The Holidays When You Are Depressed

            When thinking about the holidays people generally picture festive times.  That is often not the reality for people suffering from depression.  For most of my life the holidays have been a difficult time for me. I do have memories of large family celebrations when I was young, but they are just memories now.  Those memories get farther and farther away every year.  Family members have passed away.  Others have moved away.  For me it is more than just the loss of people.  My depression tends to become worse during the holiday season.  

            What does depression at the holidays look like?  It is not all that different from depression the rest of the year.  The difference is you see so many people celebrating and being happy, spending time with loved ones and friends and you wonder why can’t I be like that?  The smiles on other people’s faces that seem so natural is forced on my face.  Depression’s voice tells me I am not a part of all the festivities.  It reminds me that I am alone. Of course, I am alone because the depression created in me the belief that I need to protect others from my depression.  I cannot bring myself to celebrate with others.  I feel isolated even when I am with family or friends.  The depression keeps me from seeing the beauty in holiday lights and decorations. I feel down like I do the rest of the year, but now there is a layer of guilt to it.  There is this idea that I should be happy.  

            So, how does someone with depression cope with the holidays.  I use a variety of strategies to get through this time of year.  First, I make sure I am getting enough therapy. I need to talk through what I am feeling and experiencing. Therapy is important year-round, but it is especially helpful during the holidays when I question why I just can’t enjoy this time like so many others.  Setting boundaries is important, too.  If there is something I don’t want to do, I need to give myself permission not to do it.  If there are people who it is difficult to be around, I need to accept that it is okay to stay away.  

Another coping strategy is practicing gratitude.  I identify what I am grateful for and allow myself to express that gratitude.  Often, when we are grateful, we can feel a little better.  I can be grateful for the holiday memories I have even though I have lost many of the people who made those holidays special.  I can also be grateful for the people I do have in my life. One thing cancer has taught me is that there are more people in my life who care about me than I realized.  I am grateful for them.  This gratitude has led to me looking forward to spending time with them during this season.  

As always, writing is a great coping skill for me.  It took a lot of thought to write this post.  I had to consider the way I view the holidays as a person with depression.  I questioned myself and searched for positives.  I reviewed my coping strategies and realized that even though the depression will be present, I can find joy in the holidays.  I can focus on the smiles on my niece and nephew’s faces.  I can enjoy bringing joy to my mom with a special gift.  I processed these images by journaling.  Getting it out of my head and onto paper makes it real.  I can see that there are good parts of the holidays.  It is not all depression.

One other coping strategy that I find useful is creating art. I have found that making artistic gifts provides me with joy.  I have started that process and look forward to making more gifts.  The creating is calming for me.  There is the added benefit of making someone smile when I give them a handmade gift.  

Even with all my coping strategies, the holidays will have their difficulties for me.  That is a part of depression.  It is up to me to manage it the best I can.  I will rely on mental health team at times.  Lean on friends and family at other times.  This year has already started out differently.  Cancer was added to the mix. Having stage 4 cancer has taught me to value life.  While cancer sucks, it has forced me to reflect.  That reflection has led me to appreciate life and all it has to offer.  I have realized all that I have missed out on over the years.  I can’t get any of that back, but I can make efforts to make this holiday season and my future better.  I can enjoy all that I have in my life even when depression makes that difficult.  Cancer has provided me with a new lease on life and it starts with the holiday season.  Depression and cancer are a part of my life, but they don’t have to rule it.  I’ll fight back against the depression this year.  Enjoy what I can and be okay with it when I can’t.