Shame in Mental Illness

           I have spent a lot of time thinking about the changes I have gone through since my cancer diagnosis.  It has allowed me to reflect on my depression and how it has shaped my entire life.  I have come to some interesting conclusions.  Depression has engrained many thoughts within my mind.  I can’t speak for other mental illnesses, but I do have a better understanding of how depression and anxiety have shaped me.

            In the beginning I was too young to understand what was happening with the depression.  I didn’t have a diagnosis.  I didn’t have much support.  I had a high school counselor, who didn’t really understand and tried to fill my head with “happy” platitudes.  In hindsight she was doing the best she knew how, but I never believed her well-intended words.  This set the stage for depression’s negative voice.  This voice took control and has not let go.  It has been chirping in my head for almost 40 years.  

            Over the years the voice has provided several messages. Many of these messages have led me to feel shame for my mental illness.  Sometimes the depression is mimicking the words it hears from society.  They are those well-intended phrases like, “You should just cheer up,” “You have so much to be happy about,” “Just smile,” and “You shouldn’t be sad. Others have it worse.”  Depression uses these words to make me feel shame.  It makes me feel like I should have better control of my feelings and emotions.  There is this sense that I am causing the depression and not valuing my life.  It has taken me a very long time to realize that the thoughts and shame they create are not true.  

The thoughts are a part of an illness.  They are not my fault.  These thoughts drive me down into a deep darkness.  They have led me to the edge of suicide.  I do my best to fight the thoughts.  I work with my mental health team.  I practice talking back to my thoughts.  I practice self-care by writing, listening to music, painting, and walking.  Even with all this self-care depression makes me feel shame. I am learning talk back to the shame.  The understanding that my depression is an illness was deepened by my cancer diagnosis.  I began to see parallels between the two.  One illness affects my mind.  The other illness affects my body.  Both have taken a toll on me.  

So much of society hasn’t figured out that depression is an illness.  I believe this is true for most mental illnesses.  The lack of understanding makes it difficult to live with mental illness. It increases the shame.  At times I question why I feel so down.  I question why my thoughts are so dark.  I don’t understand why at times I consider taking my own life.  Being diagnosed and treated for cancer has provided some clarity.  I have gained an understanding of illness in general terms. I have been able to apply what I am experiencing with cancer to what I experience with depression. They are both illnesses.  They both have symptoms that I have no control over.  Depression and cancer are both illnesses. 

I wish it did not take a cancer diagnosis to allow me to arrive at this understanding. I am grateful for the understanding.  People with mental illness often live with shame.  The message we hear is that our illness is just in our heads and that is we can snap out of it.  That is not true. I can more snap out of depression than I can snap out of cancer.  I have two illnesses. I will continue to battle both, but I do not have to be ashamed of either one of them.