Depression in the Workplace

           A lot of us who suffer from depression still must hold down jobs.  Working while depressed is difficult.  For most of my life I have managed, but there have been times when I have been forced to take time off.  The first time was several years ago.  The psychiatrist I was seeing at the time decided to switch the class of medication I was on, which required me to come completely off depression medication for a couple of weeks.  As a result, she took me out of work for two months.  I attended an outpatient program during this time.  It was helpful.  However, I felt helpless without work.  I remember feeling guilty about not working.  It was obvious that I couldn’t work, but the guilt was still there.

            I was taken out of work for a couple of weeks last year.  Again, feelings of guilt arose.  I also felt like I had to hide the real reason I was not working.  I was embarrassed to admit that it was because of my mental health.  I didn’t want my boss to know.  I didn’t want most of my colleagues to know.  I feared they would not understand.  That is a product of the stigma that surrounds mental illness. Quite frankly, it sucks.  

            Several months ago, I had to take more time off work.  This time it was for about 6 weeks plus the winter break.  I had been struggling for a few months. Work was making it worse.  It reached the point where my depression and its overwhelming thoughts were making it too difficult for me to focus on work.  When the suicidal thoughts started popping into my head at work, I knew I had to tell my psych team and get help.  It wasn’t safe or healthy for me to be at work. 

            Again, I was afraid to let anyone know the real reason I was out.  My primary care provider filled out the FMLA paperwork for me so that it wasn’t obvious that it was my mental health.  I am grateful to her for understanding and doing that.  Yet the truth is, I shouldn’t have to be afraid to have my psychiatrist do the paperwork.  Depression is a real illness.  Unfortunately, so many workplaces and bosses don’t understand.  I knew my boss wouldn’t understand and feared she would belittle me.  That is not a good feeling.  

            When your mind is consumed by depression it is difficult to focus on work.  For me, I have trouble with memory when my depression is bad.  I can’t keep my thoughts organized because the thoughts ruled by the depression are in the forefront.  I become frustrated easily.  It is almost impossible to hide that I am not okay.  I tend to stop interacting with colleagues because I fear they won’t understand.  I don’t want to be a burden on them either.  All of this points to how depression is a real illness.  It has a major impact on my ability to function in the workplace.  This fact has become more apparent to me as I was just diagnosed with a physical illness that is going to require a battle.  Now, I will be battling two illnesses simultaneously.  I have realized that I can’t hide either one.  I am going to need my support team, my friends, and my family.  I won’t be able to continue to work.  I hope that I won’t lose my job.  It is also my hope to continue with this blog.  Writing has always been healing for me and I am going to need that healing component in the coming days, weeks, months.  

            I’ll end this post with this thought, working with any illness is difficult.  Working with mental illness is no different than working with a physical illness.  I am going to try to be straightforward in explaining what I can and cannot do.  If an employer or colleague doesn’t understand, there is nothing I can do.  I must take care of me.  

 

Check back on Monday, July 31^st for my next post.