A Look at Cancer’s Effects

            Things change when you have cancer.  I am at my favorite coffee place. One of the baristas I have known for years didn’t recognize me because I am bald.  I guess without my hair I am unrecognizable.  It is strange how much hair can make a difference in our appearance.

            There are other changes forced upon me by cancer.  Some changes are ones only I notice.  Others are plain to see.  Stamina is one change.  I can no longer walk like I used to.  Before cancer I could walk for an hour.  Now, I can barely make it to corner and back.  I get winded and my legs ache.  I went to the grocery store yesterday for the first time in a while. I found myself relying on the grocery cart for support.

            I become fatigued so easily.  In the past I was somewhat of a night owl.  Now, I head to bed around 8:00.  I need more sleep.  Eight hours is not enough.  It is strange to need so much sleep when in the past I could get by on four to five hours a night.  Now, I do less and need more sleep.

            There are a lot of changes caused by cancer and chemotherapy that had never occurred to me.  My sense of taste is one.  Most foods have no taste.  Others taste like metal.  Eating is no longer pleasurable.  I eat tasteless foods just because I need to eat.  My doctor says my sense of taste will eventually return.  I hope so.  It seems like such a little thing, but it bothers me.  

            As a result of chemo, I bleed more easily.  Every day my nose bleeds.  It is more annoying than anything.  I am not losing a lot of blood, but it still requires attention.

            My nose is constantly congested.  It drips.  So, I always have a tissue in hand.  The congestion is from the chemo.  I am not sick.  At least not with a cold or the flu.

            My eyes water constantly.  It is distracting.  The watery eyes blur my vision making it difficult to read and write.  I also have little bumps called millia on the rims of my eyelids.  They are irritating.  The gel prescribed to heal the bumps blurs my vision, too.  I never would have imagined that breast cancer would affect my eyes. 

            The skin on my face and arms is discolored from the chemo.  It started as a rash.  The rash was an angry red and raised in spots.  It required medicated cream to reduce the redness.  Now, it is patchy dark brown skin.  I hate looking in the mirror.

            My skin is dry.  I have gone through a lot of body cream and lotion.  It never seems to be enough.  The dry skin makes the dark patches look and feel worse.

            The ache in my upper legs is another effect of the chemo.  It is bad enough that I frequently need to take pain killers.  The ache adds to my difficulty walking.  Even walking on flat ground feels like I am walking uphill.

            Nausea is the most annoying side effect of the chemo.  I hate the feeling.  Not only does the chemo cause nausea, but now my anxiety about the cancer and chemo is causing nausea.  As I transition from chemo into targeted treatment, the nausea is still there.  I can’t seem to escape it.  Nausea is a terrible feeling.

            Chemo and the pain killers I need to take cause constipation.  I won’t get into that.  Suffice it to say it is uncomfortable and even landed me in the emergency room early on. 

             My intent in sharing all these effects of cancer and chemo is not to gain sympathy.  My point is that when you have cancer you deal with a lot that you didn’t even consider.  It is a cruel illness.  Cancer takes away so much.  It changes people.  I haven’t even touched on how it has affected my mood or my perspective on life.  Those are impacted, too, but that is for another post.  In many ways I am a different person than I was when I was first diagnosed.  I have learned to deal with a lot.  It has been a battle.  It is a battle I will continue to fight.

            I am grateful to all who have supported me including my oncology team, my mental health team, my family and friends, my colleagues, and the support group I attend.  Cancer cannot be fought alone.  It requires a team approach.  I would not be doing as well as I am doing if it were not for my support system.  As I continue to battle cancer, I know I cannot give up.  I know I need to trust my team.  Take life moment by moment and dance atop cancer.  That is the only way to live.  

            

            

                                                   New flowers on my hair grave. Sometimes

                                                   we need rituals and symbols to help us 

                                                   through difficult times.