It’s Okay Not to Be Okay During the Holidays

           It is that time of year when holiday expectations can be difficult for those of us living with mental illness. It is never an easy time for me.  My depression tends to get worse at this time of year.  Even this year when I have so much to be grateful for, I can feel the depression making its presence known.  The voice of depression was in my head last night as I was trying to sleep.  It is a loud voice.  Or maybe it just seems loud because it is so insistent.  I do my best to talk back to the depression.  I try not to listen to it even though it is hard.

            One thing I have learned this year is that it is okay not to be okay.  During the past year I have really struggled with my depression, especially the first half of the year.  Cancer took over the second half of the year and distracted me from some of the depression.  Through my mental health team, I have learned that even though I am depressed, I am still human.  They have taught me that it is okay to be depressed.  It is an illness.  It is not who I am.  The support of Dr. Klein, Dr. S, Stephanie, and Cristina has brought me out of the darkness.  Even on my worst days they let me know it is the illness and not me.  

            The support of NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) has also taught me this lesson.  Even when depression is at its darkest, it is okay.  There is a light of hope waiting for us.  There is support out there.  Whether it is through psychiatrists, psychologists, and therapists or through groups like NAMI, people care and want to support those of us with mental illness.  Sometimes it is hard to remember that, but they keep reminding us.  I know I can find support when I reach out to my team or to NAMI. 

            Knowing that it is okay not to be okay is especially important during the holiday season.  The holidays as I have mentioned in other posts can be difficult for many of us.  The thoughts I was having last night remind me of how hard it is to navigate the holidays.  I try to remind myself that I have gotten through holidays every year so far.  I can do it again.  However, I do need help.  I have found leaning on my team and a support group help.  Writing about my depression helps.  Focusing on the gratitude I feel for how I am making progress in my fight against cancer helps me through this time.  

            Each one of us faces different emotions during the holidays.  For some of us it is depression.  For others, it is grief and remembering those who have been lost that make the holidays difficult.  I have a dear friend and a special cousin who deal with loss at this time of year.  Our struggles are not that different. We feel our emotions deeply.  Others struggle with addiction.  No matter what our struggle is during the holiday season, we are allowed to feel it and deal with it in our own ways.  There is no one way to deal with not being okay during the holidays.  The one thing that matters is that we recognize that it is okay not to be okay.  The holidays don’t have to be merry and bright.  For some of us the holidays are spotted with darkness.  For others that darkness is all-consuming.  Whatever we are facing, it is okay.  We need to take each moment as it comes.  One moment at a time.  Take life at our own speed.  We need to accept that the darkness is a part of our experience.  Those of us with mental illness can remind ourselves that it is an illness.  Those suffering from a loss can remind themselves that losing a loved one hurts for a long time.  The one thing we all have in common is the knowledge that it is okay not to be okay.  So, during this holiday season, give yourself a break.  Remind yourself that it is okay to struggle during the holidays.  In fact, it is okay to struggle at any time of the year. 

            If you have a support system, reach out to them.  If you are looking for a support system, try reaching out to NAMI (https://www.nami.org/Home).  They have excellent resources and support groups.  I have benefitted from them.  I have even given back by volunteering with NAMI.  

            This holiday season enjoy what you can, feel what you need to.  Take the time to take care of yourself.  Remember, it is okay to not be okay.