or relationship issue. It may be something you are struggling with.  It may just be a part of life. There are as many reasons to reach out for help as there are people in this world. I encourage everyone to reach out for help when you need it. Even if you feel like you should be able to get through it on your own, reach out. There is no shame in reaching out. It makes us stronger. We are not meant to live in isolation. So, please reach out whenever you need to.

 

 

Reaching Out

 

Reaching out for help

When the darkness becomes overwhelming

Is not an easy task.

It requires strength when we feel so weak.

We often think we cannot reach out.

We fear we will be rejected.

Afraid others will not understand.

Unsure of who to seek out.

One word is all it takes, or even

A simple phrase,

“I need help”.

 

The darkness is real.

Depression lies to us,

Makes us believe the darkness is all there is,

But that is a lie.

We may not see the light, but

The light is there.

Waiting to embrace us.

Welcoming us into healing.

While it is not easy,

We must reach out.

 

One hand emerges from the darkness.

Reaches out to you.

Grabs hold and strengthens you.

Extend your hand and hold on.

Accepting help is okay.

Reaching out should be our norm.

Others have been there.

We are not alone.

 

Planning to Ease Depression

                One thing that I have struggled with throughout my battle with depression is planning my days to ease the depression. Often, I wake up and find that depression creates a desire to run away from the day. It frequently makes me want to pull the blanket over my head and hide. I think many people who live with depression have similar experiences. Learning to cope with this has taken a lifetime of trial and error. I’ve done well at some points in my life and struggled at other points. 

                  Work can provide a distraction. For some people this is a positive. There were times when it was a positive for me. Unfortunately, it was often not a positive for me. At best it was a masking of my symptoms. That created a worsening of my depression that made life more difficult. Now, I am not able to work because of my cancer diagnosis. I am no longer able to mask my depression. I need to face it. I’ve been thinking a lot about how I do that now. I think it comes down to having a purpose to my days. I need to have a reason to get out of bed. I need to have a reason to tell the depression that it is not going to drag me down. Goal setting has helped with this. I’m not talking about formal goal setting. While that is important, too, I am just talking about giving myself a purpose for the day. It is more like a daily plan. 

                  The way I do this is before I go to bed at night, I think about what I need to do the next day and what I want to do. Often, my depression will tell me that I don’t want to do anything. In those moments I need to use my voice to talk back to my depression. I tell it that I must do something. I find that if I write down what I am going to do, I am more likely to do those things. I incorporate a couple different ways of doing this. There is the calendar on my phone. I keep appointments there. I include medical and personal appointments on my calendar. It gives those activities a concreteness and makes them seem more necessary. I also write things that I plan to do in the notes app on my phone. I include my writing time and trips to the grocery store or gas station in my notes. I also include things like household chores. I know that if I see it in writing the next day, I am more likely to do it. I also include things such as going for a walk. I am more likely to do it if I see it on my daily list. Having these things written down allows me to “show my depression that I have things to do.” For me it is important that I check off things as I do them. That allows me to look back at my day in the evening and see that I have accomplished something. I can say to my depression, “Look, I did something today even though I didn’t want me to.”

                  Some days I do better than others at keeping myself occupied. It is not a flawless process. Depression is a powerful illness and there are days when it overtakes me. It can prevent me from following my plan. When that happens, I try not to be too hard on myself. I try to remind myself that I am battling an illness, and I am not going to win every day. The important thing is that I try. It is also important to remember that planning alone is not enough. The treatment of depression requires therapy, medication, and other treatments. I have lived with depression most of my life. I know that just writing down a plan is not enough. However, it is a practice that plays a useful role when combined with following my treatment plan. 

In Thursday’s post I talked about getting the most out of therapy by doing the work necessary to make it successful. Planning our days is part of that work. There is no magical fix for depression and other mental illnesses. Therapy, medication, and non-traditional treatments are important, but they do not work in isolation. We must put in the work to heal. Planning my days is one way I put in the work I need to do. 

                  

Making the Most Out of the Therapy Experience

                  Fortunately, people are more willing to go to therapy today than in the past. Therapy is an important aspect of treatment for mental health disorders. I am not a therapist, but I have spent my adult life in therapy to help me cope with major depression and anxiety. While that doesn’t mean I know everything about therapy, I think it gives me some perspective on how therapy works, how it is beneficial, and how patients need to do their part. Today I would like to talk about making the most out of the therapy experience.

                  I first saw a therapist when I was in college many years ago. It was the start of a healing process for me. In my twenties I went a few years without therapy. Those were very hard years. I found my way back to therapy when I was 29 because of a significant worsening in my depression. It was the most important thing I could have done.  I am lucky, I have been with the same therapist, a psychologist who understands me and supports me, since then. 

                  It’s hard to think back that far and remember the details. I know that one of the first things he helped me was to quit drinking. As a teenager I learned to self-medicate my depression with alcohol. It was not helpful, but it is how I coped for about 15 years. Dr. K, my psychologist, guided me through the stages of becoming sober, while also addressing my depression, which had become intense. I am proud to say that with his help I am 22+ years sober. 

                  I learned early on that I had to do my share of the work. Healing takes place through the interaction between patient and therapist. We’ve talked a lot over the years as my depression has ebbed and flowed. I lean on him to make sense of a lot of what I am feeling. What helps is how he reflects my words back to me. This enables me to play an active role in my therapy experience. One way I have worked on this is through journaling. I write in my journal after appointments. It helps me remember his advice and allows me to delve further into our conversations. Writing helps me process my world. So, it makes sense that I would write after therapy appointments. Sometimes I share what I have written with him. Doing so provides affirmation of what I am thinking. 

                  It is important to do the work necessary to process what you talk about with your therapist. I do that by writing. There are other ways to engage in this process. Meditation might be a way some people process their sessions. Something as simple as going for a walk and thinking about your conversation can help. The important thing is to hold onto what you work on in therapy. It won’t be as beneficial if you just think about it while you are in session. Processing should take place in and out of the session. 

                  One think Dr. K has taught me is self-hypnosis. We end every session with a bit of hypnosis. It is only a few minutes, but he always gives me a hypnotic suggestion that I can take into my week. When I am struggling, I use self-hypnosis to recreate the relaxation created during the in-session hypnosis. This allows me to approach whatever is weighing on me with a clearer head.  Often, I use self-hypnosis when I can’t sleep because my mind is whirling with thoughts. I take what I have learned in the therapy session and use it to help me when I need to cope on my own. 

                  Another way to enhance therapy is to become involved in mental health activities. I choose to do this through NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness). Through this organization I have learned to speak about my mental health in a positive way. I have shared my story with others. In doing so, I support myself and let others know they are not alone. Dr. K has encouraged my involvement with NAMI. It has allowed me to grow in my understanding of my mental illness and in my ability to help others. 

                  Reading about mental illness or listening to mental health podcasts, like The Giving Voice To Depression Podcast can also help. I find this enables me to understand that I am not alone. So often depression isolates us. It tells us we are alone. When we are struggling it is difficult to see that it is an illness causing us to feel the way we do. I find that by listening to podcasts like this I feel more connected and less alone. The Giving Voice to Depression Podcast has a wealth of episodes that can help individuals who are living with depression. 

                  My point in this post is that therapy in isolation is not enough. A therapist can help us, but we must do our part. We need to be active participants in the therapeutic process. That is the only way to heal.  Unfortunately, there is no magic cure. Healing takes effort. I know it is difficult to make that effort when we are struggling. I have been there. I have struggled. The work we do when we are feeling a little better can help with this.  If you are not sure how to get the most out of your therapy sessions, ask your therapist for support with this work. It can make a difference.  

Giving Back

                  I have learned that giving back feels good. This past Saturday night I had a poetry reading as a fundraiser at Empty Shelf in San Gabriel, CA. The purpose was to raise money for the general breast cancer research fund at Keck Medicine of USC. I was hoping for a few hundred dollars. I raised $1,125. I am thrilled to be able to donate that money.

                  My cancer journey has taught me a lot about valuing life. It has helped me overcome suicidal ideation. I have learned that I want to live. Cancer is a tough way to learn this lesson. So, I can’t say I am glad cancer hit me, but I am happy that I have learned the lessons I have learned. My depression isn’t gone, but I think I understand how to live with it better now. I have learned to tell depression to be quiet when it starts in with its suicidal thoughts. I have learned that I have a reason to live. Cancer still sucks, but I am learning to fight. 

                  I have an amazing team of medical professionals caring for me. My oncologist and primary care provider (PCP) take care of all things physical. They also encourage me and give me hope. My PCP was the first person who told me I could fight cancer. She told me this immediately after telling me I had cancer. So, right from the beginning, there has been a knowledge that I can fight. My oncologist provided me with hope in my very first appointment with her. It didn’t matter that my cancer was stage 4 and metastatic.  She was going to lead me in the battle, and I would live. She remains the hope that I hold onto.  The nurse navigator became my “Dancing Queen,” teaching me to dance on top of cancer. She reminds all the time that I need to keep dancing to beat cancer. Her motivation lifts me up and reminds me that I can live.  All the nurses, my PCP’s nurse and the infusion nurses, always take such great care of me. They encourage me while providing me with care and understanding. The infusion nurses make sure my treatment goes well.

                  My mental health team has been by my side throughout. My psychologist is always there to talk to me and to help ease my anxiety. My psychiatrist helps me understand what I am experiencing and ensures that I am taking care of my mental health. My psychiatric nurse practitioner, S, always listens to me and helps me make sense of things. Now, I see another psychiatric nurse practitioner, too. She, along with the techs, makes sure I get my treatment and that I get through it with ease. 

                  So, I have an army behind me. That gives me reason to give back. In the past I have raised money for mental health through NAMI Walks. Now, it is time for me to give back for all the help and healing I have received in my cancer battle. My writing is the one thing I have that I can share with others. So, I had a poetry reading with a raffle and silent auction to raise money for breast cancer research. There are many cancer organizations, but there is nowhere I would rather give back to than Keck Medicine of USC. Their team has saved my life. I want to give back to them.  I want to help them fight for others with cancer. I know first-hand that they make a difference. The poetry reading and the funds I raised are a small token of my appreciation and gratitude, 

                  The fact that I can give back shows that I am winning the battle against breast cancer. I have the ability to give back. I am healing. I want to do more and hopefully I will find ways to do more. As long as I can give back, I am going to. I don’t know what that will look like moving forward, but it is my goal. I am considering starting a second blog to write about breast cancer. Let me know what you think about that. It would be easy for me to start a second blog. I love to write. So, writing would likely come naturally. Maybe a breast cancer blog would help others fight this awful disease.

                  I want to share the poetry reading with all of you reading this. Listen to my message. Feel the poems. Cancer can strike when you least expect it. Value your health and get recommended screenings. It can save your life. 

                  Here is the link to my poetry reading:

 

https://youtu.be/LqRh3tPcT3c?si=nOYkoBvke-1aKg2i