December Brings Increased Depression

                December has been a difficult month for me for decades. My depression always seems to get darker during this time. Maybe it is mirroring the earlier sundown. With the increased darkness in my mind, I struggle. It happens every year, but still, it catches me unprepared. Depression is heavy for me during this time of year. It is something I have come to expect. Mental illness doesn't take a break for the holidays.

                  Part of my increased depression relates to the holidays. Being a single person with limited interactions, seeing people gathered with family and friends is hard for me. It triggers the feelings of aloneness that my depression latches onto.  I am driven further into the darkness. It happens every year. Even though I can anticipate it, living with it is still difficult. My depression tells me I am the only one who is alone. It mocks me and says I will always be alone. Even at my family gathering on Christmas Day, I am aware of how alone I am. I always have been. 

                  Perhaps if depression had not overtaken my life, I would have a family of my own. The children I once wanted would be sharing in holiday joy with me. Instead, they are nonexistent. I am aware of my aloneness all year, but the awareness always intensifies in December. It hurts. I recognize all that I have missed out on in my life. 

                  I guess I should be grateful for the life I have. I should enjoy what the holidays bring even if it is not what I wish I had. Unfortunately, depression takes over my thoughts. I get down. I feel overwhelmed and hopeless. Considering what I have been through in the last two years, I should be able to find reason to celebrate during the holidays. There they are. The “shoulds” taking control of my life. I should be grateful I have overcome the suicidal thoughts of the past two years. I should celebrate that I am beating cancer. I should be grateful I have a roof over my head. I should be grateful I can afford health insurance on my now limited income. I should. I should. I should. I wish the “shoulds” would shut up. They only bring me down. 

                  The holidays are a time of celebration. I should enjoy them. I try. I buy gifts. I tell myself that I will see my niece and nephew. I tell myself I can do things like drive around looking at Christmas lights. I’ve never been one to decorate. This year I was given a Christmas globe. In an attempt to decorate, I cleared my coffee table and put the globe on it. That’s as far as my decorating got. I guess it is more than I usually do. I can give myself credit for that.

                  Depression is going to drag me down this month. I need to find ways to cope with it. Two years ago, I didn’t think I would get through December. I did. Last year I had good news in my cancer battle to help me fight the depression. This year I am just existing. The month will be hard. I know that. I accept that. I wish things were different. I wish I could get into the holiday spirit. Increased depression in December is just a fact of life for me. I am doing what I can to fight it. I have my therapy sessions. I am getting esketamine treatment. I write to give me something else to focus on (except for this post). Other than those things, all I can do is wait for December to pass and hope that January brings a decrease in my depression.