Depression: What I Know and Don’t Know

    I know a lot about depression.  I am more familiar with it than I ever wanted to be.  I know its definition. I know its symptoms and its treatments.  I know the coping strategies.  I know how it affects me.  I know what it is has stolen from me.  I know depression is an illness.  It is an illness that lasts a lifetime.  I am intimately close to depression.  It has been haunting me for decades.  

I should be an expert by now, but I am not.  I am just a person suffering from this illness.  Sure, I know a lot.  It is not enough.  Depression is an ever-evolving beast.  An illness that interferes with my life no matter how much knowledge I have.

            There is so much I don’t know. Like, why did depression choose me? Why have I lived in the darkness since such a young age? Why has it left me wanting to die? Why haven’t I taken that final step? Why do I get treatment when so many others don’t? Why doesn’t medication work for me? Why is depression never satisfied? It always must take more. Why does depression lie? Whose voice is it using? Why does depression have so much strength? 

            Depression has filled me with questions. Some will be left forever unanswered. I’ve been helped to find the answers to others thanks to my support team. But there will always be questions.

            You see there are more questions than answers. To battle this illness, we must not allow ourselves to become consumed by the questions. There are professionals whose job it is to find the answers. Many of them are very good at what they do. Let’s allow them to do their job. We, the ones living with depression, need to focus on the light. Keep our minds on what brings us healing. Follow our treatment plans. Reach out to our support systems. Live as best as we are capable of living. Know that it is okay to have depression. It is an illness. It is a part of us, but it does not define us.

            The questions will always be there.  In many ways, the answers do not matter.  Depression is what it is.  Depression is a debilitating illness.  At times we can fight it better than other times.  I try not to dwell on the questions, although sometimes I get caught up in wanting to know.  It is difficult.  I want to defeat depression, but I know it will always be there lurking.  I ask the questions, but try to be content with the lack of answers.  I’ll never know why depression chose me.  Maybe that is okay.  I understand what I need to know.  I am not ignorant when it comes to this illness.  I have accepted that there is much I do not understand. What I do know about depression is enough to help me fight this illness.