Reflecting on My Life As It Is Now

    I looked in the mirror earlier. My bald head reminded me that I have cancer. The discoloration of the skin on my face and arms is another reminder. I don’t like to look at myself. It’s not as much that the cancer bothers me. I guess that’s not really true. It does bother me, but I’m responding well to treatment. My oncologist said I’m doing well. For the most part, I just don’t look in the mirror. In my house I go without a hat. In public I cover my bald head with a cap. I do that more to protect my head from the sun. I’m bald. No use hiding it. I don’t wear a wig. I don’t see the point. I am who I am and right now I am bald. 

Looking in the mirror just brings my reality into the forefront. Since my oncologist says I am responding well to treatment, I have hope. Still, I don’t know what the future holds. It’s scary. I’m not in control. The cancer is. When I look in the mirror, I am reminded of that. I just need to avoid the mirror. Although, the only mirror in my house is in my restroom, a room that is hard to avoid. 

I try to focus on other things. I write as often as I can. That helps. It doesn’t distract me as much as it helps me process my thoughts.  Writing is good for me. That’s why I’m writing this. Keeping this blog up helps me deal with both the cancer and the depression. So, I keep writing. My hope is that reading my blog helps others as much as it helps me to write it. 

Cancer and depression both can take my life away from me. Every day is a battle. Some days are easier than others. I do my best to avoid triggers like the mirror. I rest when the cancer and its treatment are bearing down on me. I take things moment by moment. I talk to my mental health and oncology teams when I need support. I lean on family and friends. It’s a new lifestyle for me. 

I have goals. I want to watch my niece and nephew become adults and find happiness in their lives. I hope to watch my niece hit a home run in one of her softball games. Actually, just seeing her smile on the field would be enough. I want to see my former students graduate this spring and next spring. I want to find joy in work when I’m able to work again. I want to publish another book. I want to enjoy time with my family and friends. I want to travel to Italy. I think my friend and goddaughter are going to go with me. I thought I would have to go alone. Now, I will have companionship on the trip. I want to advocate for mental health care. I want to share the healing power of writing. 

Cancer has shown me that there is so much to live for. Depression had been hiding all of this from me for years. It took facing my own mortality to realize I have a reason to live. Depression still gets in the way at times. I guess it will always try. It’s just the hand I’ve been dealt.

I don’t know how many of my goals I will achieve, but I’m going to make every effort to achieve them. Cancer has awakened something in me. It has given me a fighting spirit. I know I will battle cancer and depression for the rest of my life. I’m ready for the fight. I have a strong support system. I have the will to live. Hey cancer and depression, watch out!