More On Depression During the Holidays

           On Monday I wrote about depression during the holidays.  It is such an important topic.  One that doesn’t get enough attention.  So, I wanted to expand on it in today’s post.   

            Depression and other mental illnesses do not take a break for the holidays.  In fact, many people experience a worsening of symptoms.  I cannot speak for everyone with a mental illness, but I can say in all honesty that my depression and anxiety increase during the holidays.  It feels like the weight of my mental illness gets heavier.  My negative thoughts become more intense.  There is a seasonal form of depression, but that is not what I have.  Although many people do. My diagnoses are major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder.  These two illnesses make the holidays difficult for me. They make life difficult year-round.

            Let’s start with the lights and decorations.  Each winter holiday has its own decorations. They are everywhere.  You can’t go out in public without seeing bright decorations.  I know the decorations are beautiful and are meant to bring joy.  Unfortunately, they often trigger negative thoughts for me.  The voice of depression in my head says, “See all these beautiful decorations.  They are not for you.”  Often in December my friend and I will drive through a large neighborhood that goes all out with the holiday lights and decorations.  I marvel at their beauty. Then depression’s voice reminds me I don’t have decorations.  My life is not festive.  The depression prevents me from truly enjoying the lights and decorations.  

            I don’t remember the last time I decorated for the holidays.  It seems so pointless when it is just me and my depression at home.  I have no one to enjoy the decorations with.  Depression reminds me that it is the reason I am alone.  I have always isolated myself to avoid forcing others to deal with my depression.  

            It is the aloneness aspect of depression that makes holiday gatherings so difficult.  I feel down so often.  I am very aware of this.  I don’t want it to ruin the holidays for my family and friends.  I am often very reserved and quiet at holiday celebrations.  I limit my interactions.  All of this is driven by the depression.  It is a faceless thief of all that is important in life.  I often leave early because I don’t want my depression to ruin the day for others.  

            Celebrations and holiday gatherings remind me of how alone the depression has caused me to be.  These thoughts just make the depression worse.  I see others enjoying their time together.  I wonder why I can’t be that free with my enjoyment. I question why I can’t celebrate with others.  My mind gets busy.  The depression has a running monologue in my head.  It is uncomfortable at best.  Painful at its worse.  

            I would love to enjoy the holidays.  I have memories of family gatherings as a child before the depression.  I can’t recreate those times.   It would be nice if the depression would take a break for the holidays and allow me to create new memories.

            This year I am trying harder to silence my depression.  Part of that has come from having cancer.  I realize that I don’t know how many holidays I have left.  Cancer could take me away whenever it wants.  That knowledge has led me to want to fight the depression.  It is not going to be easy.  I am already struggling. Depression is an illness that I have.  Just like I am fighting cancer, I need to fight the depression.  There will be bad days.  That is part of having an illness. I need to remind myself that depression is an illness.  I am not my depression.  By talking back to the depression and using other coping strategies, I will get through this holiday season.  I have set a goal for myself.  I am going to smile and enjoy my niece and nephew this year.  This goal isn’t overwhelming.  I can make it work.  I must believe that.

            If you are struggling with increased depression during the holidays, I encourage you to set one simple goal for yourself.  Focus on achieving that goal.  Use all the coping strategies you have in your arsenal to accomplish the goal.  Try to view setbacks as steppingstones.  That is how I am going to approach it. If I am not successful, it’s okay.  Depression is an illness and at times we need to let it run its course.  As we do that, we need to rely on our support systems.  Whatever that support looks like for you, lean on it.  Depression doesn’t have to be a solitary illness during the holidays or at any time.  I am learning that thanks to my support system.  

            If you do not have a support system or need more support, I recommend reaching out to NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness).  They have great resources, and they provide support to all in need.  I am including a link to their website.  Search for the nearest chapter to you

NAMI:  https://www.nami.org/Home

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If NAMI isn’t something you are interested in, try speaking with your primary care provider.  He or she should be able to provide you with referrals.