Carpe Diem

                  I just returned from an amazing couple of weeks in Italy. I had wanted to take this trip for a long time, and it turned out to be everything I dreamed. There was so much beauty to see. I explored cities including Venice, Florence, Pisa, and Rome. I visited the small towns of San Giorgio La Molara and Plantania, where my family came from. I stood inside the same church where over one hundred years ago my great grandparents, Pasquale Tropea and Josephina Cappello were married. This trip was my chance to live in the moment and as commenter on my last post suggested, be grateful in the moment. 

                  As I return there are a few days left in a month that now has a lot of meaning for me. October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I’m not sure I would have gone to Italy if breast cancer hadn’t attacked me. I’ve wanted to go for years, but always found a reason to put it off. It was too expensive. I had to work. I could go the following year. I had no one to go with. All of these were just excuses. Now, that I have been diagnosed and treated for stage 4 metastatic breast cancer, I realize that life can’t wait. I need to live in the moment. I need to seize opportunities. Excuses were my mental illness talking. My depression has never believed I could do anything. Cancer showed me I not only could do things, I need to do the things I want to do. None of us know what tomorrow holds, but having cancer makes that unknown more of a reality. I realize that tomorrow may not come. At any time, the tumors can grow, and I will need chemotherapy again. So, I need to talk back to my depression when it tells me that I can’t do something or that I shouldn’t do something. 

                  I remember watching the movie “Dead Poet’s Society” back in the late 1980s. It introduced a Latin phrase, “carpe diem” – “seize the day”. The literal translation from the Latin would be “pluck the day”, but it is widely translated as “seize the day”. I think this is an important phrase to live by. It is not just because I have cancer. I think we all need to seize the day. We need to live and be grateful for the opportunities we have in life. We never know when we will run out of opportunities. We don’t know when illness will incapacitate us. Depression and cancer have both limited my ability to seize the day at times. I can’t allow illness to take life away from me. Depression has stolen so much from me as I have shared in past posts. Cancer jumped in and tried to steal more. It attempted to take my life. Fortunately, those around me, my health care team, both physical and mental, my family, and my friends, have taught me to seize the day. I have learned to live each day. Sure, there are going to be difficult days. Test results are going to scare me. Treatment is a recurring reality, but it is saving my life. Just like I made my trip to Italy happen, I need to make living a full life a priority. I need to make the most of the opportunity I was given when my oncologist attacked my cancer. I don’t know exactly what seizing the day means for me going forward, but I am ready to find out. I am going to do my best to make the most out of life. I will experience everything that I can. If I want to try something, I’m going to do it. I realize there will be setbacks. My depression and cancer are not going to magically disappear, but I can live with these illnesses. 

                  Going to Italy taught me that there is an amazing world out there waiting to be explored. Not all that world is thousands of miles of way. Sometimes it is just down the street. Exploring the world includes many things. For me it will include writing the book that is sitting in my brain right now. I entered a mini version of that book in a contest and actually made it to the final round of judging. Rather than see not being selected as losing, I choose to see it as proof that my story is worth telling. There are other things I want to do, including raising awareness and funds for both breast cancer and mental illness. I can do those things. I want to spend quality time with my family and friends. I want to love deeply and appreciate my loved ones. 

I see the value in my life. That is something I have always struggled with because of my depression. I know it is still going to be difficult at times, but I am ready to try to embrace all that life has to offer. I am ready to seize the day. 

Floating in the Mediterranean Sea – Carpe Diem