Letting the Light In

“We are all broken…that’s how the light gets in.” – Ernest Hemingway

 

                  The other day I saw this quote posted on a Giving Voice to Depression  social media page. I have heard this quote many times. It has always given me reason to think. It relates well to my view of depression and the ways I have expressed depression and healing in my writing. 

                  Depression is a darkness. It fills our lives with shades we cannot see through. Darkness has long represented how I feel when the depression is heavy. I have written many poems with the theme of darkness. I understand the darkness. I have lived within its shadows for so long. Darkness represents my brokenness. It is a brokenness that people who live with depression know all too well. 

                  Brokenness can be a symbol for the struggle in the dark that a person suffering with depression lives with. In a sense our life is broken. I think that is another way of referring to the illness that is depression. Depression breaks down what is considered a normal thought process. However, I’m not sure I would agree that there is a normal thought process. We each think differently. For some of us those thoughts turn dark. These thoughts turn in on us and leave us in pain. It can literally feel like we are in the dark. 

When we are in the darkness, it seems as if we will never see the light of healing. I have always expressed healing as a light in my writing and in my thoughts. When healing occurs, it is as if light is breaking through the darkness. Sometimes the light peeks through a crack. That is a small moment of healing, a brief reprieve from the darkness. At other times the light can burst through the darkness. I have experienced that with both TMS treatment and esketamine treatment. The burst of light is a shattering of the darkness, a lifting of the depression. 

I believe we experience light in varying degrees at different times in our lives. Extreme darkness, those times when suicidal thoughts are strongest, makes it seem impossible to experience the light of healing. Our thoughts tell us there is no light. It is in these times that we must hold on to the aspects of healing that are present in our lives. It may be a mental health professional, a friend or loved one, or a treatment. Holding on to whichever it is, allows light to break into our lives. By the very fact that we are broken, we have cracks to let the light in.  We just find it difficult to see this. It is difficult to understand how light can reach us when we are in the depths of darkness. 

I believe the light is there even when we struggle to see its presence. I need to believe this. If I didn’t, I would be completely without hope. Often, I need assistance remembering that the light is out there. That is okay. We shouldn’t face the darkness of depression alone, which is why conversations about depression are so important. As Glenn Close said, “What mental health needs is more sunlight, more candor, and more unashamed conversation.”

Darkness is going to be present with depression. The goal is to find ways to allow the light in. This can be a Herculean task. Don’t embark on this task on your own. Even if you are alone, reach out to someone. Reach into the light that is seeping through the cracks in your depression. The cracks are there. Everything that is broken has cracks. Some we can see, others we can’t. Those cracks allow the light in. The light can be a therapist or psychiatrist, a medication, a support group, a non-traditional treatment, or loved one. Find your cracks. Be open to allowing the light in even in your darkest moments. Depression is deep darkness, but the light of healing can seep in. 

At the beginning of this post, I mentioned Giving Voice to Depression. This podcast can be another source of light. I have found light in listening to the stories shared on this podcast and I would encourage you to check it out. 

 

Blogging for a Year

                 I missed it, but last week marked a year since I started this depression blog. My first post was June 16, 2023. I thought today I would glance back on the previous year and look forward to the coming year.  

                  This year has been nothing like I expected. When I started the blog, I was just coming out of a difficult period with my depression. In the months prior to starting my blog I had been through both esketamine and TMS treatment. They worked for me, and I was feeling better. In early June I transferred out of a job that was not good for my mental health. My amazing mental health care team helped me secure that transfer. It wasn’t easy but being away from that job had things looking up. I started interviewing for new positions. After a couple weeks I landed a position as a special education coordinator at a high school. I was excited about work for the first time in a long while. 

                  My blog had started off well. I had a new job. My depression and anxiety seemed under control. I was ready for a good year. Two days after being hired for the new position, I found myself in the emergency room. This emergency visit started a year I could never have expected. Within a couple weeks I was hospitalized and underwent a liver biopsy.  A week later my primary care provider said the word that would change everything. Cancer. I was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. Chemotherapy would start quickly. The people that surrounded me would change my life. From my aunt to my dancing nurse to my oncologist, I was supported and cared for. My mental health team and primary care provider remained by my side, lifting me up. Somehow, I managed to keep writing this blog. I missed a few posts, but for the most part I posted twice a week. This blog gave me purpose. It provided a distraction to my treatment and the illness that was trying to take my life. 

                  Writing emerged as my healing tool, the same way it has as I have battled depression and anxiety. Those two “buddies” made noise during this past year. They joined cancer in trying to take me down. I fought. Some days were bad. Other days were really bad. Still, I kept writing. Taking pen to paper saved me. It gave my thoughts somewhere to go. I filled a few journals in addition to the posts I was writing. This blog and my journal were lifelines for me. 

                  As for the blog, my audience has varied. Some posts garner a lot of readers. Others only manage to attract few. The two most read posts were “A Safe Place for Healing” and “A Funeral for My Hair”.  The post “Cancer Hasn’t Won” had a lot of readers, too. As did the posts on esketamine treatment and TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation), which were a series written from my psychiatric nurse practitioner’s perspective with follow-ups from my perspective as a patient. 

I continue to share my thoughts on depression and living with mental illness. I haven’t had the consistent readership that I was hoping for, but I’m not giving up. If you are reading this, I ask that you share the blog with someone or go back and read some of my older posts that you might have missed. I truly believe that we need to openly discuss depression and other mental illnesses. We need to bring acceptance and understanding to these illnesses. I have lived most of my life with depression and anxiety. Unfortunately, a large portion of that time, support was minimal if it was there at all. Times are changing. Mental illness is more accepted and understood now. Unfortunately, we are not where we need to be. We need to bring more light into the discussion. It is my hope that this blog be a part of that light. I want to bring hope and understanding. If my experience can bring help to others than it has served a purpose. I will continue to post twice a week. Writing is a larger part of my life now that I am unable to work. I hope to build this blog and in doing so help others. It helps me to write, and I hope that others are helped by my words. When I started this blog a year ago, I didn’t know how much it would help me. This blog has been a lifeline for me. I hope you will continue to read it and share it with others. 

Reaching Out for Help

                  So many people with depression or other mental illness live in the darkness unable to reach out for help. For most of my life that was me. I didn’t reach out because I didn’t know I could. I feared being ridiculed. I thought I would be unheard. These fears are a reality when you live with mental illness. I have faced stigma from family, friends, in the workplace, and in the healthcare setting. 

Perhaps the worst was when I was ridiculed by a physician’s assistant because of my mental health. I wrote about that in a previous post (https://depressionbentnotbroken.blogspot.com/2024/01/turning-hurtful-words-into-healing.html ). Fear of stigma and ridicule and the lack of understanding of mental illness make it difficult for people who are suffering to reach out. It shouldn’t be that way.

We need to create an atmosphere where it is okay to say, “I need help,” or “I am struggling.” We have come a long way. Back when my depression started in the late 1980s, I couldn’t reach out for help. There was no understanding. Today, society is more understanding, but we still have a long way to go. 

My intent in this post is to encourage anyone who is living with mental illness to reach out when they need support. Is that hard to do? Yes. Is reaching out worth it? Definitely. Reaching out means taking a risk. It is hard to know where to start. Who do you trust? How do you know who can provide the help and support you need? Those are individual questions, but I think there are some commonalities that we can rely on. In most cases, if the depression or other mental illness has never been addressed, I would recommend starting with your primary care provider. Most are going to be responsive. I believe the primary care provider who hurt me is an exception. Today most primary care providers understand they have a role in mental health. Let this provider refer you to psychological care. 

You can also contact organizations such as NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) To find your local chapter click here: https://www.nami.org/. They provide resources and have groups that can make a difference. There is also the 988 helpline. They can connect you to resources and provide assistance in mental health emergencies.

What if you are already diagnosed and you have mental health support? Reaching out for help can still be difficult at times. You may feel like you must wait for your next appointment to get support. Maybe you are having difficulty expressing what you are going through. It is okay to reach out to your mental health provider when you are struggling. It is normal to feel like maybe you should handle it on your own or to think you are taking up their time. However, most mental health providers would rather you reach out than struggle in silence. There are times when you need help. Be honest with yourself. There is no shame in not being able to handle mental illness alone all the time. Sure, there are moments when we might have to push through on our own, but that doesn’t mean we can’t reach out. One thing that helps is to have a safety plan. For more on safety plans, check out my article on the NAMI Glendale website (https://namiglendale.org/how-a-safety-plan-can-ease-a-mental-health-crisis/).

Reaching out for help is not a sign of weakness. It is a necessary part of life when you live with mental illness. These illnesses can be overwhelming at times. We can’t expect to be able to handle it on our own all the time. All illnesses require care. Mental illness is no different. Stigma can make it hard, but reaching out can make a difference in our lives. 

I think if we asked our family and friends, they would rather us reach out to them when we are struggling than speak at our funerals. That may sound extreme, but in many cases, it is reality. As hard as it can be at times, I encourage people to reach out when the darkness of mental illness is heavy. Know that it takes courage to reach out, but that courage is in you. Even though it is not easy, reaching out is worth it. 

Men Suffer from Depression, Too

                  June is Men’s Mental Health Month. I thought I would attempt to bring awareness to the fact that men suffer from depression, too. Stigma is hard for everyone living with depression. I think there are societal ideals that add to that stigma for men. Obviously, I can’t speak from experience in this area, but I can speak from a place of empathy.

                  Men get depressed. Men have emotions. How many of us grew up hearing boys being told that boys don’t cry or heard a boy told to man up? I can only imagine the pain and confusion that caused for the boys. Why were they being told to hide their emotions? Why didn’t their emotions matter? These boys grew up with those messages in their head. It makes sense that given those messages, acknowledging depression would be difficult for them.

                  Men need to know that they can reach out for help when they are living with depression. They don’t have to be strong all the time. Their emotions are legitimate. Men deserve and are entitled to mental health care. It can make a difference in their lives.

                  According to the National Institute of Mental Health 18.1% of males live with some form of mental illness. That number is significant and warrants addressing. Studies show that men are less likely to get help for a mental illness such as depression. We need do something to encourage men to get the help they need. This starts with reducing the stigma. We need to tear down the stereotype of the always strong, emotionless male. We all have emotions, male or female. Breaking down the stigma can begin by creating open spaces for people to express themselves. This can start by checking in on each other. Check in on your male friends and family members. When you do this make sure you really listen to their answers. Ask them questions. Encourage them to share rather than “man up”. 

                  Depression looks different in everyone. The man that is consumed with his work or the man that is taking risks in his social life, may be masking depression. You won’t know unless you sincerely ask, “How are you doing?” Give your make friends and family members space to share what they are feeling. 

                  It is also important that we ensure that boys know that it is okay to have feelings. It is okay to cry. There is no shame in shedding tears. Boys who are allowed to share their emotions will grow into men who can do the same.  

                  Mental healthcare is necessary for all people. Depression or other mental illnesses are not signs of weakness. They are illnesses that require treatment. Men deserve mental health treatment just like anyone else. So, let’s make a concerted effort to break down the stigma surrounding men’s mental health. 

 

My Pen – Writing as a Healing Tool

                  Having lived with depression most of my life has required me to develop coping strategies and healing tools. I have a great mental health team, but I can’t lean on them 24/7. So, I need tools to rely on in those moments when I am struggling on my own. Some of these tools have become a part of my daily life. The most significant tool I have is writing. 

I write every day. I write more when I am struggling. I write in different forms. Poetry has always been my go-to writing form. It is the type of writing that I discovered first in my battle with depression. I started writing poems as a teenager. I filled notebooks with these poems, which expressed what I was going through. I still write poems decades later. The poems seem to just pour out of me especially when I am struggling. I don’t know. Maybe I think in poetry. Many of my poems are dark, which makes sense. Depression is dark. As I have found healing, I have been able to write poems that evoke that healing. I am proud of both types of poems. They express who I am and what I live with. 

My writing has taken other forms over the years. You are reading one of those forms. This blog keeps me going. It provides me with a space to write about depression, which is healing for me. I hope that my posts bring healing to others. I also hope that it brings an understanding of depression to those who do not experience it. It is through understanding that we can help each other. 

Before I share a poem, I would like to invite readers to learn about the healing power of writing. I will be giving a talk for NAMI Glendale next Thursday, June 20^th at 7:00 pm. It is on Zoom. The link to register for this free event is at the bottom of this post. It will be an interactive talk that provides attendees with the opportunity to try writing. 

Now, for the poem. This poem can be found in my book, A Light Amidst the Darkness: Illuminating Mental Illness and Suffering. The poem is titled, My Pen. It explores what is happening inside of me as I write. Rather than explain the poem, I’ll let you draw meaning from it. 

 

 

My Pen

 

When my mind is full of turmoil I turn to my pen,

Reach for my journal and begin to write.

Words take the form of lines.

The poison pours out of me.

My pen is an instrument of healing.

The ink gives life to the words I cannot voice.

Line after line, page after page filled with my thoughts.

I feel each thought as it leaves my mind to make its mark upon the page.

The page soaks up my memories;

Becomes stained by my pain.

Dark thought after dark thought is released

And allowed to breathe on the page.

In these moments I feel lighter.

A sense of healing envelops me

As my turmoil escapes

My pen provides this passage to healing.

Each poem I write gives me the courage to continue.

My journals hold the reality of my pain.

Relieving me of my pain

And allowing me to live.

 

 

                  If you are interested in joining my talk, Writing as a Healing Tool, use the link to register.

 

https://namiglendale.org/event/writing-as-a-healing-tool/

 

Self-Care Ideas for When You Are Struggling with Depression

                  We all struggle at times. For some of us that struggle is more frequent. It seeps into all aspects of our life. When you have depression, the struggles become harder to pull yourself out of. Regular self-care can help ease some of the darkness. It is not going to cure it, but it can help.

                  What is self-care? Simply put, self-care is doing things to take care of yourself. It can be things that address your mental health. Self-care can also address your physical health. It involves doing things that make you feel better. These activities can range from simple activities to enacting more elaborate plans.

                  For me self-care includes taking walks and writing. When I walk, I usually listen to music, which is another self-care activity. Writing allows me to release the thoughts that build up in my mind. I also like to be creative. Painting is a form of self-care for me. I enjoy watching the colors transform into something.

                  What are some other self-care ideas? 

                  

·      Meditating

·      Spending time in nature – think walking on the beach or in a forest

·      Deep breathing

·      Cooking

·      Reading for pleasure

·      Yoga or Pilates

·      Talking to a loved one on the phone

·      Having lunch with a friend

·      Dancing

·      Making a gratitude list

·      Getting a massage

·      Practicing affirmations

·      Taking a class to learn something new

·      Watching a movie

·      Sitting under the stars

·      Lighting some candles 

·      Playing an instrument

·      Doing something special for a friend or family member

·      Doing something you loved as a child

 

Self-care can be anything that makes you feel good about yourself. It takes practice.

You may do something and not get the lift you were expecting. That is okay. Don’t give up. Sometimes it takes time for self-care to affect you. The idea is to make it a part of your routine. You want to build up a repertoire of activities that you can lean on when you need a lift. 

                  When depression gets heavy, I sometimes have difficulty turning to my self-care activities. Sometimes I need a reminder. It is hard. Depression can be paralyzing. That is why it is important to prepare a list of self-care activities when you are feeling a little better. Maybe write them down. Put the list in your phone. Set a reminder to look at the list.  That might make you more likely to try something. You can also share your list with a friend. I have a friend that reminds me to listen to music. Sometimes we listen to live music together. It helps both of us. 

Whatever you choose to do as self-care, remember to give it a chance to help you. Also, give yourself grace. It is okay to feel down and to struggle with depression. You are not alone. Remind yourself about that. As lonely as depression feels, you are not alone. There are so many of us who go through what you are going through. Joining a support group is another self-care strategy. If you think this might help you, I recommend checking with your local NAMI chapter for a group. 

Self-care is not easy. Nothing about living with depression is easy. Take it one step at a time. Try one of the above self-care activities or search for other activities online. Don’t be afraid to take a mental health day from work or school to engage in self-care. I used to be afraid to take mental health days, I thought my mental health wasn’t a legitimate reason to take time off. I learned the hard way that I should have taken days off. I should have put myself and my mental health ahead of my job. Please take the time to engage in self-care. Allow yourself to heal. Remember mental health days are a part of self-care. 

Whatever self-care activities you choose, remember that they are for you. Engage in the activity in whatever way feels best to you. Give yourself the grace to search for the activities that help you most. 

There Is Hope

“There is hope, even when your brain tells you there isn’t.” – John Green

 

                  The above quote is powerful. When you live with mental illness, or any illness for that matter, hope can be difficult to hang onto. I have struggled with hope in my battle with depression and anxiety and in my fight against cancer. What is hope? The Merriam Webster Dictionary defines hope as “a desire accompanied by expectation of or belief in fulfillment.” 

                  Hope has been tricky for me. Decades of living with depression make it difficult to believe that there is freedom from depression’s darkness. At the same time, I have had healing experiences that allow me to believe that I can get better. At times I lose sight of the healing periods. My mind gets caught up in the hopelessness depression creates. It tells me that the depression will win. My view is clouded by darkness. When I am feeling hopeless, I know I need to hang onto the hope of my mental health team. Their hope for me  sustains me when I cannot believe in hope myself.  

                  I know I am struggling beyond my ability to cope on my own when my thoughts turn to thoughts of ending my life. Suicidal thoughts are a sign that I have lost hope. Despite a lifetime of those thoughts, I am still here. I think that is because hope can exist even in the darkest of moments. I don’t really understand how it happens. It just does. I have been lucky that I have been able to reach out in my darkest moments. I’ve been told that takes strength and means that there is hope somewhere inside of me. When I have suicidal thoughts, my brain is trying to tell me there is no hope. However, as Green says in the quote above, there is still hope. Our brains get talking and try to mask that hope, but it is there. 

                  For me finding that hope requires reaching out. I realize that reaching out can seem impossible for some people. At times it seems impossible for me. That is why it is important to plan for those times when the thoughts aren’t screaming at us. Whether it is just knowing who to call or having a concrete safety plan, it is important that we have a plan for when hope seems to disappear. It can still be difficult to reach out to those who will help us through the darkness. However, if we have a plan, we are more likely to try to use it.

                  What about those times when we feel hopeless but are not suicidal or thinking about self-harm. Those are still difficult times. Sometimes I get caught believing that I will never know anything other than the darkness of depression. For me that is a sign that it is time to return to one of the alternative treatments that help me. Whether it is TMS or esketamine, I know I need to get treatment. Knowing what treatments or medications work for you is important. Being able to openly discuss what you are feeling and experiencing with a psychiatrist or psychologist is crucial.  He/she/they will be able to listen to what you are sharing and provide the necessary treatment. Trust comes into play here. I believe it is vital to be able to trust your mental health provider not only knows what you need, but that they are willing to ensure you receive that treatment.  

                  Depression attacks hope, but hope is resilient. We possess it even when we are unaware of it. Hope is present when we get out of bed, when we spend time with a friend, or when we go to work. Hope is present when we reach out for help. It is present when we try one of our coping strategies or engage in self-care. Hope is a light shining in the darkness of depression. Sometimes hope is faint, but it is still there waiting for us to hang onto it. Hope whispers back when our brains tell us there is no hope. Sometimes it will be our voice. Other times it will be the voice of a mental health care provider or a loved one. Listen for the whisper of hope and hang onto it. 

Expecting People with Depression to Act as If They Didn’t Have Depression

                 Depression is often misunderstood. Many people don’t understand it is an illness. They don’t understand how real depression is. There is a misconception that people can turn off depression. This has never made sense to me. I can’t turn my depression off like a faucet. Depression is an illness. 

                  For most of my life I have functioned with depression. I earned two degrees while depressed. I spent 26+ years as a special education teacher while living with depression. I hid my illness fairly well. People expected me to just keep doing what I was doing. Even people who knew about my depression expected me to be there every day. Most days I was there functioning as best as I could. I played the role of teacher while in my head darkness swirled. Many people do what I did. We work despite our depression.

Depression is one of those illnesses that you can’t let others know is affecting you. Stigma made it hard to admit that depression was impacting my ability to work. Several years ago, when I took a leave of absence to address my mental health, no one knew that I was depressed. No one asked.  In late 2022 my mental health forced me into another leave of absence. Again, I did not let on it was depression because I feared my boss would ridicule me and that my colleagues wouldn’t understand. Teachers are expected to teach. We are expected to be there every day. Even taking one day off is difficult because we need to plan everything for the substitute. I was going to be out for an extended period and did not have the ability to plan everything to keep my classroom running without me. I felt guilty that I couldn’t do my part and that no one knew why. 

When you are depressed people expect you to smile and get through it. I’ve been told, “You have so much to be happy about. How can you be depressed?” The people saying these things don’t understand that depression is an illness. This fact has hit me harder now that I am also living with a physical illness, cancer. No one has told me to “Smile and push through the cancer.” Mental and physical illnesses are perceived differently. When cancer forced me to take a leave of absence, no one expected me to do anything for work.  I didn’t have to hide my illness. Even now as I live with both illnesses, the cancer is the one most people ask about.

No one outside of my mental health team asks how I’m coping with my depression as I fight cancer. A couple people in my inner circle have checked in on my depression, but in general people act as if my depression went away when I was diagnosed with cancer. The depression has definitely not gone away. If anything, it has become more difficult. I understand. Cancer is something people know about. It is something people can often see. Depression is something that people can’t see. That makes it harder to recognize.

When someone finds out I have depression, I’ll get responses like, “try yoga” or “you need to smile more.”  I’ve heard things like “my friend stopped being depressed when she drank herbal tea.” Another one that makes me laugh is “Have a glass of wine. It will relax you.” I understand that these people have good intentions, but would they tell me to try yoga to cure my cancer? Would a glass of wine make me cancer disappear? No. Why then is it okay to make these suggestions about depression?

People often think that I can turn the depression off and function as if nothing is wrong, as if my mind is not filled with dark thoughts. Until depression is viewed as an illness by more people, those of us who have this illness are going to be faced with expectations like this that we cannot meet. We are going to be expected to act as if we are not depressed. I know I need to work more on being honest and saying, “I can’t do that today because my depression is impacting me” or “I have depression and I need to take some time to heal.” For too long I hid my depression at work. That didn’t help me. It also doesn’t allow others to learn that depression is an illness. Reducing the expectation to act as if we don’t have depression is not going to occur until those of us with depression and the people who care about individuals with depression speak up. 
                  As a society we need to recognize depression and other mental illnesses for what they are, illnesses. They are not choices. I don’t choose to struggle with depression. I do, however, choose to live and that means recognizing my depression is real. I am not always going to be able to function as if I am well. I need to take time to heal. I need to treat my illness as an illness. People with depression don’t need sympathy from others, but we do need understanding.